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Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do...

Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 8:33 pm
by babygirl
Hello

I am 22 years old and have been in a relationship with a boy from Punjab for almost 3 years. We have dated openly at our college, but he has insisted on keeping me a secret from his family and I was upset at first, but figured he would when he is ready to tell them.

I graduated from college recently and found a good job, and he has one year left. I recently also found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant, and when teling my family I was warned- I am seeing red flags right now, because he said he would rather die than tell his family and has been begging me to get an abortion. Since, being a Christian my faith does not agree with it I have decided that I will carry the baby to full term, but we will be deciding to

1. Keep it and raise the child ourselves or
2. adoption

If it were up to me, personally i would keep the baby- but after hearing of stories in which non-sikh/punjabi women are with a punjabi man they usually are left. I want to prepare for the worst and be in the best interest of the child- but am very confused in what to do in this situation.

Should I force him to tell his parents or expose the situation myself to his family? Or should I wait and see if he will stay with me? This sounds so sad, because after talking with him he is very scared and shocked, but said he would not be able to leave me and the child. It would be out of his character and he would feel guilty the rest of his life, but it looks as if his number one priority is truly his honor and family. Any advice would be great...

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 3:33 pm
by sikhing guidance
Hi babygirl

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. You definitely have some tough choices ahead of you. The most important thing is the life you have within you at this moment. What your partner did is shameful and please lets not generalize to punjabi or indian men, a few bad apples, doesnt mean that the rest are bad as well.
In term of options..let me give you a few scenarios, since it is you who must decide this alone:
- you tell his family and the response is negative and they want nothing to do with you
-you tell his family and they welcome you with open arms (it could happen, but unlikely) - if they do, he might resent you, perhaps he does not want to marry you, and just wanted a bf/gf relationship. He possibly could be very happy and marry you
-Adoption: my view will be very unpopular, but as a physician, i have seen and heard the horror stories. There are chances that your child may grow up in a loving home, there are chances where he/she may bounce around in foster care and end up in a not so good situation
-Single parent: Are you capable of providing this child with a good home, time, love, attention, as a mother and a father?

The choices are many and i feel for your situation, but i think you have alot to think over. But you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. If he is already asking for you to abort the child, it seems most likely that he doesnt want a future with you .

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 9:16 am
by ImperfectSikh
babygirl wrote:Hello

I am 22 years old and have been in a relationship with a boy from Punjab for almost 3 years. We have dated openly at our college, but he has insisted on keeping me a secret from his family and I was upset at first, but figured he would when he is ready to tell them.

I graduated from college recently and found a good job, and he has one year left. I recently also found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant, and when teling my family I was warned- I am seeing red flags right now, because he said he would rather die than tell his family and has been begging me to get an abortion. Since, being a Christian my faith does not agree with it I have decided that I will carry the baby to full term, but we will be deciding to

1. Keep it and raise the child ourselves or
2. adoption

If it were up to me, personally i would keep the baby- but after hearing of stories in which non-sikh/punjabi women are with a punjabi man they usually are left. I want to prepare for the worst and be in the best interest of the child- but am very confused in what to do in this situation.

Should I force him to tell his parents or expose the situation myself to his family? Or should I wait and see if he will stay with me? This sounds so sad, because after talking with him he is very scared and shocked, but said he would not be able to leave me and the child. It would be out of his character and he would feel guilty the rest of his life, but it looks as if his number one priority is truly his honor and family. Any advice would be great...
I think he does not respect you. His statement about honor is meaningless as he is dishonoring you, himself and his religion by carrying on like this.

If he saw you as a potential wife, he would have introduced you to his family by himself.

If he fears that his family will react poorly to being involved with a non-Sikh woman, then you should leave him, because if the family will not accept you, and he will not stick up for you, what choices are there at all ?

I also think that it is wrong for you to consider abortion, as it is nothing more than a cover up for his misdeeds. Unfortunately, people like him give the rest of us a pretty bad name.

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:47 pm
by babyfriend
Hello babyfriend...

I'm sorry about your situation but apparently it is not uncommon since I am in the same predicament. I am American and 7 months pregnant from my Sikh boyfriend. We are no longer together or on speaking terms but were together for a year. At the end I felt like I had to jump through too many hoops to be with him. While I was pregnant, he was crying about how terrible his life was to me, but out in the clubs picking up other women, while I was at home alone. He really turned out to be quite a lowlife and I am shocked the person I loved turned out to be an evil user. My boyfriend was so embarrassed about me being pregnant, he told me his life was over, begged me to get an abortion and even said he would commit suicide if I did not do it. Later, we were able to reach an accord, act civilly towards each other and still see each other, but then I realized he was just trying to appease me so I would keep everything secret. When I asked him if he could help me with just $50 per week for the baby he said it was not his responsibily at all and accused me of planning this all along to get his money. Meanwhile, he was one of the cheapest, most ungenerous people I ever dated and we had unprotected sex hundreds of times. This came one week after I asked him for some support (emotional) and he told me he would do anything for me and would always be there for me.

The moral of this story is words are cheap. You must only go by actions especially when dealing in this kind of situation with men like these. Give your boyfriend a chance to tell his family by a certain time, but if he doesn't, you better get ready for the bad news that you may be doing this all on your own. Alot of these men just want to use women as much as they can, party and are too cowardly to do the right thing. They have no character and watch too many movies, so they tell us women all the BS lines, which they don't mean. I hope everything works out for you and your baby. You are very young and if I were you, I would seriously consider whether I would have it or not.

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:21 am
by sikhing guidance
To the above poster, baby friend

It takes 2 to tango. I am sick of hearing about how "the guy" was evil, cheap, uncaring etc. During your one year of dating, were these things not self evident??

You were an equal part of the relationship and also must shoulder part of the blame as well. You had unprotected sex with a man and realized you could get pregnant. Why would you take such a huge risk with, not only your life, but with your health?

I can understand that you are upset, hurt and feel betrayed. But now is the time for getting yourself together, not just for yourself, but for your child. What is done is done, you were an equal partner in all of this, so aside from blaming him, blame yourself.

Please stop with the generalisations. Men and women of all cultures become involved in scenarios similar to yours. It is not limited to just "sikh men" or "indian men"

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:29 pm
by babyfriend
Who said anything about Indian or Sikh men only involved in these scenarios? Why does this issue upset you? Please do not take out guilt about your own actions onto me. I am a victim because my intentions were pure and I had no intention to use and discard someone. If you want to lash out at someone, lash out on some of your fellow brothers who are tarnishing the reputation of your community.

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 7:56 pm
by LoveMyIndianBF
I'm not against abortion and i'm a Christian myself. The thing is, you should have known better instead of getting yourself pregnant. You are still so young. You're only 22.

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 8:49 am
by sikhing guidance
babyfriend wrote:Who said anything about Indian or Sikh men only involved in these scenarios? Why does this issue upset you? Please do not take out guilt about your own actions onto me. I am a victim because my intentions were pure and I had no intention to use and discard someone. If you want to lash out at someone, lash out on some of your fellow brothers who are tarnishing the reputation of your community.

You are on a sikh forum, posting in re: your (ex?) bf about how you were weren't treated right/used/abused etc. What would you expect anyone to infer from this??? As for this issue upsetting me, of course it does, but not on a sikh/punjabi level, but on the stupidity of women like you. If you found faults with this man, why would you put yourself in a position like this? As for pure intentions, having premartial sex and unprotected at that..doesn't sound like pure intentions to me, it sounds akin to lack of thought and intelligence on your part. Now you are here on this forum asking for advice, which i understand, but what is done is done! What you are saying is akin to walking down a street and passing a dog that you know bites..and still go ahead and try petting it...u got bit! What did you expect was going to happen?

There is no need to lash out at anyone. Neither at you or your boyfriend or others in the same situation as you. If you dont make intelligent choices in the first place, then you suffer the consequences, as you are now.

Goodluck with everything, because the road of pure intentions that you set out on, isnt paved.

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 3:41 pm
by Guest
Hi.
I don't normally give advice on these forums,but I have been in the same situation that you have,so I feel that I am able to offer advice.
Firstly,I wouldn't generalise all Sikh/Punjabi men.Your only going to upset the people on this forum.All faiths have bad apples.
I was in the same predicament as you,and decided to go ahead with my pregnancy.My son is the greatest thing that has happened to me,a gift from the gods.
BUT,I am 33 years old,and have lived my life,not 22,and just starting out.When I told my partner that I was pregnant,he cried and told me to 'loose it'.We had been dating for 18 months.He told me that nothing could ever happen between us in the long term,as he wanted an arranged marriage(I now see from these forums that this is the norm)I was three months pregnant when I told him,and that was the last that I ever saw of him (my son has just turned one)If you keep this child,prepair yourself to become a single parent(as I am).The father will have no involvement in your childs life,and will,in no doubt,leave you the second he is aware that you are pregnant.If you try to involve any of his family or friends (i.e advice or just to get close to him)they will understandably take his word over yours,and financial assistance will never be offered.You could try the CSA,but I would advise that this is a very long process that in many cases does not deliver.
Please look again at the options that you have in front of you.By keeping this baby,you will end your relationship,as he will never come back to you,and will most definatly have an arranged marriage later in life.Then again,would you really want a man (of whatever race or creed) that has walked away from you and his child?
Raising a child alone isn't easy,and you will have to make huge sacrifices.My main concern is your age.I would advise you to think long and hard about what you want for the future x

Good luck and stay strong x

Good luck and stay strong x

Re: Unplanned pregnancy with Sikh Man, don't know what to do

Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:59 pm
by Nihal Singh Kanakpuria
SSA,

More often than not, If a guy says he has to do a arranged marriage then its all [edited], esp when his family is in india or other country and he is in one of the western countries.
Some guys are using their parents to play out the bad guy coz they dont want to marry and cant find a proper way to end it.

As far as the child goes, its a pretty pretty tough decision , probably your lifes most difficult decision, Having a child is a huge responsibility, which some ppl are not prepared to take even at their 30's, so think about no help/no involvment nothing from the guy and then decide what you to do.