Just got back from Winter Solstice in Florida. So much happened and my life will never be the same.
Looking into peoples' faces I saw siblings of destiny.
I found my Maharaaj and I found my captain.
I found my brothers.
I found the warrior within.
My Guru called me.
Mama tiger guided me.
I lay everything at the door of Love.
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!
I lost my passport in Frankfurt.
I didn't grieve.
That was no longer me.
Trying to reconstruct a timeline for myself here, so much happened I'm not sure where all my memories fit in...
After not sleeping for 36 hours, and travelling for 16 of them, I arrived at Orland International Airport. I was greeted by Guru Simran Singh, a total darling of a man who's also a walking encyclopedia! I got into the van and met most of the set-up crew. I was so tired I was babbling, but they were very gracious about it.
We arrived at the ranch via a dusty road lined with orange orchards. The smell was wonderful. I was in heaven. I didn't sleep that night. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that I'd made it to Winter Solstice. The next morning we had sadhana at 4 am and it was so sweet. After sadhana, walking back to my cabin in the dark, I looked at the bright moon and the stars, and I cried. A ritual that would repeat itself every morning for a good week's time.
Working on set-up was a blessed wonderful work. There's nothing like physical labour to get one out of the head and into the now. We lifted, carried, loaded, unloaded, swept, cleaned, washed, painted and constructed. You name it and we did it. I loved every moment of it. I especially loved the kitchen work of doing the dishes, cleaning all the food serving buckets (all 15 trillion of them!) - such Infinite work. The kitchen was a blessed place to be: people chanting, simran or keertan booming from the stereo, everyone working towards one common goal of getting the food ready. Every day in the kitchen I had the privilege of being able to serve, to give, to be of service and to repeat God's name. That's all I ever wished for my life.
I made some instant friends who became my teachers and companions and sangat. I was standing at the sink for hours on end and still I would meet the most amazing people who gave me the most amazing gifts of knowledge, help and compassion. Endless compassion. I looked into the eyes of my coworkers and recognized them as family. One day on my afternoon break I was acutely feeling the presence of familiar souls. I closed my eyes and an endless stream of male faces flooded my inner sight. Singh after Singh would come forth. I asked Yogi Bhajan why I kept seeing these people and the answer was: "these are your brothers". I started crying. I felt so blessed, so infinitely blessed to have made it to this point in my life, to this deep experience of family and sangat.
I met an older gentleman who I knew I would follow to the death, I probably had, in a previous lifetime. I met a young man whose presence impacted my life hugely. In meditation I saw his fierce warrior spirit standing on the beach, dressed in Nihang colours, tall, broad, proud and fearless warrior of the Divine. These are my brothers. I didn't see any Kaurs so I guess I must have been a fighting man in the lifetimes I shared with these souls.
As set-up drew to a close, people would start arriving for the celebration. Cabin 11 slowly filled up with both we newcomers along with some seriously experienced ladies, who knew how to make the most of cabin life. The first evening of Celebration we sat in the Tantric shelter, waiting to be served the Solstice dinner diet. I was sitting with my new found friends and my heart was so full it was brimming over. As the musicians started up their sound check it was all too much for me and I just cried from the love and the Grace of it all.
After the days of set-up, I felt that everything had already happened to me. As the Celebration kicked off with workshops I found myself drawn to work, as if I was scared to slow down. So I went for a yoga workshop called "Authentic Relationships." I figured that would be good for my intention for the new year. It pushed me past my zone of comfort to the point where resistance melted away and old hurts were revealed. As I sat there, holding the position and quietly crying, I realized that I have seldom given myself a fair chance to try. I wouldn't ever test my true power because I'd somehow been convinced that I wasn't supposed to. Sure I could be strong, but just up to a certain point and certainly I was not supposed to find out how strong I could be. I came out knowing that I am a warrior and that indeed I have the right to try, like everyone else. Without shame, without guilt, I have the right to try for and fight for what I want.
The physical work of these days felt like nothing compared to this inner-self work. A new string was vibrating in my practice: dedication. When things got hard, I would dedicate the position or the exercise to my Guru. It would make me come through every time. I realized that this sense of dedication is present in my life as well and that it is everything to me.
Without devotion my life seems very bleak and empty. It's no longer enough to live for myself alone. It hasn't been enough for a long time. I went for some lovely video classes too, I just felt very drawn to them and I got exactly what I needed. The presence of the Master was overwhelmingly healing. I was being called. Bliss was everywhere.
Akhand Paath
On Tuesday night I read in my first Akhand Paath. I read in English and I was stumbling on the words because it was 1 AM in the morning, but at some point I went gliding into a blissful state of just singing the praises of the Universe. My heart opened wide and I could have gone on forever.
White Tantric Yoga
Tantric was hard, blissful and freaky. Doors to a distant past blasted wide open and kaleidoscopes of colour erupted in my 3rd eye. My back went out with the first meditation of the first day and dear Guru Simran Singh adjusted it for me.
The most potent moment for me was hearing 700 people tune in together. The vastness of the echo of all these combined voices gave me chills. I decided to meditate for the two first days but signed up for monitor seva on the third day as there was a need, and as I'd already gotten two whole days' worth of meditation.
Little did I know how powerful the energy would be even standing on the sidelines... For the first meditation on monitor duty I was totally spaced out. For the second one I was coupled with a lady that I'd already partnered with on a previous day, as she needed a partner. We ended up doing several meditations together. At some point I was aware of a pushing process in my 1st chakra. I was birthing something. I was sitting but pushing, chanting as my body convulsed silently. I looked at my partner and her face was that of a mother from long ago, and I thought, I'm giving birth and my mother is here, holding my hand. In that place, in that circumstance it wasn't a strange thought at all.
During the tantric days there were meetings for Amrit candidates. I'd been called out every single day since arriving so I decided to go. After a 12-hour 3rd day of Tantric, I got a couple of hours' sleep and made myself ready to show up to the call. I'd gotten new gear from dear Ravinder Singh, with whom I had the pleasure of working in the kitchen and who had a clothes' booth in the bazaar. Dear HarSimran Kaur lent me her Kirpaan. I was praying from my heart that I would be ready.
AMRIT
As I was sitting on a sheet on the ground outside the Gurdwara chanting 'Waheguru' and waiting for the last amrit interview, I was high. My body was humming and my teeth were zinging from the energy pouring through me. Just before it was my time to go in to speak with the Panj Piyaare, I saw the face of a tigress. She was right up in my face, nose to nose. I recognized her from before. In my meditation a couple of weeks earlier she'd called me "Singhni" three times and ripped my heart open with her claw. This time she gave me advice. I took it. And it was the most humbling, heart-opening experience of suddenly knowing how unspeakably deep my love for my Guru is. I'd never ever seen that depth before. The Love enveloped me and included everybody in it. There was no me and you, there was only love for my Guru, Love of God. I think at that moment I grew up. I stopped being a frightened child and became a Kaur. To have glimpsed even an iota of the all-encompassing compassion was the greatest blessing of my life so far. Waheguru!
As I was repeating "Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!" after the Panj, I knew I was fulfilling a promise; I was fulfilling my destiny. Afterwards though I felt confused and tired and quite sad. After talking about it with a new found friend I realized it was the nostalgia of letting go of my blind innocence. Being naive was somehow my last defense against seeing the world for what it is. I guess I didn't think I could bear it. Now I know there's nothing to bear!
The road towards amrit has been challenging. Only after realizing that Khalsa is a value of the heart, was I ready to be truly called and accepted. I'm so blessed to have been guided, so blessed to have experienced this miracle in this physical body. Waheguru!
I never knew that allowing bliss was the real work in this lifetime. Even after amrit, as my body was clearing and sweating for several days, I kept going into disbelief. And from disbelief to remembering and bliss. And again. Disbelief - remembering - bliss.
As the Celebration came to an end, I had the opportunity to take some yoga classes, the most memorable one was "become strong as steel." It was good to challenge the body absolutely.
At our last grounds crew meeting (where I did my karma yoga) a young man shared a song that he wrote about his time on the Grounds Crew and his first Solstice experience. The refrain went like this: "Life is just a game, we are all the same! We're a spirit in a body. I will clean your porta-potty today"... We were all laughing, crying and singing along!
And after that it was time for break-down to start. I worked in my beloved kitchen again. The last morning I did my own sadhana in my empty cabin. It was 4 am, I was sitting on the floor on my yoga mat, chanting my banis and doing some light yoga. The quiet in me was profound. The gratitude was complete. This was the greatest gift given to me, to give to myself.
On our way to the airport I totally passed out. I couldn't keep my eyes open, no matter what. At the airport I was figuring out how to spend the last night in Florida. I got a hug from Mahandeep Kaur, got to see Sukhliv Singh wrap his turban, and got to hear a beautiful poem by Mojo Rose that had me in tears. I couldn't have wished for a better closing to my first Winter Solstice experience.
Through this experience, I understood some profound things. I am not a Kundalini yogi. I am a Sikh of the Guru, who does Kundalini yoga. I do the yoga so that I will remember my body. I do the yoga so that my system will be strong enough to hold and enjoy the Infinite Love that is pouring down on us at every moment. I am an infinite being having a physical experience. I am already everything I need to be.
Life is about receiving by giving as well as receiving by allowing.
Waheguru!