It was raining hard as I walked to the Gurudwara. Solemnly, in silence.
I was in deep thought and almost tripped at the door. Bhai Sahib ji came towards me and explained about the tragic death of a middle aged Sikh couple. The couple were regular visitors to the Gurudwara. Bhai Sahib was fighting back tears as he explained the man had first shot his wife and then turned the gun on himself. Both died.
Hearing Bhai Sahib talk about them, I felt a pain in my chest. It was too painful to hear. My mind blocked off the rest of Bhai Sahib ji’s conversation and tears flooded my face. I could not stop crying. There was only one thought paramount in my mind. My heart went out to the deceased and their families. It was a wakeup call for me. A wakeup call for the Sikh community.
As I sat down to listen to the Akhand path at the Gurudwara, my mind wandered back a few years when I was going through extreme marital problems with my husband. Subsequently, I was able to obtain a divorce in the American court system. Thus, my ex-husband and I have gone our separate ways in peace and I am now safe with my 4 children. In deep gratitude to the Guru, I folded my hands and cried.
Then, bringing my thoughts to the present, I pondered, “Another married couple has died.”
“Why? Why doesn’t the Sikh community have support groups in place to help people going through their turmoils and strained relationships?”
This incident is the fourth or fifth in the United States of tragic deaths of married couples and their families in the last six months.
Awareness of these issues should be brought to light in the Sikh community.
We as a Sikh community put so much emphasis on how we portray ourselves in public that we begin to live in this make believe world of perfection. We want to believe every family in the Sikh community is happy. Even though we want to believe this, it is not reality.
Also, because gossip is widespread in our community, men and women are afraid to seek help for fear of disclosing their personal information to someone who can spread rumors and make them the laughing stock of the community.
The Sikh community needs to be more sensitive and we need to feel more empathy for those married couples that are going through strained relationships. Not to taunt them, but to help them resolve their issues.
For me, one of the most difficult situations after my divorce was friends and acquaintances that chose to judge me with their own yardstick, and how they refused to even acknowledge my presence and treated me like an “outcast.”
There can be different layers of stresses in a marriage, both physical and emotional.
I personally know several Sikh couples that are struggling. Several of the women are suffering from mental and physical abuse. They continue to suffer until their cup of suffering overflows and gives birth to extremely volatile situations where the husband or wife or both or even the children become victims of tragedy.
Can we not help these people? It will be helpful to set up support groups with professional volunteers to support people in strained marital relationships - financial help for those in emergency situations along with spiritual and emotional support. At times, all they require is a place to stay for a day or two and someone to confidentially speak with to help them solve their problems.
At times, the situations are much more complex and volatile. For these situations, we could set up a “toll free hotline” for Sikh men and women to call from anywhere around the globe. They can choose to be anonymous. Since the “family name” is considered a very important aspect of the marriage, they can choose to call anonymously. The hotline center could be in a city manned by professional doctors who volunteer their time and give professional advice to those that call the free international advice hotline. The volunteers could also guide the men and women who call towards their local support groups of their country as well. The professional advice on the hotline could save a Sikh brother or sister or even a child, from death.
We have to change the way we look at each other. We need a whole paradigm shift. Without change nothing will happen. Or, we will continue to see and hear about tragedies that could have been avoided.
If this article can raise awareness in the Sikh community to start the “change” I will feel blessed.
I believe Waheguru is giving us a wakeup call. Are we listening?
Will the change come soon? I don’t know. I know one thing though. This “change” could be the “beginning” of someone’s life that could have been about to end. So help me God.
Waheguru ji ka Khalsa
Waheguru ji ki Fateh