Will I EVER figure this OUT????

Friday, March 15, 2013: Every child is different so every approach has to be. We are blessed with three children and that means the complexity of parenting is three times more difficult. Just when you think you have it figured out you are proven wrong by a behavior or lack thereof that they exhibit and you are again left scratching your head.

Don’t get me wrong I love my children but in each of their special ways they know how to drive me nuts. The constant stress not to mess up on parenting them, along with the pressures to try to make sure they learn the necessary skills in life are immense, at times over bearing.

In theory we all know that what is going to happen is going to happen but still our nature does not allow us to just be complacent when it comes to raising our children, we want to try, and at times we try so hard that we are frustrated to the point of breaking.

Somewhere the balance is lost now a days; children are in every activity, in every competition, academic and training we can imagine. I opened the book for summer activities and was shocked to see so many things kids could do or try to learn. There was even camps for legos, nature, play doh, I mean isn’t that something kids should be playing with without having ‘camps’ or training about?

When does a child have the time to be a child anymore? I’ve sort of realized that in this fast paced world which is now so well connected, we tend to forget how to slow down. All we see are social media updates of who is doing what, and what someone has accomplished; in a small way it changes our mentality. It turns on the automatic competitive nature which is in us all; this feeling then makes us unsettled.

We in turn pass this unsettled feeling onto our children by constantly keeping them engaged, at times over engaged. I saw a 6 year old playing tabla on YouTube, so I put my own 6 year old in front of a tabla and tried to teach him a basic taal, he could not get it. It honestly frustrated me! No matter how much we think it does not affect us, the things we view change our realities.

We all said to ourselves when we were kids, I won’t parent like my parents, I won’t compare I won’t demand, I won’t ‘expect’. Yet I step back and see myself doing the EXACT same thing, I noticed that I put even more expectations on my children than I had on myself.

An example is my son Baltej who is in 1st grade gets a spelling test every week. He has to memorize the spellings of 20 words and then gets a test on Friday in which 10 of those words are given. For the first few months of school he was scoring 10/10, and for some reason a few weeks ago he came back with his paper it was 9/10, I was a little disappointed (telling you the truth this is how much pressure parents honestly put!) Though I did not give him a hard time I still told him “Hey you got one wrong, that’s one we studied too!”, I totally overlooked that he had gotten 9 right. A few weeks pass, I come home from work in a good mood, as it was a Friday, and I notice his paper on the counter….8/10…EIGHT!, EIGHT! How could he get 8/10 after I spent all week working on the words with him?

My whole mood was off, I could feel my anger/disappointment, in my mind I was thinking he brings home a 9 and I was too nice to him now he has brought home an 8, what’s next a 7, a 6? I call him from his play room and ask sternly “What is this? How did you get two words that we studied wrong?” He does not answer. Inside I just want him to say something, give me an excuse (forgetting he is only 6!). “Tell me what happened, how did you get these wrong?” at this point he is also frustrated and yells back “ I DON’T KNOW I DON’T CARE!” and then obviously my anger turns into more anger, how can he respond to me like that, how can he NOT CARE after I spend my few free hours after work, helping him with his homework, practicing his kirtan, how can he not CARE. Notice it all becomes about ME now, MY TIME, MY EFFORT, it becomes personal.

“You don’t get TV, you cant play Wii for 3 days! If I ever see another 8/10 I’ll be even more upset” , after hearing that he becomes visibly distressed and starts stomping his feet “No that’s not fair NO” and knowing that this is a 6 year old child I still do not give up, my own ego does not let me, he can’t get the last word I AM THE FREAKING PARENT! and I say before I walk away “Since YOU don’t CARE about this, I don’t CARE that you don’t think it’s FAIR”

Yah I told him! I got the last word! Yet all this for a simple paper 8/10. I don’t even remember getting 10/10 when I was in school!!!! That is the funniest part of being a parent; you want your kids to be better so much that you will forget even your own reality. Our expectations and reasoning’s are so intense, I have seen my wife calming me down at times, I have calmed her down. When we are in the moment of disciplining our children we forget the obvious….they are children! (P.S. Since this incident he is back to getting 10/10....imagine proud parent face here)

I am constantly assessing myself and how much I am messing up. I know for sure there is a balance somewhere but I have yet to find it. What I have learned so far is, NOTHING is a big deal, NOTHING is worth ruining their childhood memories for. I will have to find a way to push them but not stress them and that, maybe they will learn at a slower pace, they may not meet every expectation I put on them but they will get there.

This week Himmat (4) was refusing to learn Rehras sahib. At his age Baltej knew so much of it, on Monday I came home and forced him to sit with me to memorize some of it. It was so difficult to see his face because he was not into it but he was just sitting due to my pressure, I could see it in his eyes, so my wife and I decided to leave it alone. We told him he does not have to learn it. To my surprise when I told him he would not be going to the Rehras recital program tomorrow, he started reciting the first Pauri of rehras, without hesitation.

So really I still have no idea. A parent’s job is constant push and pull, nag and discipline, but in the midst of this crazy time, I think every parent needs to keep in mind that each child is unique. They have their own unique quality and talent that they bring to this world and our job really is to support when and where they find that talent.

It’s the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced in my life, how to raise these unique personalities so full of life that you forget there is anything to worry about if you hang out with them for a few minutes. I know every age will bring a new challenge but I need to keep in the back of my mind that it is only through their mistakes and failures which I will have to witness will they evolve into who they eventually need to become.

My boundaries need to be flexible, they need to be allowed to be who they are, as they are how they are and even though I know my love for them is unconditional, they will only realize that if I allow them the freedom to develop into humans who like me, mess up, fail and trip up before they finally learn how to walk, run and succeed in this ever complex, ever changing, and ever BEAUTIFUL world...

To my children who may read this years from now, just know I may not have been perfect, but there is not a day that I don’t try to improve, evaluate and figure out how to care and raise you. The confusing part is how to express that I am not perfect, I have and will mess up, hopefully I don’t leave scars that are too deep and one day you realize (just as I have about my own parents) there was/is/will be NOTHING that I have tried harder at in my life, than to be a good parent.