need some guidance re: marriage
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sikhing guidance
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need some guidance re: marriage
Sat Sri Akal,
I know this forum has been inundated with questions re: marriage, so here i am writing about my struggles. I am a 33yo single, well educated sikh girl. I didnt enter the world or matrimony until i was approx. 28, there are multiple reasons for that, education, career etc
Initially, i met alot of " Mr Wrongs", but finally i have met someone who i am compatible with. We care about eachother and get along fabulously. We are of the same caste, religion, nationality, one year apart in age, double degree holders i mean there isnt anything flawed in the fundamentals. But this is where there is a huge issue, esp with my mom, and that is he shaves his head. The reason he does is because it is thinning and he states that at some point he will grow it out for me. My mother cant get past it, she refuses to meet him until he grows it. Then she states that hes not good enough for me or that i am so inept that i cannot find anyone good enough to meet my mom's standards. I dont know what to do, i feel that my mother doesnt understand where i am coming from. I want to get married, i want to have children i want to live my life with him, and its frustrating me to no end..i dont know what to do, should i listen to my mom and start over again, i dont want to disrespect or hurt my mother. But i care about him and i want to spend my life with him, but i dont want to lose my family.
I know our ultimate relationship is with Waheguru, i have been praying and asking for guidance, but i dont know what to do, its causing frictions and fights..i am rereading everything i have written and it sounds so nonsensical, but really i need some help.
please any advice would be appreciated
I know this forum has been inundated with questions re: marriage, so here i am writing about my struggles. I am a 33yo single, well educated sikh girl. I didnt enter the world or matrimony until i was approx. 28, there are multiple reasons for that, education, career etc
Initially, i met alot of " Mr Wrongs", but finally i have met someone who i am compatible with. We care about eachother and get along fabulously. We are of the same caste, religion, nationality, one year apart in age, double degree holders i mean there isnt anything flawed in the fundamentals. But this is where there is a huge issue, esp with my mom, and that is he shaves his head. The reason he does is because it is thinning and he states that at some point he will grow it out for me. My mother cant get past it, she refuses to meet him until he grows it. Then she states that hes not good enough for me or that i am so inept that i cannot find anyone good enough to meet my mom's standards. I dont know what to do, i feel that my mother doesnt understand where i am coming from. I want to get married, i want to have children i want to live my life with him, and its frustrating me to no end..i dont know what to do, should i listen to my mom and start over again, i dont want to disrespect or hurt my mother. But i care about him and i want to spend my life with him, but i dont want to lose my family.
I know our ultimate relationship is with Waheguru, i have been praying and asking for guidance, but i dont know what to do, its causing frictions and fights..i am rereading everything i have written and it sounds so nonsensical, but really i need some help.
please any advice would be appreciated
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KamaljitSingh
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Re: need some guidance re: marriage
Your problem is like a ticking bomb.On one side your marriageable age is running fast and on the other spiritual requirements seem to be falling short.The best way is allow not your tongue to speak negative against your would be husband or mother.If that man is for you he would be yours.May be the God wants the things to go a little slow.Biologically a woman needs a man and the viceversa and a Sikh should also not ignore the call of spirituality.The stonger forces would prevail.That remaining passive would do you the best is also no gurantee.There doesn't seem to be much option but.Satnam Waheguru.
Satnam Waheguru
Sewa is a bit extra that we do for the fellow beings and we may call it 'Practical Simran'.
Sewa is a bit extra that we do for the fellow beings and we may call it 'Practical Simran'.
Re: need some guidance re: marriage
Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
First, what is stopping you from getting married to this guy ?
You are mature, probably financially independant and in love so what's the problem !
Frankly your parents had plenty of time (33 years) to find a match, now if you want to get married then YOU ONLY will have to take that decision.
Don't you think it's too late to be choosy, better to be realistic and practical.
In society 99.9 % women leave their parents house after marriage to start a new life so you won't be doing anything different.
It's time to be WESTERN not EASTERN in your approach to life.
Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
Waheguru ji ki fateh
First, what is stopping you from getting married to this guy ?
You are mature, probably financially independant and in love so what's the problem !
Frankly your parents had plenty of time (33 years) to find a match, now if you want to get married then YOU ONLY will have to take that decision.
Don't you think it's too late to be choosy, better to be realistic and practical.
In society 99.9 % women leave their parents house after marriage to start a new life so you won't be doing anything different.
It's time to be WESTERN not EASTERN in your approach to life.
Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
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StoneCold316
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Re: need some guidance re: marriage
I'm a Sikh guy and I have really long hair. That turns people off. I don't wear a turban and like long hair (guess I'm a rocker at heart). Most girls I meet out here freak out that I have long hair. Funny thing is, they then complain that I do nothing to my hair and it's in better condition than theirs. But they tell me that their folks will have an issue with it also.
So I have the exact same problem as you, but on the other side of the spectrum. When I meet spineless girls like this, I just walk away. I don't have time for children.
Question is this, you are a 33 year old adult (not a child). Why do you need acceptance from your folks to marry this guy? Doesn't matter who you bring home, your folks will never like him. Even if you marry a guy your folks have hand picked for you, they will still find faults in him. Why do you think our generation is growing older and not getting married? 99% of the reason is due to our folks and their unrealistic expectations and emotional blackmail. Indian parents have a lot to answer for. It annoys me no end when people come to western countries and then refuse to assimilate into their new environments. They expect everyone to accept their backwards views.
If you marry this guy, your folks will huff and puff and tell you they're having a heart attack and are going to die (don't they all say this!!). EMOTIONAL BLACK TIME!! Ignore them and in a few months they will come begging back to you, asking to be a part of your life again.
So I have the exact same problem as you, but on the other side of the spectrum. When I meet spineless girls like this, I just walk away. I don't have time for children.
Question is this, you are a 33 year old adult (not a child). Why do you need acceptance from your folks to marry this guy? Doesn't matter who you bring home, your folks will never like him. Even if you marry a guy your folks have hand picked for you, they will still find faults in him. Why do you think our generation is growing older and not getting married? 99% of the reason is due to our folks and their unrealistic expectations and emotional blackmail. Indian parents have a lot to answer for. It annoys me no end when people come to western countries and then refuse to assimilate into their new environments. They expect everyone to accept their backwards views.
If you marry this guy, your folks will huff and puff and tell you they're having a heart attack and are going to die (don't they all say this!!). EMOTIONAL BLACK TIME!! Ignore them and in a few months they will come begging back to you, asking to be a part of your life again.
Re: need some guidance re: marriage
Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
Your in a sticky situation but isn't it about time you started making your own decisions, especially when time is running short for you? What I mean to say is we women have a biological clock which makes conceiving difficult as years pass, the more some women delay conceiving that more problem they or their children have i.e. birth defects etc. so please if you are serious about wanting to get married and having healthy children I would highly recommend that you have a chat with your mother and explain your situation, she as a woman should understand.
If this guy is truly as good as you say then think twice before leaving him, what if you don't find someone as understanding? Do you want to be stuck with someone who makes you unhappy just so you could please your mother, who will not be the one living with you everyday?
You are an educated adult, you should seriously talk to your parents in a respected manner and give them an ultimatum, if you wait around longer you are only hurting yourself.
I wish you all the best.
Waheguru ji ki fateh
Your in a sticky situation but isn't it about time you started making your own decisions, especially when time is running short for you? What I mean to say is we women have a biological clock which makes conceiving difficult as years pass, the more some women delay conceiving that more problem they or their children have i.e. birth defects etc. so please if you are serious about wanting to get married and having healthy children I would highly recommend that you have a chat with your mother and explain your situation, she as a woman should understand.
If this guy is truly as good as you say then think twice before leaving him, what if you don't find someone as understanding? Do you want to be stuck with someone who makes you unhappy just so you could please your mother, who will not be the one living with you everyday?
You are an educated adult, you should seriously talk to your parents in a respected manner and give them an ultimatum, if you wait around longer you are only hurting yourself.
I wish you all the best.
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tejpalsingh
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Re: need some guidance re: marriage
I fully endorse the views and advice of singhbj.singhbj wrote:Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
First, what is stopping you from getting married to this guy ?
You are mature, probably financially independant and in love so what's the problem !
Frankly your parents had plenty of time (33 years) to find a match, now if you want to get married then YOU ONLY will have to take that decision.
Don't you think it's too late to be choosy, better to be realistic and practical.
In society 99.9 % women leave their parents house after marriage to start a new life so you won't be doing anything different.
It's time to be WESTERN not EASTERN in your approach to life.
Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh
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sikhing guidance
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- Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2010 6:46 pm
Re: need some guidance re: marriage
SSA
Thankyou to all the posters for their advice. I wanted to give an update on this whole situation.
My mom suddenly came around to finally meeting him, it was out of the blue and completely unexpected. I finally thought that things were falling into place..but i was very wrong. He (my guy) wanted to call my mom up and speak to her over the phone to introduce himself etc before actually meeting with him and his family in person . He tried calling but the phone went to voicemail, he left a message and then called me. I tried calling my mom and got through on the second try. I asked my mother whether she recieved a call from him and she said no. I told my mother that i would have him call her..that is when the verbal lashing began, i was called everything from a being a loser to finally having my mother hang up on me. I am at my wits end..there is nothing wrong with my guy whatsoever. He is a fantastic person, who despite all of this negativity from my mom is still standing by me. I know its hard for him, to have to be subjected to this humiliation. It makes me feel so ashamed.
My anger is telling me to move on and live my life..but another part of me realizes that without my mom's blessing i won't feel complete, i think that what she is doing is wrong. For godsake, even a criminal has his moment before a judge and jury to explain his actions, my mom wont even give this guy a fair chance. He has nothing to hide, hes a very nice person, really seriously and i am not making this up, the only issue is that my mom is convinced that he is "ganja" and she refuses to marry her daughter off to a guy who is "ganja". Its ridiculous, and hes not ganja!!!
What do i do????? really plz help me!
Thankyou to all the posters for their advice. I wanted to give an update on this whole situation.
My mom suddenly came around to finally meeting him, it was out of the blue and completely unexpected. I finally thought that things were falling into place..but i was very wrong. He (my guy) wanted to call my mom up and speak to her over the phone to introduce himself etc before actually meeting with him and his family in person . He tried calling but the phone went to voicemail, he left a message and then called me. I tried calling my mom and got through on the second try. I asked my mother whether she recieved a call from him and she said no. I told my mother that i would have him call her..that is when the verbal lashing began, i was called everything from a being a loser to finally having my mother hang up on me. I am at my wits end..there is nothing wrong with my guy whatsoever. He is a fantastic person, who despite all of this negativity from my mom is still standing by me. I know its hard for him, to have to be subjected to this humiliation. It makes me feel so ashamed.
My anger is telling me to move on and live my life..but another part of me realizes that without my mom's blessing i won't feel complete, i think that what she is doing is wrong. For godsake, even a criminal has his moment before a judge and jury to explain his actions, my mom wont even give this guy a fair chance. He has nothing to hide, hes a very nice person, really seriously and i am not making this up, the only issue is that my mom is convinced that he is "ganja" and she refuses to marry her daughter off to a guy who is "ganja". Its ridiculous, and hes not ganja!!!
What do i do????? really plz help me!
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sikhing guidance
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Re: need some guidance re: marriage
SSA
I also wanted to say. I reread the posts to my dilemma, and i thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for taking time from your lives to impart your wisdom and advice to me. I feel that ultimately it will come down to presenting my mom with an ultimatum, either she accepts or she doesnt. Yes emotional blackmail is a huge player in all of this, but truly in my heart, i know my mom is incorrect on her stance, and that is making me feel stronger in sticking with my stand, aside from of course all the wonderful qualities that my guy possesses.
Thanks so much to everyone again. Hopefully, you can provide me with some more insight.
rabh rakha
I also wanted to say. I reread the posts to my dilemma, and i thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for taking time from your lives to impart your wisdom and advice to me. I feel that ultimately it will come down to presenting my mom with an ultimatum, either she accepts or she doesnt. Yes emotional blackmail is a huge player in all of this, but truly in my heart, i know my mom is incorrect on her stance, and that is making me feel stronger in sticking with my stand, aside from of course all the wonderful qualities that my guy possesses.
Thanks so much to everyone again. Hopefully, you can provide me with some more insight.
rabh rakha
Re: need some guidance re: marriage
HI,
With your description, it seems that your mom is at wrong end here. If one being bald is the only scenario and rest all perfect, this is not a fit case to call the relationship off; especially when you have already crossed 30 mark. I wouldn't still, suggest you to confront your mom on this. May be, you should think over this from a different perspective.
They say ' Diamond cuts a diamond'. Put yourself in your mom's shoes for a while, and try to figure out from where she is coming; what is her thinking behind this? May be try to find the root cause, and develop a strategy to tackle it :) 'All is fair in love and war'
For example, you can have your guy tie the turban and keep beard for few days, and bring him home. Or, make your mom watch a movie on the subject which might impact her change minds. I am sure there is some hindi version of Monster in Law.
Or have your dad on your side or one of your mom's dear friends, whom she listens.
If all good measures fail, then it is pious to raise the sword. Eh taa Guru Sahib v keh gaye ne :)
All the Best.
N S Bhullar
With your description, it seems that your mom is at wrong end here. If one being bald is the only scenario and rest all perfect, this is not a fit case to call the relationship off; especially when you have already crossed 30 mark. I wouldn't still, suggest you to confront your mom on this. May be, you should think over this from a different perspective.
They say ' Diamond cuts a diamond'. Put yourself in your mom's shoes for a while, and try to figure out from where she is coming; what is her thinking behind this? May be try to find the root cause, and develop a strategy to tackle it :) 'All is fair in love and war'
For example, you can have your guy tie the turban and keep beard for few days, and bring him home. Or, make your mom watch a movie on the subject which might impact her change minds. I am sure there is some hindi version of Monster in Law.
Or have your dad on your side or one of your mom's dear friends, whom she listens.
If all good measures fail, then it is pious to raise the sword. Eh taa Guru Sahib v keh gaye ne :)
All the Best.
N S Bhullar
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babyfriend
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Re: need some guidance re: marriage
You and your mother are making issues where there aren't any-talk about sabotage. Do not humilate your boyfriend/fiance any longer and be the woman you are and stand up for him. He has proven that he deserves your support. Your mother will certainly come around. They almost all do especially when the matter at hand is so trivial.