need some guidance re: marriage

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru
sikhing guidance
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Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2010 6:46 pm

Re: need some guidance re: marriage

Post by sikhing guidance »

SSA

Again thanks for the advice. My bf (i hate that term, but what else to call him) did call up my mother and they had a pleasant discussion. However, after speaking with the both of them, their opinions and their take on the conversation they had with eachother, could not have been more divergent.
Mom is still stubborn, and so is he. I know it ultimately falls to me, and babyfriend you are right, as the other posters have expressed, its up to me to take a stand. I feel so much guilt, given that my dad is no more (therefore i feel responsible for my mother), my mom's health is an issue, and i have no support on this matter from my brother or sister. They all keep bringing up the hair issue. Which is a non issue, as he is going to grow it out anyways, just not at my mothers request. I know parents/family will ultimately come around, and my mind in re: being with him, has not waivered.
I posted another topic in general questions section re: a nytimes wedding annoucement, between a gursikh girl and a jewish/catholic guy, i discussed that issue with mom as well..to try and show her, that her parents were accepting despite her traditional upbringing and they were open to eachothers beliefs, but mom's arguement was "maybe she saw something in him" in rebuttal to my "she loves him"

i see a very long road ahead of me...lol..but i am ready to take that journey

rab rakha..will keep u updated
nsbhullar
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Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 8:12 pm
Location: USA

Re: need some guidance re: marriage

Post by nsbhullar »

The other day i read a news article about Virender Sehwag (cricketer) who got a procedure done to grow his hair back. It was written that the procedure is not that expensive and costs around 80,000 to 100,000 Indian Rupees. Lot of people are doing that to re-grow their hair.
May be you can try to convince your mother with this argument :)
sikh_ms
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Joined: Fri Aug 13, 2010 8:36 am
Location: New Zealand

Re: need some guidance re: marriage

Post by sikh_ms »

Yes agreeing to some of the posts, I would say if your mom is not reasonable, then the boy you wish to be with you is also not right. I do agree that with only hairs one does not become Sikh, but without hairs also one does not become a true Sikh [Bani te Bana or Like in computers both H/W and S/W are complimentary to each other] are essential. Both aspect of life are very important and one should keep trying to become good practising Sikh, not the orthodox but true. Also, a point which saddens me is people for whatever reason they get clean shaved break their first promise with the God of living as they have been sent to the world [odhey Razza] and as such they for petty gains can't be relied upon. What happens if he grows hairs for the sake of temporary arrangement (excuse me) the way some body suggested to do this drama (a very bad suggestion). If he does it now, I am sure you are not only deceiving your self but also giving a way to the guy to deceive your self in future. It , if it matured, wouldn't last long, please excuse me for that prediction. The best thing is your friend to whom you wish to marry should come in discipline at his own and try practising real Sikhism and not merely going to so-called preachers of toady time/ Gurudwara but following and making Sikhism as real part of his life besides other wordily duties , I know it is very difficult.

I also know you are getting your views stamped from we people and many have come your side, but I certainly don't agree with them. Do't be about eastern/ Western follow Guru Granth Philosophy which never teaches you about caste/ areas you belong to/ country/ nationality/ Jat / Bahpa/ Tarkhan/ etc. It is a universal religion but basic rule of having hairs should never be ignored. Remember, I am not suggesting your mom is also right but you and your friend are also not.
Your ardent desires, which of course are natural, are compelling you to compromise to make bothy the parties happy. Advise you friend to associate with Guru in true sense and you too associate with true Guru and then come together, your life will be prosperous.

Join Guru Granth Sahib Web academy at http://www.ggsacademy.com/shabadvichar/kirtansets/ and enjoy the philosophy explained and sung in fantastic way by a very learned preacher. I am sure you would get answers to your all questions.

Dont count how many people have gone against you mom decision but you both to Guru and wait for time until you both feel that you are under the guidance of Guru. Show this post to you mom also and strangely you didn't mention your father's views on the matter.
sikhing guidance
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Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2010 6:46 pm

Re: need some guidance re: marriage

Post by sikhing guidance »

I didnt know where else to go..i need to get this out of my system. I feel so hopeless and depressed right now. I have been crying on and off for the past week and i dont see a resolution to any of my problems. Even going to gurdwara yesterday didnt bring me that feeling of peace that i usually get.
My mom has been visiting me these past few days and initially the visit was pleasant, but things have taken an ugly turn. Its a constant barrage of verbiage and its always in re: my marriage. I feel like leaving and running away. Things reached a tipping point at the mall. While we were walking from the parking lot..my mom accused me of being responsible for her being sick, for my deceased father being disappointed in me for choosing someone (ie the guy i am talking to now who shaves his head) and for him being the cause of her having episodes of not feeling well. I am at the end of my rope. I have always tried to be a good daughter, but in the end its always my fault.."girls shouldnt be educated, if u werent so educated you would have found someone already" or "he only has this and that degree, its not up to our standard", or "hes not goodlooking or fill in the blank enough, what will people say". Its gotten to the point where my mom would prefer i marry anyone (white, hindu etc) as long as its not him, even though my mom knows that i only want to marry a sikh. She has been pushing me to see a therapist, convinced that i purposely am seeking out "damaged" people and thus i am at fault for not finding someone good enough for me. Good or bad, i did make an appt to see a therapist, but only because i am at my wits end and am so unhappy with everything. I dont want to get married anymore..i just want to be left alone. I have approached him multiple times to meet with my mother and then we would make our own decision, but he refuses to meet my mom.
Sadh Sangat ji..what do i do..i dont have any family i can go to. My siblings arent sympathetic, i dont have any extended family i can talk to about this. My friends are of the opinion that i should just go and marry him and do what makes me happy, but i feel so guilty about doing anything to hurt my mom.
He is a nice guy, hes caring and hes put up with alot from my mother. But i wonder, since he knows this is causing me pain, why cant he just meet my mom (he knows she is going to shoot him down, thats why he doesnt want to meet her) and then at least i would have some peace of mind knowing that she has seen him and from that point on..its between us.
plz help me..i have tried doing path..and my mind isnt there..i feel so lonely..i feel like i have no one else to turn to..i talk to god..but feel that this is never going to be resolved. Even if therapy does give me some insight..its not going to magically make the man of my moms dreams appear and make her happy..her mentality wont change..
I just cant take it anymore
AM
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Joined: Thu Jun 12, 2008 4:53 pm

Re: need some guidance re: marriage

Post by AM »

Being in the middle of it all it can seem like there really is no way out without ripping yourself apart. Many many moments in life can become this way.

With your mum try thinking this way for a sec. If you had a close friend with the same strong feelings to any particular topic. so much that it was making her sick. Wouldn't you as a friend try and do anything to find out how you can help? The best way to solve situations like this is to understand first she has a reason for feeling the way she does, right or wrong. Understanding is important and acceptance. Don't disregard her feelings simply as silly and incorrect. Find out why she feels this way without being defensive. Sit down with a pot of cha and just talk? Listen to her even if she goes off on a tangent. It sounds like there is something there that might be more than just the 'ganja'.

Also with regards to the BF. While I understand you not wanting him to be humiliated, I'm sorry but a partner in life is a partner in life, ego doesn't come into it so why feel guilty. He should be just as concerned as you are that your mum is making herself sick about this. He should be front and centre helping to solve the situation in anyway he can. She could call him Jack the ripper and it should slide off his back. Why? Well because he care for you right. That means doing anything that makes your life better and vice versa. If he shows you the respect he should by standing by your side and reassuring you that he is not going away then why are you feeling indebted to him. Feel a sense of comfort instead that this man, your choice is perfect for you and if he is willing to handle this then likely he can handle anything else with you and be a huge support to your family too. Sure its hard with his hair so maybe he needs to grow it out a bit to show mum his issue and he needs to be upfront and talk to his mum in law about his concerns and maybe even ask her advise about how he can fix it? She might feel more involved if she shares some old wives tales about oil and goodness knows what else :)

Forget those friends telling you to grow up. So what if you are 33 and an adult, a mum is a mum and always will be. Life doesn't revolve around husband and kids, we all had a family growing up and they are always there even when our littlies grow and move on. Mums are always learning how to be a mum and she is doing the best she knows how. Give her some credit and some empathy too.

Don't think this is really a struggle about the hair or lack of...mum has more on her mind and its scaring her sick and it likely involves you....the fear of a parent about a child no matter how misguided is still a legitimate fear and should be taken seriously by children particularly grown children. Parents are not infallible....give mum a hug and try asking whats really going on, cry, scream, hug and drink lots of cha but stay there until mum tells you whats going on with her. and most importantly reassure her that she did a fantastic job raising you and you love her for it all the more. Truly understanding and kindness will maybe see her dancing the hardest at your wedding.

Best of luck.
AM
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