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December 13, 2011: Lao Tzu, the ancient Chinese philosopher, was correct when he stated that “Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses.” According to Time Magazine, the act of love seems to be the driving force in almost every human being’s life. The sub-continent - where most of us Sikhs trace our origins - and the Western world, have differing views on finding this very love. In the West, the popular mode is the process of courtship, or dating. This is when couples form intimate relationships with each other that may or may not blossom into a marriage. The dating process is a process of trial and error, and most people go through several such relationships before they find the “one”. This process is the opposite of the system traditionally followed on the subcontinent - through arranged marriages. As Sikhs make their home in Western countries, their kids experience the dating system first hand. The West and its ways, however, are foreign to those who are newcomers - just as newcomers are 'foreigners' in their new environments. I recently read an article entitled, “Losing the Turban: Indian Sikhs at odds on essentials” from CNN. An interviewee of the article, Balbir Singh, claimed that he cuts his hair because he feels out of touch with the fashions of the Western world. “Besides, women don’t like turbans”. There is an imperative problem in the Sikh community today that is rarely spoken about. Many male youth have been modifying their beards, cutting their hair and/or not wearing turbans. All practices are against the Sikh code of conduct for various reasons. A notable cause for this is because turbaned adolescents do not feel confident with their image. The implied reason for this loss in self-confidence is because a young Sardar may feel that he cannot attract girls. He believes that he would not be able to chase love because his identity holds him back. This is completely untrue. Through this paper, young Sikhs will see that objective evidence points to the fact that they ARE considered attractive, and that they should not disband their traditions, influenced by this myth. With hours of research and copious amounts of interviews behind me, I hope to prove my point in this paper. I want to begin by quoting an adage: "Failure is success if we learn from it.” Take note that dating is a process of trial and error. A young man tries and fails numerous times before he finds that right person. As the male is typically supposed to be the initiator, his gender unfortunately gets the harder job; they usually have to do most of the work in order to woo the female. Because of this, most males typically fail with their initial attempts. Remember what Malcolm Forbes said - the author of the adage I just quoted? Failure is actually the key to success! The challenge for many young Sikhs is that they are part of families new to Western culture. They typically do not have that father figure that went through the same process during their childhood. This father figure is necessary, as a role model and mentor, to teach his children about life's lessons - which include the lesson that most initial attempts to attract a girl are failures. A mother's guidance in this regard is also absent , again, for the same reasons. Another challenge faced by young Sikhs is that they do look different, even though not all males wear turbans and have unshaven facial hair. However, once a young Sikh initially fails with girls, these two factors play a big part in his thought processes. He then considers the option of changing identity and appearance, and the thought process, according to my interviews, seems to go like this: 1 A young Sardar is attracted to a girl. 2 She seems to reject him (typical for the beginner) 3 He is disheartened. 4 He cannot talk to his father because the father has had no previous experience on the topic. Neither does his mother. 5 He needs and finds SOMETHING TO BLAME. What is the most different thing about that person? His Sikh identity. The young Sardar, who is most likely a teenager going through puberty, has a rather fluid mindset. He starts to think, “Maybe the reason I can’t get girls is because I look so different.” He seizes at the perception that he is not attractive. This leads to a loss in self-confidence - which takes a great toll on the mind. I myself have had this self-conflict countless numbers of times throughout my life, and have been on the brink of disbanding my identity. It is a tumultuous conflict, and many young Sardars, unfortunately, hastily and erroneously conclude that it is their identity to blame. Once this happens, those Sardars are Sardars no more. A razor strokes down the face, clearing off all of the Guru’s teachings hair by hair. The two blades of a scissor meet with the kes in the middle - cutting off all ties with the Khalsa in one, simple snippet. To those Sikh adolescents that are currently having this self-conflict - you need to deal with it headlong and conquer your feelings. I too have had them before - those feelings of loneliness. It seems that even if there are “plenty of fish in the sea”, none want to date you. Take the Guru’s word, however, and have faith - for “the faithful find the door of liberation. Only one who has faith comes to know such a state of mind.” [Japji] There ARE girls out there attracted to Sikhs. Like all other youth, we just have to be patient, faithful, and continue looking for the right ones in a larger batch of incompatible ones. According to my interviews and findings from the Internet, men typically need four things to attract a woman: self-confidence, personality, interest, and attractiveness (good-looks). First off, some people are prone to suggest that Sikhs not seem 'attractive'. Sure, ample stats can be found to provide some back-up for such a claim, if that's your goal. For instance, according to the dailymail.co.uk, “While 63 per cent of men believed facial hair made them more manly and attractive, 92 per cent of women said they preferred a clean-shaven man, with 95 per cent complaining that facial stubble made a romantic kiss a turn-off.” However, the key factor that needs to be taken into account is that most non-Sikh males with facial hair typically do not have unshorn facial hair. Unshorn facial hair has a different look than most facial hair, and is also very soft compared to the prickly, trimmed beards or stubs. The fact is that the 'different' look, along with the rather soft, touchy beard (found on Sardars) is a very large secondary sexual characteristic that many women find attractive. Now, let's turn to the turban. Some will point out that the turban is a negative factor because of the unfortunate events of 9/11, as a result of which a trend of “Islamophobia” has grown. It can be argued that as the Sikh turban harks to the new public image of the “terrorist”, some women would instantly be detracted from Sikhs. But my question is, why would one want to date such an ignorant woman anyways? If these girls cannot accept my identity, they are truly not worth it! Also, I find that most girls DO find the turban attractive. Things like different colors and matching clothes or accessories creates a unique and added sense of style. I cannot count on all of my fingers and toes how many times a day I get complemented on my matching outfits! The compliments have even gone as far as praising the tie of my turban. I have heard numerous times that my turban seems rather elegant with intricately placed layers upon layers of cloth. It is comments like these that build up SELF-CONFIDENCE - another thing a man needs to attract women. Personally, being confident in my look does not make me nervous when talking to women. It's what they call the 'cool' factor. Next, a man needs something “interesting” to attract women. This simply means that this man has to have something unique about him. Guess what! This is a given for every Sardar, especially vis-a-vis any woman who is new to Sikhs. The fact that a Sikh has a different religion, culture, look, life-experience and language is a load of interesting! It makes him exotic like little else can, and thus gives him a unique advantage on the 'interest' quotient among ALL men. Lastly, personality is also needed. Depending on the personality, certain types of woman are attracted. Personality, however, does not correlate much with one’s faith (although I have been told that my dedication to Sikhi has given me a very worthy personality). Of course, the end of a relationship - especially the first one, is very hurtful. When that time comes, the stress is almost unbearable as one feels as if one has lost someone perfect. As stressful as it may be, be sure to not blame it on your identity or appearance, and remember that it was the very same identity and appearance that once attracted her to you in the first place! In order to gain information on this little-explored topic, I had to interview an abundance of people. I broke them down into four categories - twenty four full Sardars from around the country, eight Sikhs who modify their beards or used to be Sardars (the majority of my offers were rejections as the topic seemed too controversial), fifteen girls who have not dated Sikh men, and eleven girls (five of which were not Sikh) that have previously dated or are dating Sardars. When interviewing Sardars, all but one mentioned that they feel like the beard and turban detracts them from girls. However, sixteen of these twenty-four (66%) say that this does not interfere with their dating lives. Harjit Singh of Florida claimed that, “Yes, it [turban] does [detract] for some women. However, those aren’t really the kind of women I'm trying to attract … the turban and beard is only a hindrance if you make it”. Amit Singh of New York said, “A lot of guys feel like women are turned off to them for reasons like looks, financial status, height, physical fitness, etc. I would say turban/beard falls under that same category. They all do matter, but in my experience, they are NOT deal breakers.” Jassi Singh Ahluwahlia of Florida said that he thinks the turban and beard used to detract women away from him, but then he learned to “exploit” the identity. Lastly, fifteen out of twenty-four (62%) of the full Sardars said that they have had a self-conflict with their identity. However, twelve of that fifteen (80%) said that, once they gained confidence with dating, they did not have a conflict anymore. All of the eight interviewees that have modified their identity have said that, since they have changed, many girls do seem to like them more. They notice that more girls seem to “check them out” and give more compliments on their look. Seven of eight, however, all wrote that their dating life has had little to no change. “Sure, I may seem slightly more attractive to girls, but there’s more to it. A girl won't be into you just for your looks - the majority see beyond that”, claims an ex-Sardar from Detroit. Six out of eight (75%) of these interviewees claim that they have once regretted changing their identity. I interviewed fifteen girls about their views on men. I created a survey asking them about their preferences in men. The top answers, as I stated previously, were interest, self-confidence, attractiveness and personality. These answers were also found on numerous websites about dating advice. Eight out of fifteen (53%) of the girls did say that facial hair and a turban could be a “turn-off”. “It may not be the most attractive, but most women don’t go for guys just because of how they look. Sure, we seem to talk about ‘hot guys’ all the time, but the dateable guys are those that seem loyal and respectful towards women. Looks aren’t everything”, says Natasha Vincent from Florida. All fifteen girls said that they would still date a man despite how unattractive he may seem to them. For the girls who are attracted to Sikhs, all eleven wrote that they never minded the turban and beard. Some liked the look, but most saw their partner for things like personality - relating to “honesty, confidence, trustworthiness, commitment, and dedication”, says a Jasveen Kaur from California. Daniela Malo, a non-Sikh woman from Florida claims that she is attracted to a Sikh’s “personality and outlook on various situations. I am attracted to the way he stands out and keeps his head up regardless of the looks he gets. I also find his beard really attractive - my Sikh man has the softest beard I’ve ever felt!” All the non-Sikh women I interviewed said that they did not want to change anything physically in their partners, and that the unique look is what attracted them in the first place. In fact, they claimed that their bond with their partner was stronger because of the difference. Daniela Malo again said, “Your culture, beliefs, and pride are worth a lot more than an ignorant girl who cannot accept you for who you truly are. People who cannot appreciate and treasure the admirable qualities you convey are not worth anyone's time. The person you date should admire you, treasure you, appreciate you, and respect you to their full potential. If you need to change your appearance in order to date, then is that relationship healthy?” Sukhmani Kaur of California says, “If a female can't be attracted to you because of your faith in God, then even if you were to give up your identity for her, it wouldn't last long anyhow. A relationship only has the potential to last if both partners can love one another because of who they are, not who their partner would like them to be. So don't change yourself for a girl; if she can't love you for who you are, then she's not worth it … Wear your turban and wear it proud, because there's a girl out there waiting for you to find her; don't change yourself for the girls that you will encounter on the way”. Of course, this is a new topic of research that has little evidence to confirm or refute my statements. My sample size, though small, can be enlarged for further evidence. In conclusion, many Sikh youth have been disbanding their traditions due to self-confidence issues. These issues arise from a bad experience with the dating process, as well as the lack of a western fatherly figure. As long as a Sikh has certain innate qualities, he truly does not have a problem with women. Also, my interviews prove that the identity is not an obstruction to attracting girls. Women like a men for who they are - not just how they look. To any person that thinks I may be preaching to young Sikhs and telling them to date rather than wait until marriage - this is not my aim. Everytime I see a Sikh friend change his identity, I am horrified at the ignorance that precedes it and worry about its potential in the future. This paper proves that high self-esteem and self-confidence are part of the solution. We need to address dating issues because it is the source of much of the angst experienced by our youth. My conclusion that a Sikh young man will not be confident with his identity until he is comfortable with the dating scene and has the confidence that he is as attractive as any other male of the species. On Vaisakhi Day, 1699, Guru Gobind Singh initiated the Khalsa to prepare Sikhs to serve humanity for ages to come. The Khalsa articles of faith are prescribed so that a Sikh stands out from among a hundred thousand others. Why then would we want to blend in with the crowd? [Edited for sikhchic.com] |
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