Sikhi & conduct with parents

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru
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Sikhi & conduct with parents

Post by singhbj »

Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh

I found this old post in another forum, hope readers find it interesting.

Author: Singh
Date: 07-21-03 04:57

Lately I deeply feel a regret: in my youth I did not treat my parents the way I should have according to Gurmat. I'm a bit older now and I don't live with my parents anymore, but lately I've seen young people argue with their parents in a way I might have done when I was younger. And I felt so horrible that I never stopped to consider how my parents might have felt after hearing such words.

A shabad that I didn't know when I was younger, but I think every child should know is this one:

saarag mehalaa 4 ghar 3 dhupadhaa
ik oa(n)kaar sathigur prasaadh ||
kaahae pooth jhagarath ho sa(n)g baap ||
jin kae janae baddeerae thum ho thin sio jhagarath paap ||1|| rehaao ||

The rahao line means "why oh son do you argue with your father? Those who gave you birth and raised you, to argue/fight with them is a sin."

While I by Guru Sahib's kirpaa am amritdhaaree, my parents are not, and I had many arguments with them on a number of issues. I wouldn't hesitate to speak back and argue with vigour. I realise now, that perhaps if I showed respect and tried to speak with them calmly, I might have accomplished more and they could have seen how Gurmat changes a person for the better. I still disagree with many of the things they had said and what they believed, but I should have respectfully objected, and patiently heard them out. This would have been the Gursikh thing to do, and maybe by seeing this example, they too might have realised that Sikhi makes a person peaceful and calm and respectful, and they too might have wanted to become Sikhs.

I bring this topic up, because I know a lot of younger Singhs/Kaurs argue with their parents who sometimes aren't amritdhaaree, and sometimes are. Parents, in 99% of cases, have their children's well-being in mind, and love their children. We should always deal with our parents remembering how much they care, and how a child's bitter/cruel words can be the most sharp pain for them.

Overall, I regret arguing so much with my parents in my Youth, and hope other young people reading this will avoid my mistakes.

Author: Kulbir Singh
Date: 07-21-03 07:58

What "singh" has written is so true. I too regret that in my early youth years, I used to argue with my parents. I think it was a paap I committed.

It is quite possible to not agree with your parent's stand but that does not mean that we argue with them or insult them. It is okay to keep Gurmat maryada but we should never insult our parents or talk back to them. It is pure manmat to do that.

We have a perfect example of our Guru Sahib - Guru Nanak Dev jee. His father Baba Kaaloo jee did not like Guru Sahib's view of life and at one point he even slapped Guru Sahib. Not once did Guru Sahib talk back to his father or argue with him. Guru Sahib did not change his ways of Gurmat but he did not argue with his father and never insulted him.

Similarly we have example of Bhagat Prahlaad jee. Bhagat jee was severely tortured by his father - Harnaksh but Bhagat jee only kept doing Naam and ever insulted his father.

We have a lot to learn from our ancestors and from Guru Sahib's baani. It is Gurmat to respect your parents and to serve them. Doing so does not mean giving up your rehit. You can keep your rehit and still serve your parents.

Kulbir Singh

Author: u know who
Date: 07-21-03 16:31

what if you have abusive parents? what if they yell at you constantly and perhaps beat you.. every little thing you do, even with nimarta cuases verbal abuse.. what then?

Author: PSK
Date: 07-22-03 00:16

vaaheguru ji ka khalsa vaahguru ji ki fateh

I don't think any youth could ever disagree with what Singh ji was posted on this thread. I think such things only happen because of frustration and there is really no way of controlling yourself when you see Gurmat not being followed infront of your own eyes.

My mom and I are actually the only amrittharis in my family and I really think the first post suits me well. I always regret talking back to my parents after doing it. So what are some ways to actually stop such things from happening?

I know my parents are really caring and they love me a lot. But I do believe my practice of Sikhi is somewhat limited because of them. "Perhaps it is for my own good," as they put it. So what are some ways which might help me?

"You can keep your rehit and still serve your parents."
But sometimes it's just hard. Believe me. :*(

Maybe Guru Sahib is testing the new paneeri. We don't really know why things are the way they are.

vaaheguru ji ka khalsa vaaheguru ji ki fateh

Author: Singh
Date: 07-22-03 09:02

I think that if a parent is abusive, it's obviously a very difficult situation. My first solution would be to do ardaas to Guru Sahib for strength and for the situation to change. I would also speak to an older Gursikh about the specific situation and what happens and ask for advice. Other than that, all I can suggest is to avoid those situations where the parent becomes abusive. Perhaps the the parent begins to hit when angry; so make an extra effort to not anger; but at the same time I realise sometimes people don't even need a reason to become angry.

Despite all this, I still think that even the worst person's heart will melt when they see their anger being met with the humility of a Gursikh. When Guru Angad Dev jee's son kicked Guru Amardaas out of anger for becoming the next Guru, Guru Amardaas didn't anger or hit back, he grabbed the foot and began to massage it and said "your foot must have been hurt by kicking my old bones...."

When arguing, it's easy to become enraged, but we should always remember that we're not just representing ourselves, but also Sikhi, so we should try our best to reflect Gursikh qualities.

Author: domalla premee
Date: 07-22-03 11:48

Waheguruji ka Khalsa Waheguruji ki Fateh

This is all fine and well but if there comes a point where a Singh, despite being so patient is still being physically abused he or she may have no option but to leave.

I think if our brothers and sisters find themselves in such a tough situation such as this, the rest of the sangat must be there to support them spiritually, socially and financially as needed and not have them returned to such an abusive environment.

Despite the example quoted of Guru Amardas jee, there is nothing that says a person has to take extreme abuse from anyone. An abuser in a relationship level is an oppressor at the nuclear level and Sikhs do not tolerate tyranny.

There comes a point, as a victim, when one having done his or her best has no choice but to walk away from such a situation. I think, we as the sangat, are enabling the cycle of violence to continue by not supporting the blameless victim. Our bonds to the Gurus are what make us brothers and sisters so if one of our vulnerable brothers and sisters is in dire need of support and protection from the members of the Khalsa brother and sisterhood I think we should not think twice to provide it.

Those of you who love Bhai Randhir Singh's example as a Gursikh may recall, if I remember this correctly,how he appeared in sukhsham form to aggressively confront his Gursikh daughter's abusive manmukh husband as he was torturing her having placed the legs of a cot on her hands as he sat on it.

I don't know what the laws are there in Canada but there is ZERO tolerance for domestic abuse in our state and professionals like myself are by law required to screen victims of domestic violence and report abusers to the police, end of story. If you have been at my end of things where you have tenderly cared for the severe physical and emotional wounds of domestic violence victims, you become galvanized to break the cycle of violence, put the oppressor away and help the victim get back on his or her feet.

I just finished providing post op care of such a vicitm last night who was stabbed in the eye with a screwdriver. The eye was grossly infected and she may lose it. I fought back tears as I was stroking this woman's hair and went straight to the ER to provide her more ressources, on top of what she had, to help her get back on her feet.

The abusive husband, due to the diligent reporting by the ER staff in her home town is now in jail. The victim has received loads of support from the health care system and local aid agencies for her and her 2 young children to start life anew free and safe from the abusive tyrant. Does a Gursikh in a similar situation deserve no less support from his Khalsa family??

This is not something you sweep under the rug of social respectability and cover up with Gurbanee to mask one's own unwillingness (for whatever selfish reason) to help the innocent. A Sikh is compassionate and the active protector of the vulnerable.

Sadh sangatjee please think about this and take care of our vulnerable brothers and sisters if you happen to come in their contact.


Author: Balpreet Singh
Date: 07-22-03 12:58

I agree that there comes a point at which a person can no longer tolerate abuse and it's best to leave. In such a case, of course, that person's Khalsa brother and sisters will help for sure. But before such a step is taken, I really suggest speaking with another elder Gursikh for advice.

Author: domalla premee
Date: 07-22-03 14:55

Waheguruji ka Khalsa Waheguruji ki Fateh

YES!! Definitely.....but whoever is counseled....please, Gurmukho, listen carefully, judiciously and without bias or is good not to be hasty but neither is it not to act when action is obviously required.It is the duty of a Singh to stand for the downtrodden


Author: Khalsa
Date: 07-22-03 15:31

I thought our Father and Mother after taking amrit is Guru Gobind Singh and Mata Sahib Kaur!

And the Shabad which Singh is using above does it pertain to non-amritdharee parents? Could you give the whole meaning of the shabad? not 2 liners which can be misleading.

What if your amritdaree father has done bujjar kuhret should you still respect him if he hasn't taken amrit again?

In gurbani it says that vedeen people are living lives like dogs, pigs, should you still respect them, if they haven't taken amrit, and they drink alcohol and eat animals and drink their blood? Does Guru Sahib tell you to repect these parents? Where in Gurbani does it tell you to take abuse from parents? Or accept parents who are non-amritdhari.I feel there is no need to argue or talk disrespectfully to anyone regardless amritdhari or not. However at the same time I do not believe it is necessary to be attached to ones parents if they decide not to follow the Guru's path.

My interpretation of the shabad 'Gurdevmata Gurdevpita Gurdev Swami permeshura', is that God is everything for you.

I can recall one occasion before I was amritdhari Guru Gobind Singh came to me while I was doing simran, and his words to me were ,"We are yours and are always with you." This was at a point in my life when I had no one including my parents. From this moment on I accepted only the Guru and the Khalsa as my family.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
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