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Journey of a Sikher |
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East Meets West Thursday, September 01, 2011: Bitter sweet moment for me yesterday 8/31/11, first time I lost an argument to my son. I wanted to document this moment and my feelings because I think it helps me grow as a parent, and more so as an individual. My son is 4 (almost 5) and started Kindergarten this week, in doing so he has for the first time been thrust from a full time home environment to a new setting with multitude of new stimuli and influences for him to absorb and learn. Here is the dialogue of our conversation /debate of a 4 year old (Baltej) vs. 36 year old (me): Baltej : “ I tell them I speak Spanish at home” At that point I realized how much thought he had given to this question and his answer, thanks to shows like Diego and Dora, everyone knew what Spanish was. I had to admit that I was unprepared for him to have such a rational thought process. I also realized how elegantly with the path of least resistance he had communicated to his classmate that he speaks a foreign language at home. At that point I let the discussion go, as I realized his logic, but I kept thinking about it for a few minutes and as I was putting him to bed I had a solution for him and told him “Baltej, what you can say next time is you speak a language called Punjabi, it’s like Spanish”, he had a huge smile on his face and said “YEAH!”. :-) Later I went downstairs and told my wife about the discussion and she told me that this morning he asked her to speak in English when she dropped him off to his class. Again I had the sense of being upset, was he ashamed of his language? But I had to take a step back and remember how things where when I was five, so many changes going from a predominantly Eastern culture of your home to a totally Western culture environment. Its something I struggled with immensely, I almost lived like two lives, one in my house where it was all Indian culture and language, and in school it was western. I was able to after a while (many years) appreciate both and see values in both philosophies of thought. I later felt privileged to have this experience as I realized both cultures had positives and negatives which I could pick and choose from to apply to my value system. But in the beginning it was a true balancing act, where the only difference was I would not have dared asked my dad to speak to me in English! The child has no sense of what to be ashamed of, they are looking for how to fit in and mold into the environment trying to understand their place. I always figured as a parent I am interested in the end result, as I see it like a ship, as long as it is steered in the destination which is to make them good, spiritual beings, then the smaller bumps or battles make no difference. We (those who grew up in countries other than India) are hybrids, we value both cultures, and mostly we are comfortable in the culture we grew up in. Hybrids have the unique experience and understanding of each of the cultures they have meshed together, they understand the logic the history and belief system. I’ve actually lived more western than I originally thought, realized this when I went to India in 1995 and really felt out of place, almost felt exactly like a foreigner. My children will have the added benefit of being next generation hybrids, as with technology they will be much more efficient and robust, but I have to cultivate the environment for them. I am also realizing that I am different then my parents, nor can I be them, what they did was immense, they came to a foreign land adapted and still kept us pretty entrenched in our eastern value system. I am not them, I cannot be them so my strategy has to change and I have to be true to myself. Kids want honesty and for them nothing is more disheartening than someone being disingenuous. When my dad made it ‘little india’ in our house as we were growing up, he never spoke in English, that was because he was being himself, he was not trying to be cool, or mold himself to what others thought was right, he was very steadfast in his beliefs and that’s why I think it resonated with us. That is the main lesson for me to learn on how to be myself and stick to what I believe. After having this thought I told my wife, maybe its ok if we speak to him in English at school, I already spoke to him in English when we were out at stores without thinking because when I am outside of my house I end up communicating that way, its who I am. Of course I believe my mother tongue Punjabi is relevant I adore and love it just as much, its also why I am thankful that I was forced to learn it and speak it at home now that I see its benefit. Parenting is a constant shift in strategy, its always making me question myself and find new things about myself through my children’s experience. I really enjoy this part, even though I don’t have the answers, I enjoy the aspects of going back in time and drawing from my personal experience, of my feelings and trying to relate to my children not as a parent, but as someone who had been there done that, felt that did this sort of relationship, that’s what I am most comfortable with. Everyone uses various methods, some enjoy the dictatorship, or democracy, or other manners in which to communicate right and wrong, mine is to ponder and to try to relate. The end goal is the only thing I am concerned about, the small details are important but are not the end of the world either. As my kids grow I am looking forward to more such thoughts and dialogue with them, not to teach them, but to teach myself. To have a chance to relate with a new perspective, by re-living it through them. It is one of the major benefits of having kids, you start to see the world very differently, you start to see some of your own thoughts and past in a different light. So maybe in a very odd paradigm parenting is not about teaching, but about learning, about gaining knowledge and better understanding of who you are, after all I never knew I was speaking Spanish at home! |
