It is recited upon in most Sikh wedding ceremonies "The Lord God, my Lord and Master, blends with His bride, and her heart blossoms forth in the Naam....." Anand Karaj, Lawaan ceremony.
Such symbolic and significant words are spoken with much love and sincerity encapsulated in every word. Today, however individuals see things differently in Sikh societies up and down the Country here in the UK.
Every month there are at least a few Sikh families who are busy preparing and organising for their Son's/Daughter's Engagement or Wedding. There is always lots of joy and teasing surrounding the entire occasion. But let's look beyond the sequins, Henna, Sindoor and Chura. Has anyone ever thought to have a sincere and open private chat with the Groom or Bride-to-be? Has anyone asked them "are you ready for marriage?" "Are you prepared to take on this next step and take full ownership of the responsibility of your partner?" "On what will you base your life together?" "How will you support each other?" "Can you truly make the Guru and His Sangat the centre of your life together?"
Sadly, these questions aren't asked nearly enough - however obvious they may sound to those getting married. Is this decision to be married based on a truly sound foundation? On Love and Honesty between two souls of the same calibre, or is there a really a hidden agenda such as seeking cultural identity, Lineage or acceptance in society?
With this article, I am hoping to spread awareness and shed some light on the danger, complications and the gamble many in today's society are risking under the terms of Forced Marriages. In no way am I condemning the Indian idea of an "Arranged Marriage" - providing both parties have agreed to this wholeheartedly and have deeply considered the difficulty faced with learning to Love and adapt to one's partner after Marriage.
Although Love Marriages are increasing and becoming more socially acceptable in many societies in US and UK etc., there are pockets of communities consisting of families, Parents and their Children who are still supporting "Forced Marriages." How many times have you heard a friend tell you that their parents have suggested Marriage or perhaps they are receiving marriage proposals from different families? Yet you both know that he isn't willing to marry as he is still dating the non-Sikh girl he met since Uni. Neither of your friends is serious about the circumstances ahead but your friend still hasn't admitted his "secret" to his own parents because he fears hurting them or perhaps being "disowned" because he isn't following Marriage in the way his elder siblings did? So before he can properly air his views to his parents, the sound of (Engagement/Wedding) bells are looming.
Now is the time! Speak up! Just say NO! I hear you cry, what is wrong with this guy? He should just be truthful to his parents! Well, I for one do not have the crystal clear answer to this either. Perhaps it's verbal paralysis from speaking the truth or worse still acknowledging and honestly facing the truth within.
But, I myself was cruelly subjected exactly this situation. I was on the receiving end of a Marriage based upon disloyalty, and I served as a Chess piece in a game played by my Ex in-laws using Lies, Deceit and Tricks to devour my innocence.
Although, I willingly agreed to Marriage (based upon; Truth, honour, compassion and selflessness - on my part) I accepted this marriage introduction with my Parents blessings and happily accepted my destiny. I was all too kind and naive enough not to realise that the corresponding party did not have their idea of Marriage based on the same principals as my family and I did.
I am blessed enough to realise Guru's darshan and I live using my Agya Chakra (Intuition) and I realised the in-laws deceit and wrongdoings very quickly and the negative impact their ill treatment was having on my mental state and overall health. In reflection, I understand that all of my ex-in laws knew that they were forcing their family member to marry me. This was unknown to my family and me prior to the marriage) and never considered or even comprehended his choice that he didn't really want to marry due to being bi-sexual and in a Gay relationship at the time. Perhaps his family didn't want society to know about his sexual preference and were trying to cover it. Perhaps they wanted to "cure" him of his sexual identity using the extreme measure of marriage, who knows?
I was lucky enough to be able to remove myself from this situation relatively fast (although it felt like a lifetime in the marriage!) but with my love for Waheguru, I've accepted this stage of my life as past and am practicing living in the now.
But moving onto the bigger picture, this is an issue we as a culture are increasingly facing across the board and we must deal with it honestly. Yes, Parents are fantastic, solid pillars of strength, love and they nearly always know better than us - through their experience of course! But it's that very love that can sometimes hinder them and make them selfish; by controlling every aspect of their children's lives. They want us to achieve and succeed, to overcome the difficulties they had in their era and possibly those which society dictates to us. But as Sikhs - we know Waheguru has a better master plan and that our lives are not carbon copies of everyone else's nor is there a manual available to parents that cites a timeline of what their child is going to achieve and when. In fact, no matter what we do, we cannot please our parents. I am not the person my mother thinks I am. That is her fantasy of me. It is a loving one, but it's not me.
Without parents and their children opening their minds with healthy, honest discussion, reasoning and negotiation; each one risks hurting and jeopardising their relationship with one another, whether the truth surfaces sooner or later. The parents who come under this category aren't bad, but they feel pressured to succumb to what their community/society expect of them, hence some take such drastic actions for their children. But carrying out this exhaustive task inevitably results in sin, as no couple will ever be truly happy in a marriage that has been forced upon them.
Has anyone heard "Let go and let God?" Flow in harmony with his Hukum that has been intricately created for every individual and know that the needs of all will be provided for by Waheguru instead of what they think is right for us.
You may recall the title of this article: Marriages: Fairytales or Tales from the Crypt? And you may have wondered at it. I call it so because of the record number of sham marriage scandals which I have had the misfortune of hearing about. And these have only occurred in the last year! Not only did this strike a deep chord within me, but it has wrenched the very core of my being and left me wondering, are there actually more devious individuals out there practicing this and damaging innocent lives? Not only have these marriages been "Arranged" or "Forced" (which is illegal both in the UK and abroad) but blindly practiced by so called "traditional value families".
The accounts of the unhappy living conditions and mental torture these individual are subjected to from their in-laws (the majority are females whom they live with) and which have been re-told to me are chilling and callous. Regardless of whether this evil act happens to a Male or Female, no human should have to endure such ignorance and deceit, especially disguised in the form of a "Marriage."
From the outside perspective it seems as though as though we collectively as a society are blurring the definition of what is deemed acceptable nowadays. Is it acceptable as parents to encourage the younger generation to prematurely marry a person of your choice, when the individual isn't emotionally ready to take on a matrimonial relationship? Isn't it time we all took an individual responsibility to open up to how modern day Sikhs have evolved with the likes of social media and smartphones and how easily these platforms make it to create "online identities" or "aliases" where individuals can become comfortable with their sexuality and identity in an online community and yet live a double life in reality. We aren't as in control of our Children as we think we are. Kids have one face for their parents and elders and an entirely different face to their friends and the world at large.
On the other side of the relationship, is it fair to surrender to cultural pressures to marry into a family, based on reasons that could include: that you blindly allow your parents to arrange your marriage as you happily continue on with your extra-marital affair outside of the home as your parents will have gained a "housekeeper" or their "honour" will remain intact?
We cannot afford to wait. All of the above needs to be openly addressed with honesty, conscious thinking and awareness. We can't continue to sweep this situation under the rug and turn our backs on it, pretending it isn't there.
We can't change society in one go, but we can start! And we can do that right now by changing ourselves. We need to embrace our ever evolving youth generation, possibly at our local Gurdwaras, and reach out to their needs by actively and deeply listening to their fears and hopes on how we can build a fresh, sustainable and tolerant culture for all Sikhs. They are tired of being told what to do. They are sovereign human beings who deserve respect and deserve being deeply listened to.
You may have heard of a term being used in the media called "Honour Killings" but let's stand together and put a stop to a potential term such as "Honour Marriages" being created and let us no longer shy away, turn our backs and refuse to listen to the needs of our future generation.
Each of us must look within and be honest with our self about our relationships, whether it is a mixed culture relationship or wanting to get married at a time that suits YOU.
If you understand yourself to be a Sikh, then remember Waheguru at the focus of all you do. With the love for Guru Ji comes Truth, and being truthful with yourself will ultimately lead you to be truthful with everyone!
- Anonymous Kaur - Campaigning against the culture of Honour/Forced Marriages
| The Fourth Laav Hymn: |
| Har chou-tha-rree laav man sehaj bha-i-aa har paa-i-aa bal raam jeeo|| In the fourth round of the marriage ceremony, the mind becomes peaceful having found the Lord. Gurmukh mil-i-aa su-bhaa-e har man tan mee-thaa laa-i-aa bal raam jeeo|| The Guru's disciple meets the Lord with intuitive ease when surrendering sweetly the mind soul and body. Har mee-thaa laa-i-aa mere prabh bhaa-i-aa andin har liv laa-ee|| The Lord seems sweet to the one possessed by God who is lovingly attuned night and day on the Lord ever. Man chind-i-aa fal paa-i-aa su-aamee har naam vajee vaa-dhaa-ee|| The heart's mind becomes fruitful and attains its desire when the Lord's name resoundingly resonates within. Har prabh thaakur kaaj rachaa-i-aa dhan hir-dhai naam vi-gaa-see|| The Lord God Master blends with the bride whose heart blossoms in the illumination of his name forthwith. Jan naanak bolae chou-thee laa-vai har paa-i-aa prabh avin-aa-see||4||2|| Servant Nanak proclaims that, in this, the fourth round of the marriage ceremony the eternal Lord God is attained." ||4||2|| SGGS||773 |
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Related Article:http://www.sikhnet.com/news/anand-karaj-and-lavan