Journey of a Sikher ~ Hat Day

Hat Day

Thursday, December 22, 2011: Last week Baltej, who is in Kindergarten, told me that next Wednesday is ‘Hat Day’ at our school. I asked him what that meant and he let me know it would be a day where you could wear a hat to school. Then he asked me if he could wear a dastaar (turban) on ‘Hat Day’, sensing how excited he was about it I told him sure it was a great idea. Yesterday when he woke up he was excited, it was Hat day and he was going to be wearing a full turban, not his normal patka (small turban) to school. When he woke up he said he wanted to wear the same color I was wearing, happened to be white and the exact color we had for him anyways!

I thought about it and wondered we tend to see a lot of ourselves in our children, our own insecurities, mannerisms, habits; you can start to see a lot of similarities. Yet they are totally different beings, I was so surprised that Baltej was willing to wear a turban to his school at his age. When I was five I don’t recall much but most of my days were filled with how to fit in or not stand out, I would never have imagined wearing a turban to school at that age. I hated even wearing a top knot and being called a girl. I had anxiety of standing out and would have opted to wear a hat just so that one day I could hide my jurrah (top knot) and be like everyone else. Here was my son at the same age and with a totally different mentality, that even on the ‘hat day’ he wanted to wear his turban, and stand out with a different headgear. It made me feel a sense of pride in the fact that he was more confident than I was at his age, he was more assured about his identity.

So he put his turban on and was feeling really proud but as he got to school he started feeling a little uneasy. He asked his mom (who was dropping him off) what will people think? Will they think it is funny? She reassured him that he was looking handsome, and that we were really proud of him. When she called me and told me his sudden insecurity outside of the school, I knew it would most likely not be a favorable day for him. Most of the time he has worn a turban it’s to family function or Gurudwara, both places people give him positive reinforcement how he looks cute in a bigger turban. But yesterday I knew it would be a different experience for him all together. All day I was reminded of my own experiences as a child and the laughter and taunts I received, I was anxiously awaiting 3 o clock. How would his classmates respond, would he be able to maintain his turban in P.E. and recess? Its surreal how as parents we tend to sort of live in our children, and feel some of the things they feel.

Finally it was time for him to leave school, I was at work so I called my wife who would be picking him up, from her tone I could tell things did not go so well for Baltej that day. She gave the phone to him :

“They all laughed, my whole class, whole school even the 3rd , 4th , 5th graders laughed….at recess the other Kindergarteners laughed at me too”

I asked him how it made him feel, “I felt sad, why are they laughing at me, then I felt mad that they keep laughing”. Sensing the frustration in his voice I also felt a little sad for him, here he was so excited to wear a turban for the first time to school and received this sort of reaction, not that I was surprised or blame any of the kids. Kids are kids they laugh at something different, at something new, to them it was not anything they understood. I quickly wrapped up my work for the day to head home, but I stopped by a toy store to pick up a ‘prize’ for Baltej. When I got home he came running, seeing the toy in my hand he was excited. I asked him how he felt when people laughed at you, and he repeated his answer of feeling sad and then mad, I told him look at this, and put a few envelops from the mail I had collected outside in my turban, he started to laugh, I said see when you see something different you laugh, normally you don’t see me with mail in my turban so today when you do its funny. The same way the kids in your class they didn’t know, they saw something different and laughed. But its brave and courageous what you did and that’s why you get a prize today.

Sensing that he was getting complimented he said "Daddy I was sad and mad but it wasn’t for that long, I got Ok quickly". I gave him a hug and told him I was really proud of him. At that moment I really was, as I knew the seeds of courage are being planted in him, he was able to overcome something I would never have at his age, he took on the challenge of looking unique and handled it gracefully.

Many times we think we need to protect our kids from everything, every challenge and difficulty, we want to shield them from adversity, but really we can not. We can only prepare them to be strong and assist them in how to handle challenges. No parent wants their kids to have any problems, but that’s not so realistic, life is full of them in fact I think at some level they are what build our character. Seeing Baltej overcome this gave me a sense of understanding, all day yesterday I was stressed, but there was nothing my stress could do to benefit him, as parents its our duty to protect but mostly to provide support, to provide guidance based on our own experience and most importantly provide the environment of growth and tools to overcome obstacles that will enviably cross the paths of our kids.

This morning as I was getting ready, Baltej came running (yes he is always running!) in my room. “Daddy, when can I wear dastaar again to school?” of course I am not naive and believe it has something to do with the prize he received, but a little part of me also is very optimistic, and thinks its also his sense of courage, and ability to stand out without fear, which every young Sikh develops. I felt a sense of pride as I answered him, unknowingly he became my hero at that moment, he was ready to take on any adverse feelings again, he was showing the true signs of becoming a Khalsa, of being sava lakh and not having a problem with it, it got me a little emotional thinking about how this may just run in the blood of every Sikh to be able to take on challenges like the young Sahibzade, holding back my emotional thought I answered “Any day you want buddy, ...any day you want…”