Status and honor are no justification for murder and violence against women.
International Women's Day is Saturday, March 8. The theme for this year is inspiring change. I hope that my words will inspire you to find ways to eradicate the gendered violence many women in our community live with day in and day out.
I'm an immigrant from Glasgow, Scotland. I grew up in Ajax. I'm 5-foot-1, 110 pounds and the highest level of education I have is a bachelor of education. In short, I'm a skinny white woman who has been known to be outspoken on more than one occasion. And, I am OK with that because it gives me a certain amount of privilege, independence and power.
A decade ago I told my husband of 13 years I wanted a divorce. He didn't take it well. He was second-generation Canadian of Scots-Irish descent. He tried for six months to make this problem go away. When he decided that his efforts were futile he tried to make me disappear.
A lot of thought and planning went into his scheme. Credit card companies were written to and told to cancel my cards on my birthday. Bank accounts were cleaned out and closed — you only need one signature to close a joint account. Both cars were in his name and I was threatened with arrest if I took one. I was homeless, had $6 in my pocket and the clothes on my back. But I had family, friends and a community that supported me.
I moved in with my neighbour and friend, Wendy. I lived with her and her family for 10 months. I later moved to a "safe" house in a different part of Burlington. I was to live with my girlfriend's mother for two or three months while the lawyers hammered things out. Twelve months later I had a 19-day divorce trial and six weeks later was awarded sole custody of my five children, exclusive possession of the matrimonial home, and the old, beaten-up Windstar, which I still drive. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Justice Kenneth Langdon!
Contrast my life and experience with a woman coming to Canada from South Asia. She comes here as part of a clan or extended family. This clan is not the nostalgic, ceremonial clan of modern Scots; this clan has power, is far reaching and can mean the difference between life and death for women.
Honour Based Violence (HBV) and Killings (HBK) differ dramatically from domestic violence. In many South Asian countries women are the vessels for family honour. If they bring dishonour to the family then honour must be restored. There's a saying that women are silk and men are gold. When silk is dropped into mud it's tainted forever. When gold is dropped into mud the dirt can be washed away.
Dishonour could take the form of wearing makeup and perfume. This is not enough to have you killed. Becoming too Westernized, speaking to boys or men outside of the family, dating, refusing an arranged marriage, marrying for love, marrying below your caste, asking for a divorce are very serious ways to bring dishonour to the family. The offending woman must be sacrificed for the good of the group in order to restore honour.
HBK differ from domestic violence in that a family council meeting will be held and the patriarchs will decide the woman's fate. Blood relatives will carry out the murder. This may be her father, brother, cousins, but the husband is generally not involved in her murder. Women within the family and community participate. Think of the Shafia honour killings that took place June 30, 2009, in Kingston. The father, mother and brother planned and carried out the murder of the three sisters and the husband's first wife. These murders were a warning to South Asian women across Canada to behave or be dead.
HBK differ from domestic violence because the community knows and supports it. Women in these communities are often socially isolated. They lack a social safety net. They will be ostracized by family and community members until their death. Where do they go to for help? They're not to talk about family issues outside the family. Contacting a social worker, school counsellor or the police is reason enough to kill them. They are under constant surveillance, thanks to the extended clan and cellphones, which are used to photograph her in compromising situations or searched to see whom she has been phoning and texting. Community members may purposely mislead the police when investigating an honour killing.
Not all Scots-Irish men are abusive. Similarly, not all South Asian men and clans are abusive. Honour Based Violence has been identified in 56 countries, including Canada. It can be found in Christian, Muslim, Hindu and Sikh communities. The patriarchs tend to be well-educated, which means that they have the most status and honour to lose.
We need training and policies within all agencies.
Doreen Nicoll lives a violence-free life in Burlington. She is program co-ordinator for Women at the Centre for Social Justice (Toronto) and member of Women at the Centre — Halton (WATC-H).