- ‘I’m now in a calmer place’ says left-arm spinner
- Panesar still without a county but targeting Bangladesh and India tours
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| Monty Panesar had a difficult time at Essex and was released at the end of last season. Photograph: TGSPhoto/Rex Shutterstock |
Thursday 3 December 2015: Monty Panesar is targeting a return to top-level cricket in 2016 after speaking openly about the bouts of paranoia that threatened to derail his career and led him to consider retirement at the start of last summer.
The left-arm spinner, who took 167 wickets in 50 Tests for England, was released by Essex at the back end of the summer following a troubled spell off the field in which his confidence hit rock-bottom and his erratic behaviour caused issues in the dressing room.
“I was suffering from paranoid thinking,” said Panesar, who hopes by opening up about his mental health problems, past troubles can be better understood. “I was low on confidence, in denial and did not engage with team-mates or coaches. The world felt against me and I gave over-the-top reactions to small things.”
Last April Panesar considered walking away from cricket altogether – “I fell out of love with the game and life in general” – only to be talked out of it and into professional help by Neil Burns, the former Somerset wicketkeeper who now works as his mentor.
Having dealt well with celebrity status after his Test debut in Nagpur in 2006, he realised he needed outside assistance when regular approaches from well-meaning supporters on the street no longer felt as easy as they once did.
“When I was unwell, it all felt quite intrusive and that helped me realise I had a problem. When what was previously normal in life became difficult, it made me realise all was not well with me.
“I was in denial and fear of others’ negative judgement of me. I thought it was stronger to be silent and ‘tough it out’. But I now realise it’s a strength to be honest and show vulnerability.
“I’m now in a calmer place and open to other people’s thoughts and views. I feel sad that I was unable to build on friendships at the time but hopefully I can reconnect in future and people will understand why.” Advertisement
A four-strong team of Burns, a hypnotherapist, a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist – as well as medication – have aided Panesar’s recovery and, following rehabilitation on a recent shoulder operation, he plans to travel to South Africa in February and throw himself back into training before a possible return next summer.
Panesar says his England career, which began with the wicket of Sachin Tendulkar but came to a halt in the Ashes whitewash of 2013-14, was his happiest time. There were periods, however, when he struggled to deal with criticism of his batting and fielding.
“At times I thought I was a figure of fun, which isn’t always easy. But I always tried my best and always practised really hard. If it’s not good enough for other people, so be it. My values are hard work and honesty and I have learned to live by them.”
With England light in the slow-bowling department since the retirement of Graeme Swann in 2013 – highlighted in their recent 2-0 Test series defeat to Pakistan in the UAE – the 33-year-old hopes his international career is not over; a recall for the spin-friendly tours to Bangladesh and India next winter is his goal.
His first hurdle is finding a fourth county, something that should be easy for a man with 700 first-class wickets. However his appeal to a club is complicated by the fact that around a third of championship matches are played before the end of May, when pitches are supposedly less inclined to take turn. Recent tweaks to the toss cannot change the English climate, after all.
Panesar is not too concerned, however, claiming his skills – spinning the ball hard, fast and with good accuracy – mean he can perform on any surface, while holding the belief that, should his recent progress off the field continue, he could play well into his 40s.
“I don’t think it’s hard [to bowl spin on English pitches]. As Shane Warne said, if it seams, it spins. Successful, experienced bowlers can bowl well in all conditions and on all surfaces, against all types of batsmen,” he said.
“I could have 10 years left – why not? My recent experiences on and off field can help me be a better performer in the future and better around the team. I am wiser about myself and life. I want to get more balance and be healthy so I can play at the top level for as long as possible.
“And as [my mentor] Neil says: ‘Better people play better sport’.”
