Dear Kaurista: I need help! I am a twenty year old Sikh girl living in the West. I have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never had a boy like me, ever! It is ridiculous by western standards. But is it okay by Punjabi standards? I mean, what do other Sikh girls brought up in western culture do? Am I the only lonely girl out there or is this normal?
Dear Never Kissed: I read your email and immediately flashed back to when I too was you. I didn’t know that love is hard to find. I wondered if I was the only lonely girl in the world. To some readers, it might sound like a shallow shout out to be comforting someone whose biggest problem is that she has no boyfriend, but if you could put yourself in her shoes you’d know her issue is much more profound. She feels like she’s sitting outside a party watching everyone else have tons of fun and no one has bothered to invite her in. Been there, felt it, and moved on. I want to remind you that that loneliness doesn’t last forever and just because other people are in a relationship doesn’t mean their life is perfect.
Being a 20-year-old without a boyfriend doesn’t make you a freak! You are single. That doesn’t mean you don’t have other things going for you. You have friends and family. You have skills and characteristics. You have things to do. When we compare ourselves to others, it’s easy to come away feeling like a loser. We’re looking at someone’s exterior and from the outside a lot of folks look legit. They may have significant others, a good job and fabulous education – all the things that you want for yourself, but can’t attain for whatever reason. Life is never as simple as it seems from the outside. The real test of a person’s success lies on the inside and life’s greatest joke is that we don’t have x-ray vision. If you could see inside of people’s hearts, you’d know everyone around you is going through the same doubts and tribulations as you. Just because they’re dating doesn’t mean they’re not miserable, or bored, or absolutely sick of their significant other. In fact, I have no doubt some people in relationships are even lonelier than you!
You asked if you should be embarrassed by your situation. Well, to be honest if you measure yourself by Western standards, not having a boyfriend is considered lame. Ask any Punjabi elder how your love life is faring though, and they’d give you a box of congratulatory laddoos for not dating before marriage. This makes your dilemma even more confusing – you’re noble by some standards and totally naïve in others. But guess who isn’t going to care about any of this? THAT PERSON. The one you’re going to end up with. The one who’s going to love you for you and not what you should’ve done by some random age. As long as you believe in yourself and are not embarrassed by yourself, life will lead you where you’re supposed to go.
During the midst of my struggles, I had an epiphany during Spanish class. One day, my teacher played a song by Celia Cruz, the Gurdas Maan of Cuban music. It had one line that I never forgot: En la vida no hay nadie solo. Dios está con él. In other words, no one is ever alone in life, Waheguru is always with you. In that instant the darkness turned to light and nothing anyone could ever say convinced me otherwise. I realized, not only am I not a loser, but I’m also part of something bigger and here for a reason. Well, if that’s not a good enough rationale for loving yourself and not feeling lame, I don’t know what is. So what if you don’t measure up to society’s standards? The only standards you should care about are your own. If you want to find a boyfriend, get out and try! But if the journey takes longer than expected, don’t beat yourself up. Your special person is out there waiting for you and with Waheguru’s support, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to.
Keeping it real, PenduPrincess