The Period of MADNESS!!!

Wednesday, 17 December 2014: There comes a time once a month where my mind becomes very negative. My body starts feeling cold, tiredness erodes my spirit and my appetite increases. Every month I wonder why this happens to me. Why am I being so negative? Why am I so cold? Why do I feel so tired? Why am I feeling so hungry? And then my period begins, and I remember that these are the symptoms that occur every month, and have done so for over a decade now; so why on earth do I forget and why on earth do I feel I’m entering a dark period of madness?

I have recognised that some months are better than others and some are worse. Not only in physical pain but also the emotional pain too. I realise I am less patient, I become negative about my body, I feel like I want space from everyone and everything around me, loud noises irritate me, I want to feel loved and cared for and my heart pounds with anxiety. I have tried researching a lot on the Internet about these emotional pains, but I have not found much on the emotional much of it only concentrating on the physical pain.

My ego often identifies myself with being an ‘independent woman’ thus I do not bode well with the side effects of menstruating, especially the ‘wanting to feel loved and cared for’ side effect! I notice a big gap in my heart and my mind begins blaming everything and everyone around me, especially those who are dearest and nearest to me. I have also realised that if I have had a tough month but not very conscious in acknowledging the hardships or confronting my mind, the days around my period force me to confront the issues I have buried up throughout that month. I read in a book ‘My Blood is Gold’ that if we do not create a balance within our lives, everything is heightened two fold when we are menstruating. For example, this last month I have struggled with the stresses of my job, I have struggled getting up in the morning for my saadhna, my husband has been working and then coming back and working on his master’s essay, I have missed my family and friends back home and our new home - which we were hoping to move into by now - has a serious gas leak. So, instead of confronting these issues, I have kept myself busy. At work, I have not had any breaks to fit in all the marking and student catch-ups. I am coming home to try getting through the list of ‘new home stuff’. And then cashed asleep without communicating very much to my husband. AND THEN, a couple of days before my period, I begin to feel attachment to the negative thoughts running through my head and I can’t distinguish between presence and the illusion of my thoughts. Ekhart Tolle in his book ‘A New Earth’ (this book changed my life!) talks about the female pain body stating; ‘Almost every woman has her share in the collective female pain-body, which tends to become activated particularly just prior to the time of menstruation. At that time many women become overwhelmed by intense negative emotion.’ So how can we keep our grace and joy when our raging hormones are against us?

I wonder how I can answer this question when this is something I struggle with almost every month. But I have seen and felt a break in some rare months and I feel I need to remind myself of these. The answer I find is always simple, allow yourself to be vulnerable, remember you are not your thoughts and communicate with those around you. I can safely say; easier said than done!

Most of the time, I feel intense guilt for the thoughts running through my head; ‘You call yourself ‘spiritual’ yet you have so much pride.’ This is the reoccurring statement my mind keeps telling me. Every-time I make a judgement, I feel pride, I then feel angry and instead of reminding myself that these are only thoughts and not who you are, I believe them, especially when I am around my period. I begin to blame the situations and people around me, which places me in a dark space.

I have only found one shabadh in gurbani (to be frank I was surprised there was even one!) which talks about the woman’s period.

jio joroo siranaavanee aavai vaaro vaar
As a woman has her periods, month after month

joot(h)ae joot(h)aa mukh vasai nith nith hoe khuaar
so does falsehood dwell in the mouth of the false; they suffer forever, again and again.

My interpretation of this is, as natural as the period comes month after month, falsehood will also reoccur as naturally if one does not learn to distinguish falsehood and truth. It is interesting that Gurbani has used the woman’s period as an example here because distinguishing between falsehood and truth does become blurred during that time. In my experience, if I do not keep my mind disciplined, when it comes near my period anger takes over and my grace falls away as my mouth becomes false. This, I found occurs again and again (mainly during my period days), which tells me that I will suffer until I learn to follow truth all the time.

Following truth does allow one to find joy. I need to remind myself that when I cannot feel my heart, I need to remember (which is what I feel ‘remember God’ might mean) the things that make my heart flow with love and truth. For me this is;

  1) Waking up in the morning and doing yoga and meditation
  2) Finding joy in the conversations I have with my students by being present with them
  3) Allowing myself to have a break at lunch
  4) Leaving work before I exhaust myself
  5) Doing meditation and yoga when I come home from work
  6) Singing, writing, dancing and drawing
  7) Speaking to my friends and family
  8) Meeting with old and new friends
  9) Organise a special outing once a week
10) When hungry - eat good food
11) When tired - sleep

These are practical things that keeps my temporal-self seeking joy. However, without the motivation of the spiritual self, which can become clouded by madness, the practical elements cannot occur. I have found I need to keep my spiritual-self positive too by using the following techniques;

12) Speak to mind like I would a child
13) Explaining to my mind that judgements are false
14) Not feeling guilty for having judgements
15) Positive affirmations for when I’m feeling fat and ugly (I am the light of my soul)
16) Be patient with my growth
17) Have trust that I am being held
18) Remember that the universe cannot be limited by the mind
19) I am who I am but the I does not exist
20) Shrug my shoulders at madness (my own and of others)
21) Remind myself that you cannot do anything alone (it is only the pride that thinks ‘I can sort myself out.’)

The last point is one that my ego holds onto and every-time my period comes around, I always think, I’ll just meditate myself out of the madness of my mind. I do not realise that I should just communicate with someone, anyone, even talk out loud to God in an ‘empty’ room:

“God – today I am having a crisis in my mind. I feel I am not a good Sikh because I do not wear a turban!”

When I say it out loud, the madness suddenly becomes apparent…
Dilraj Kaur