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| Girl I love is having an arranged
marriage ... what should I do? |
20 Feb 2012: I SPLIT up with my girlfriend because her parents have arranged a marriage for her and she wouldn't tell her dad about us.
I'm 19 and English, she's 16 and comes from a Sikh family. We met at college and were together for eight months.
When she reached 17, her parents told her they'd arranged a marriage for her. She wouldn't stand up to her father because he has heart problems and must not have any stress in his life.
The man they have chosen is 23, rich, successful and fantastically fit. I'm none of these.
She wouldn't talk to her parents about us, so I went to her house and spoke to her mum, but she's too scared to tell her husband.
I sadly gave up after that and returned all the things which my girlfriend had given me to her mum.
I told my ex what I'd done and then I started to get threats from her and her family. They said they would call the police for harassment.
She says she hates me for going to her house. She and her mum aren't talking and her dad still doesn't know.
The only reason she's marrying this guy is to keep her dad happy. She's marrying someone she doesn't love and who won't make her happy. I don't want her to make a decision she'll regret for the rest of her life.
I'm completely in love with her. I've told her I'll do anything to be with her, even if it means changing religion or living with her family for the rest of my life.
Should I go and speak to her dad, and risk the police getting involved, or leave her alone and go our separate ways?
Deidre Says
I know it's hard for you but your girl-friend has agreed to this arranged marriage.
Whatever her reasons for accepting, it doesn't sound as though she is being forced into it.
If you have fears she is being forced, then contact the Government's Forced Marriage Unit (020 7008 0151, www.fco.gov.uk/forcedmarriage).
But it is very hard to go against deep-seated religious and cultural beliefs. If your girl-friend has grown up expecting an arranged marriage, you can't make her change her mind.
Going to see her father won't change anything, except perhaps to get the police involved, which won't be a good move.
Broken hearts do mend, though, and I'm emailing you my leaflet to help you see that you will be able to move on.