“I stopped sucking in my stomach three days ago.”
My wife laid her knitting in her lap and just looked at me for a good long while. I couldn’t imagine what was going on in there but her eyes were soft with a mix of amusement, interest, and perhaps even understanding. She knows me so well, often my epiphanies aren’t news to her. It seemed as if she might be waiting for me to offer more explanation. Like sunrise and gravity, I can usually be counted on for more words.
I had nothing more.
I didn’t understand what was going on with me but I was clear that something was unfolding, that a subtle yet persistent healing was underway. One little lesson after the next slipped into my consciousness–like random pieces of a puzzle without a box lid to reveal their intention. The theme was clear. I was healing, recovering from whatever caused me to stop breathing.
I don’t breathe regularly. I hold my breath. I do it when I’m scared or sad or nervous or excited or happy or confused… I hold my breath. Then, I gasp for air, sigh, yawn, or whatever other technique my body eventually has to use to overcome my habit of not breathing. I don’t know when it started or even why but it’s been this way for as long as I can recall.
While working my way through countless self-improvement puzzles over the years, the pieces of the breathe puzzle kept popping up. I’d accept them and set them aside, not knowing what in the world they were for. On the evening in question, I was suddenly aware that the pile of pieces accumulating beside me actually held a message. There was a point to all of it and although I didn’t understand, my certainty that it was important far outweighed the ridiculousness of whispering, “I stopped sucking in my stomach three days ago.”
In seeking treatment for a chronic pain in my butt (specifically, in my right sit bone), my neuromuscular therapist recommended a session with a Pilate’s instructor/therapist to learn how to strengthen my core. She taught me about the different layers of stomach muscles and I was surprised to find out that the only stomach muscle I had control of was the most outer upper layer. I found it almost impossible to isolate the lower levels of muscle for the exercises she asked me to do. The entire experience was both wildly informative and deeply maddening.
My first 20+ years of life were spent living from the outside in, basically reacting to what other people thought of me and I’d discovered evidence of that in my stomach. I wanted to be attractive, to have a flat stomach, and had used those highest muscles to push my stomach in rather than using those lower level muscles to pull in (which is, it turns out, what our bodies are made to do). I’d been holding (pushing from the top) my stomach in more than 20 years and found that I couldn’t even do the exercises because I couldn’t get the top muscles to relax.
I couldn’t get muscles in my body to relax. I was stunned… and sad. It’s why I couldn’t breathe, too. I’d done it for so long that I couldn’t even learn a new way. Frustrated to tears one morning, I broke down and finally realized that I couldn’t move forward with my healing until I let go of the dysfunctional way I’d been holding my body.
It meant letting my stomach go. It meant letting loose with my belly fat and my these-abdominal-walls-were-once-occupied-by-my-offspring muscles. My overly round behind and thickish thighs had never even made it on my radar compared to the obsession I had with my middle. Letting go, allowing my not-quite-flat belly be my straight-up-chunky belly was more difficult than I know how to describe.
It feels ridiculous to even write about it now but it is the truth. I felt so ashamed to have the extra weight, to be weak, to be round instead of flat… and then I let go. I let go and sat there for three days, watching myself be round and noticing that the world did not stop spinning. The people I loved didn’t stop loving me. Oh hell, they didn’t even notice that I stopped holding it in. My coaching clients still respected me, and I was still capable of supporting their efforts to change their lives. My neighbor still asked me to check in on her dogs while she was away. Nothing changed.
Nothing, except me… of course.
Letting go changed everything about me, and about what was possible for me. After three days, I whispered my dirty little secret. My wife’s only response that night was to make me promise that I would someday write a book that opened with that line. That’s love, don’t you think?
It took another year for me to understand that the book is about yoga, breathing, healing, and weight loss. I finally started writing it last week. After a week of not holding my stomach in, I started trying to do the exercises again and found that I could finally isolate the muscles in question. After a month, I was able to do the exercises they assigned me. After six months, I started taking Kundalini Yoga classes. And, of course, the healing continues…
The recovery from our old ways of being take time. We have to find the courage to be patient with ourselves and still persistent when it’s hard for our bodies, minds… or egos. We must explore the reality of our individual situations–get to know the truth of who we are–because it is only through that process of self-discovery that we become capable of accepting ourselves.
When we know and accept what is… we can change it.
“When did you start holding your breath?”
I hadn’t noticed that I wasn’t breathing but, as it turned out, I wasn’t. Luckily, my therapist noticed and started riding my rear about it. That was the first time the issue even appeared on my radar. Not much came of it, outside of her office at least, but I was alerted to my tendency to restrict my breath while frustrated or sad or nervous. You know… the things one might feel in a therapist’s office.
In my last post, I spilled the beans about my roundness, vanity, and holding my breath. I promised to share some of the pieces of the Breathe puzzle which expanded my awareness and supported my healing around this habit. I realize now that an inclusive list would be more book chapter than blog post. So, I’m going to break it up into two posts and share the pieces that have come through my newish Kundalini Yoga practice in a separate post next time.
Notice Your Breath – It was my dear friend and early life coach who finally went beyond the nagging reminder to breathe and asked me when I stopped breathing fully. I reflected for a moment before whispering the surprising answer that was pounding about in my brain, “I’m not sure I ever did!” Even though I’d been asked about it before, I honestly hadn’t stopped to notice my breathing patterns, how often I held my breath, and the simple decision to notice myself in this way was incredibly insightful. Breathing dysfunction discovered! Sound the alarms!
Breathe Into A Book – That same woman helped me notice that my breaths were incredibly shallow. When I inhaled, there was only a subtle movement at the top and center of my chest. She encouraged me to breathe into my diaphragm… and I didn’t know how. She invited me to lie on the floor with a book on my belly, just between my breasts and belly button. She told me to breathe deeply enough to move the book. Diaphragm located!
Breathe Into Your Hand – The Pilate’s instructor (from the previous post) was digging my book on the belly trick but informed me that the lungs aren’t just hanging out in the front of my body waiting to be expanded forward. She put her hand on my left side, on the bottom few ribs, and invited me to breathe into her hand. I did. She moved a few inches to the back left side (same vertical location, on the bottom few ribs) and said to breathe into her hand. I did. I was shocked. I had no idea that my lungs could hold so much air.
We did this all the way around and I practiced with my own hand at home until I could do it without the prompt. Now when I breathe, I can still feel my default shallow breath trying to have it’s way with me but I can make a choice to breathe more deeply. I fill my upper chest, then out in front in my lower chest, and finally out to the sides and back. Lungs actually used!
Breathe Intuitively – I went through a spell where my nervousness and overwhelm surged into quite regular full-on panic/anxiety attacks. They sucked. I hated taking the meds that the doctor said would make them stop. One night, during a particularly powerful attack, I fled the chaos of the family room (big screen tv turned up too loud, children fussing, and my now ex-husband frustrated about something that felt unreasonable).
I was overcome with a need for silence, darkness, and solitude. In my bedroom, I instinctively hit my knees, buried my face in the edge of my bedding, and inhaled and exhaled powerfully and rhythmically until it was over. I didn’t have instruction for this one, just a need… and I honored it.
Next time, I’m going to share the life-changing puzzle pieces that I picked up throughout my journey with Kundalini Yoga. It’s still a relatively short trip but I’ve learned so much and I can’t wait to share it with you!
I’d love to hear your feedback on these first puzzle pieces. Do you have techniques you can share with us? What about questions, do these first few pieces leave you wondering? Give them a try and let me know what you find? Are you breathing?
Christy Farr is a life coach and an empowerment agent who shows the Wild Ones how to show up in the world. More than anything, she wants you to know that ... it doesn't have to be this way! Get the tools to dig into your personal evolution, visit 'The Greenhouse' at SeedsAndWeedsCoaching.com