- Journey Out of the Closet
February 4, 2013: You typically hear people talk about how they always felt a little different, how they always kind of felt a sense of disconnect from the “norm” of society. I was no different, for as long back as I can remember, I was that kid that oddball kid who never quite fit in with the crowd, always on the side or playing with the girl. However, unlike some, my journey out of the closet began with my venturing deeper into it.
I still remember it vividly. I was watching a classic Bollywood flick with the family, my older cousins had come over and like older teenaged brown male cousins do, were making snide comments about the actresses in the movie, and I remember looking at the movie and not seeing where they were coming from. That night I remember having a war with my brain. “How could this be? Guys? I can’t like guys? Does that even exist? I thought gay was just a jeering remark you make at a friend? This can’t be right.”
I convinced myself that I was indeed an abomination and I began a destructive path of self-hate that would follow me throughout my high school years. I would constantly down-trod myself, isolating myself from everyone. Refusing to get too close with anybody. Little did I know that i wasn’t really helping anyone. i was doing much more harm than good.
If only I wasn’t such a disgrace, if only I wasn’t such a disgusting human being… or so I thought. I remember I would do my prayers and cry and cry and cry until the pages of my English-Gurmukhi gutka (prayer book) would bend and fade from the water damage by my tears. I would beg for forgiveness for any past mistakes I made. I would beg God to take it away, to make me straight. I would give anything, anything for it to go away, anything for me to just be normal, anything to stop being who I was ashamed of being….
Six years went by, but no avail.