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need advice

Posted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 12:43 am
by g kaur
Respected elders and friends,
I am thinking of ending my marriage and i need sincere advice as to weather this will be a right decision.I am a gursikh girl born and brought up in a gursikh very well educated professional family in punjab. I had an arranged marriage 5 years ago . My husband belongs to a gursikh family too. His family is in India. But he was a canadian citizen at the time of marriage.I came to canada about 10 months after our marriage. The problem with our relationship is that my husband is too much under the influence of his mother. He does everything she tells him to do. Ever since we got married we have been fighting.He is very verbally abusive towards my parents and my family and we have even had quiet a few physical fights .He is like that everytime there is a festival or any occasion as my mother in law keeps telling him things like what my parents did wrong ,like not respecting her enough or if the gifts she was supposed to be given by my family are not good enough for her etc etc. When I moved to canada I got admission here at a university and will be finishing my degree soon.For the past 2 years we have been living separately because my school is in a different city .Everytime we meet its like the same old things again....If I go to India there is a problem as my mother in law wants me to stay with her for a longer time than with my parents.....its not that she loves me or anything but she knows that it will be difficult for me , so its just to create problems.....things like someone should come pick me up and drop me back at her if i am a small child....I don't think she is very traditional as far as she herself is concerned but she where i come she has to create problems. I think all mil's are like that, but I guess husbands should be more supportive of their wives. She used to just take the phone and start telling my husband what all me and my parents did wrong that day all in front of me, and he instead of telling her to let go of useless things wouls start speaking badly of me and my parents himself...I am not saying that I am a perfect person and that I do everything right, I make mistakes too,but I think that as a husband he should take my side in front of his mom,and if he thinks I did something wrong he should talk to me privately. I have talked to my parents about his being verbally abusive but I have not told them about our physical fights. They say that I should not worry about them and improve my relationship with him.I know that my husband is a good man , but I think our views donot match on many subjects and he is very short tempered. He has set views about how a married woman should behave etc etc, basically have all the traditional indian values of a good bahu and forget about her parents, siblings etc.I think that I have been brought up to be very independent by my parents and most of our views donot match. He has no sense of privacy between a husband and wife.According to him as we are a family now,his mom should know everything that goes on,even the most private things. I have talked to him about divorce and he gets very verbally abusive and threatens to kill my parents anf siblings. His view is that he brought me to canada and in some months I will be well settled here after finishing my degree, and wants me to go back to india.
I am not sure how this marriage lasted as long as it did,cause I have never heard or seen anything like the way we fight.I am scared to leave because I donot want to make the wrong decision and end up alone forever. On some level I know that if his mom stopped creating problems we could do better and I am sure that she never will stop.Please help.
G kaur

Re: need advice

Posted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 10:36 am
by jaskaur
bhenji, i can't tell you what to do... it's a very complicated situation. so please don't take my advice as final...

but if he beats you, you should know you have every right to leave. have you talked to your parents about this? what do they say? we both know that in indian culture it's very hard to get divorced, there are a lot of social consequences, not only for you, but for your parents, even younger siblings, etc. but if he hits you... it might be worth the pain just to get free of that. you have to keep yourself safe. if he hits you now, what will he do to your children? if he has threatened your family, you can register a case against him in india. there are strict laws against this now. too many women have been hurt in the past, india is trying to clean up it's image when it comes to women's rights.

there's one more thing... not all mother in laws are like that. i'm sorry you have to go through this. my mother in law is sweet, kind, and caring. she treats me the same as she treats her own daughter, probably better than my own mother treats me. so don't get depressed thinking it's always like this... there are good gursikh families out there who treat everyone with love. you just have to find them. and i hope someday you will. :)

i hate to say it, but if his family treats you so bad, they're not a gursikh family. looking like sikhs doesn't mean sikhi is in their heart.

finally, before making any decision, do ardaas from deep in your heart, ask guru sahib what to do, and take a hukamnana. guru sahib will always give you the right advice.

i wish you well, bhenji.

Re: need advice

Posted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 12:30 am
by suji singh
G Kaur Ji ---

Let me say upfront that I am not a big fan of arranged marriage since it lacks a “compatibility test”. It is not clear the undercurrents or hidden assumptions since it an arranged marriage. Here it goes, a rather blunt advice: You two are not compatible, so move on. Let me discuss this below.

How can his mother run his life from India when you two live in Canada? If this is true and you believe it, move on.

You write:
He is very verbally abusive towards my parents and my family and we have even had quiet a few physical fights.

If these physical fights are violent, move on before you get hurt. How can he be abusive to your family from Canada since they live in India? If you rewrite the salient issues in your marriage more cogently and clearly, you will get good and sincere advice from this board.

You write:
His view is that he brought me to canada and in some months I will be well settled here after finishing my degree, and wants me to go back to india.
So, you accepted this marriage till an opportune time. It does not look good! Your husband may think that you conspired with your family to find an opportune time so that you may bring them to Canada. You know the truth! A broken trust is hard to repair!! "Visa Marriages" cause hurt.

You write:
I am scared to leave because I do not want to make the wrong decision and end up alone forever. This is wrong reason to stay in a marriage.
If this relationship is as abusive as you described, it is much better to be alone. You never mention the sources of your income over the last four years. The real reason your husband does not want to antagonize his mother is, perhaps, he is afraid to lose his inheritance. At any rate, you really have a "suitcase marriage" since you two are living apart anyway.

Your mother-in-law may be somewhat to blame: The real problem is between you and your husband.

Bottom line, you need to seriously consider departing this relationship without getting hurt, or, pay the price to make this marriage work by meeting the terms dictated by your husband. Good Luck!

Re: need advice

Posted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 4:57 am
by KamaljitSingh
'Kal tati dhanda har nao.'In Sukhmani Guruji says the age of Kali is hot soothing is God's name.'Mirtak ko Jiwalanhar'God is capable of reviving even a dead(relationship).Try doing Simran along with your husband.May it help your relationship.God bless you.Waheguruji ka khalsa Waheguruji ki Fateh.

Re: need advice

Posted: Sun Jan 10, 2010 6:58 am
by singhbj
Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh

G kaur ji,

As you would know by now, it is not easy to migrate or move away from nears & dears.
It takes a lot of hard work, time and sacrifice in order to settle down in a new place.
Generally 5 to 7 years.

Now as you & your husband have already spent time, money and energy in Canada so the difficult period is over or will soon be over. Best option is to complete your studies and get a job. That will bring a big positive change in all (you, your husband & his mom).

I understand that it is difficult to balance tradition with modern outlook (work plus family life) but still a baby brings lots of happiness in the family and cement's the bond between husband & wife.

In my opinion, most marriages don't last because the couple don't have children.

Will strongly advice you to read as well as contemplate Gurbani. Moreso you must volunteer for Seva this will bring positive changes in your life.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa
Waheguru ji ki fateh

Re: need advice

Posted: Sun Jan 10, 2010 5:41 pm
by KamaljitSingh
One of my students did paper marriage to reach Canada.But that very marriage became his real marriage.'Nrip kanya ke karne ik bhaya baikhdhari'In this story of Gurbani false love for God turned into a real one.May God fill your married life with grace.WaheGuruji ka Khalsa Waheguruji ki Fateh.

Re: need advice

Posted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 1:00 am
by g kaur
Thank you everyone for taking time to read my post and offering advice.

Re: need advice

Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:15 am
by AM
A man who raises a hand to his wife is not a man. A man that raises his hand to anyone is not a man. Sounds cliche but its true. Society and family pressure might make it hard to leave, but really are you willing to take that abuse for the rest of your life and in fact why should you even be expected to. Imagine for a moment your own daughter in your situation, I would hope you would run in and take her away if she was even hesitating for a moment.

As much as you mother in law sounds like a piece of work, she is not the problem. The man is not a boy despite how he behaves and you are not his mother. He made the decision to marry you, regardless if it was made for him, his parents didn't do the anand karaj did they? Its time men like your husband had to take up the rubbish they put out. They call themselves men but blame mummy, work, life etc etc for all the horrible things in their lives and then have the audacity to put all that blame on you and your family.

Women like yourself are rare, the ones that decide to leave and are so brave. Please don't think you can change him. Leave him to his life or blaming others and let it affect other people. Thankfully no children have come of it.

Leave and rest assured life with turn out just fine, This time though it will be your on your terms with people around you that are worthy of your trust and offer you the support you need.

Best of luck and have faith you are capable of having a full and fulfilled life despite all this.


Re: need advice

Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 1:18 pm
by PCJ2K
I can not offer any advice whether to leave or not because after all, you know the best. But I will give you three real-life example that may or may not help you in any way.

First one, the guy, who was born in India but grew up in England, went to India and had an arranged marriage. The girl came here to the US and was physically abused by her mother-in-law for quite some time. Although the guy didn't abuse her, I think he was a little brainwashed by her parents that this was normal. But the girl realized that the solution was that she and her husband should move out. Now they are doing fine. It turned out that he is a really good husband. But the difference here was the guy was not really bad in the first place.

Second one, the girl, who had been in the US since she was pretty young, went to India, got married and got pregnant. She came back to the US. Since the husband was still in India and she went to see him and for some reason, he beat her up. She came back to the US and cancelled the petition so that he could not come to the US. Now she is doing fine being a single mom.

Third one, the girl went from India to Canada and got married their. The husband started being abusive towards her. Her parents talked to a family originally from the same village. The family talked to the husband or more like threatened him and the abuse stopped.

This is really your choice.

I believe that we only live once and we have the right to our lives to the fullest....

Re: need advice

Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 10:35 pm
by humanity
Dear G Kaur

Take a deep breath, get a piece of paper and fold it in half. Now, right down the reasons for staying in the marriage on one side and for not staying in the marriage on the other half. No matter what you read on these forums, ultimately you will be the one making this decision. As an educated adult, you can be independent in your choices regardless what the society and culture forces upon you. On a personal note, if hurting others is a sin, then letting others hurt you is also no less than a sin. After all, the body is our temple, which contains a beautiful mind. Be wise and make a good judgement for your sake.