asking for insider advice

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru
dy
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asking for insider advice

Post by dy »

I am a non-indian girl who accepted to follow Sikhism sincerely (fyi, I am not American or one of the so called white Sikhs). After a couple of years of very serious consideration, trying to stay away, and testing the strength of our bond, me and a Punjabi-Sikh guy we decided to get married. My friend’s father understood that I am a real nice girl and a very sincere Sikh, and I am capable of fitting into their culture. He agreed to our wish, but obviously his mother doesn’t want me. My friend has siblings and they are already married. The mother says that if he marries a non-Punjabi Sikh, then in the future (maybe 20 years down the line) it will create problems for the (yet unborn) children of the siblings, because good Sikh families won't want to let their kids to marry someone in whose family there is an outsider like me. I understand that some families may think that way, but I can't accept that all good Sikh families should support the caste/race divisions which is clearly in contradiction with Gurus’ teachings. Would this really be the case? Would the children of my friend's siblings not find spouses because my friend marries a non-indian sikh? Is this such a insurmountable problem or is it just exaggeration and unreal fear? I feel totally helpless and miserable for such a long time by now.
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5ikh
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by 5ikh »

Thats not true at all. What the future hold only God knows and to say the children wont find life partners because of the caste system is just not true. His mother is just worried that the punjabi culture will be lossed, but punjabi culture is not even of any importants because Sikhs follow Sikhism.
singhbj
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by singhbj »

Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh

dy ji,

Truth is, this is a very common problem in case of love marriage scenario when the guy in question cannot take an independant decision !

Parents of any guy would certainly have expectations, reservations or prejudices in regards to finalising the marriage of their son.

I would blame the changing social system for this problem. A person has to decide by one's own self on how much to change and what tradition or custom to follow in regards to changing times & surroundings.

People willing & brave enough to take an independant decision in regards to marriage, irrespective of the consequences are rare.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
Jyoti1982
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by Jyoti1982 »

dy - if you and your partner are set on starting a life together, I wish you all the best. You can choose to make a few people unhappy right now to gain their acceptance later and live a happy domestic life. Or you can walk away and wonder the rest of your life which may lead to ultimate unhappiness for you and those around you. The choice is yours. I know it's not easy but thinking of it this way might make it easier. Best of luck :)
dy
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by dy »

I am willing to face the obstacles that lie ahead, but they (his mother) is telling, our marriage would break their family, since it will create problems between the siblings (that the siblings' children wont find good Sikh partners) because of me. I do not want to ruin anyone's life and pursue my own happiness. So if somebody could tell me, whether what his mom saying is exaggeration or not, I would be gratefull.
singhbj
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by singhbj »

Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh

dy ji,

In the traditional sense and arrange marriage, it matters !

Who is the wife or husband of the elder son or daughter makes a difference while arranging the marriage of younger siblings (especially in case of a younger sister).

It matters more when the parents come from rural, uneducated & conservative background rather than from an urban, educated & liberal social heritage.

When in love, one doesnot consider others (family's) perspective which causes lots of problem later. Therefore it is better to opt for an arranged marriage.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
clueless
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by clueless »

hello

i often read through the forum but have never replied/registered but this post made me do so.

i have gone through a similar situation, except mine was done via introductions of parents, so it's not even 'love' that was causing the blindness, but similarly attachment was the veil here.

it's a difficult position to be in, particularly as you may or may not believe in it yourself. However, it's accepting this and wanting the best path for the other people involved (ie your partner and his family) that allows you to let go. Admittedly it doesn't stop the pain but there is no right or wrong in this - it's just down to individual perspectives and beliefs. Some people believe having 'non-sikhs' in the family would dilute the punjabi culture/religion - again this is a correct opinion if you believe it. For others, the fact that non-sikhs (in terms of colour in this case) are in the family or would influence future generations is not as important as other factors, such as having the right values, treating the family right etc. Again it comes down to what you believe in. If you/your partner and his family are willing to be flexible/understand each others beliefs and respect them - then great. If not, then it makes it so much harder.

The one person that could support you in this is your partner - if he believes that the two of you together is the right option for the pair of you and the future life you wish to lead, then you have all the support you need to get through this. Don't forget, a marriage isn't two people - it's one unit working together no matter what the situation. Having different beliefs/values is fine - but only if there is flexibility (on both you/your partners side and his family) to be able to compromise and determine the best path that you both feel is right. If he can support you at this juncture, then it's a good indication of you being able to tackle future problems together too. If you don't have that support/strength from your partner - then fighting it alone is no good. I don't know your situation at all - but if your partner is not able to support you and 'fight' for this - then it may not be the right person/situation for you.

The fact that you are in love with each other does cloud the desire of this so to an extent i agree with singhbj in that arranged marriage is the way forward. however after following this route, this situation still occurs. The reality is - that having non-sikh people in the family is a big issue and it's about deciding, as a couple/family - whether you are strong enough and respect each other to deal with this or not. Your partner needs to decide what's more important to him - having everything good about you fitting into the family/culture/religion or wanting to have an 'easy' life in terms of for his family and ultimately himself too. Like i said, there's no right and wrong in this - only down to personal thoughts, and even as everyone is aware the mind is able to change/be controlled should you/your partner wish it to be, it won't make either of you less of an individual. I hope you are both able to reach the right conclusions for yourselves.

Apologies if i have caused any offence with anything written in this reply.
hopeless
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by hopeless »

I also am in the same problem. I am an American Hindu and in love with a sikh guy. We both have been going out for over 2 years and love each other a lot. But recently i got hurt when he told me that he cannot marry me, his father wants him to marry someone in his own culture. He says that he loves me but he has to listen to his father. Right now i feel so sad & frustrated because I want us to be together.
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manvir singh khalsa
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by manvir singh khalsa »

According to scientific theory, the future of human race will be more of a uni-race due to inter-racial marriages.

According to at least one book by a Sikh who had a dream of the future of Sikhism, Sikhs will marry inter-racially more commonly until there is one Uni-race..

Coming times my friends...
Be inspired, appreciate your life, and love others as you find divinity within them, Blessings.
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suji singh
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Re: asking for insider advice

Post by suji singh »

If you really love each other, go ahead and marry. Even though I am not a scholar of Sikhism, it is my
understanding that Sikhism is not closed to outsiders. My experience tells me that very few mothers-in-law
embrace brides of their sons (even when the brides are orthodox sikhs) readily anyway. Your would be
mother-in-law will eventually accept you provided your would be husband strogly supports you and makes
it clear to his mother.
Good Luck!
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