need advice
Posted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 12:43 am
Respected elders and friends,
I am thinking of ending my marriage and i need sincere advice as to weather this will be a right decision.I am a gursikh girl born and brought up in a gursikh very well educated professional family in punjab. I had an arranged marriage 5 years ago . My husband belongs to a gursikh family too. His family is in India. But he was a canadian citizen at the time of marriage.I came to canada about 10 months after our marriage. The problem with our relationship is that my husband is too much under the influence of his mother. He does everything she tells him to do. Ever since we got married we have been fighting.He is very verbally abusive towards my parents and my family and we have even had quiet a few physical fights .He is like that everytime there is a festival or any occasion as my mother in law keeps telling him things like what my parents did wrong ,like not respecting her enough or if the gifts she was supposed to be given by my family are not good enough for her etc etc. When I moved to canada I got admission here at a university and will be finishing my degree soon.For the past 2 years we have been living separately because my school is in a different city .Everytime we meet its like the same old things again....If I go to India there is a problem as my mother in law wants me to stay with her for a longer time than with my parents.....its not that she loves me or anything but she knows that it will be difficult for me , so its just to create problems.....things like someone should come pick me up and drop me back at her house....as if i am a small child....I don't think she is very traditional as far as she herself is concerned but she where i come she has to create problems. I think all mil's are like that, but I guess husbands should be more supportive of their wives. She used to just take the phone and start telling my husband what all me and my parents did wrong that day all in front of me, and he instead of telling her to let go of useless things wouls start speaking badly of me and my parents himself...I am not saying that I am a perfect person and that I do everything right, I make mistakes too,but I think that as a husband he should take my side in front of his mom,and if he thinks I did something wrong he should talk to me privately. I have talked to my parents about his being verbally abusive but I have not told them about our physical fights. They say that I should not worry about them and improve my relationship with him.I know that my husband is a good man , but I think our views donot match on many subjects and he is very short tempered. He has set views about how a married woman should behave etc etc, basically have all the traditional indian values of a good bahu and forget about her parents, siblings etc.I think that I have been brought up to be very independent by my parents and most of our views donot match. He has no sense of privacy between a husband and wife.According to him as we are a family now,his mom should know everything that goes on,even the most private things. I have talked to him about divorce and he gets very verbally abusive and threatens to kill my parents anf siblings. His view is that he brought me to canada and in some months I will be well settled here after finishing my degree, and wants me to go back to india.
I am not sure how this marriage lasted as long as it did,cause I have never heard or seen anything like the way we fight.I am scared to leave because I donot want to make the wrong decision and end up alone forever. On some level I know that if his mom stopped creating problems we could do better and I am sure that she never will stop.Please help.
Regards,
G kaur
I am thinking of ending my marriage and i need sincere advice as to weather this will be a right decision.I am a gursikh girl born and brought up in a gursikh very well educated professional family in punjab. I had an arranged marriage 5 years ago . My husband belongs to a gursikh family too. His family is in India. But he was a canadian citizen at the time of marriage.I came to canada about 10 months after our marriage. The problem with our relationship is that my husband is too much under the influence of his mother. He does everything she tells him to do. Ever since we got married we have been fighting.He is very verbally abusive towards my parents and my family and we have even had quiet a few physical fights .He is like that everytime there is a festival or any occasion as my mother in law keeps telling him things like what my parents did wrong ,like not respecting her enough or if the gifts she was supposed to be given by my family are not good enough for her etc etc. When I moved to canada I got admission here at a university and will be finishing my degree soon.For the past 2 years we have been living separately because my school is in a different city .Everytime we meet its like the same old things again....If I go to India there is a problem as my mother in law wants me to stay with her for a longer time than with my parents.....its not that she loves me or anything but she knows that it will be difficult for me , so its just to create problems.....things like someone should come pick me up and drop me back at her house....as if i am a small child....I don't think she is very traditional as far as she herself is concerned but she where i come she has to create problems. I think all mil's are like that, but I guess husbands should be more supportive of their wives. She used to just take the phone and start telling my husband what all me and my parents did wrong that day all in front of me, and he instead of telling her to let go of useless things wouls start speaking badly of me and my parents himself...I am not saying that I am a perfect person and that I do everything right, I make mistakes too,but I think that as a husband he should take my side in front of his mom,and if he thinks I did something wrong he should talk to me privately. I have talked to my parents about his being verbally abusive but I have not told them about our physical fights. They say that I should not worry about them and improve my relationship with him.I know that my husband is a good man , but I think our views donot match on many subjects and he is very short tempered. He has set views about how a married woman should behave etc etc, basically have all the traditional indian values of a good bahu and forget about her parents, siblings etc.I think that I have been brought up to be very independent by my parents and most of our views donot match. He has no sense of privacy between a husband and wife.According to him as we are a family now,his mom should know everything that goes on,even the most private things. I have talked to him about divorce and he gets very verbally abusive and threatens to kill my parents anf siblings. His view is that he brought me to canada and in some months I will be well settled here after finishing my degree, and wants me to go back to india.
I am not sure how this marriage lasted as long as it did,cause I have never heard or seen anything like the way we fight.I am scared to leave because I donot want to make the wrong decision and end up alone forever. On some level I know that if his mom stopped creating problems we could do better and I am sure that she never will stop.Please help.
Regards,
G kaur