need advice

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru
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Re: need advice

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what advice you needed...
StoneCold316
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Re: need advice

Post by StoneCold316 »

I used to live in Vancouver and I'm afraid to tell you that this behavior is all too common among Sikh's in Canada. You're not the first to have to experienced this and you will definitely not be the last. I never understood how people moved from India to Canada, only to transgress into neanderthal like ways. When I talk to Sikh's living in the UK, even they wonder what on earth is going on with the Sikh's in Canada.

It's in your best interests to start divorce proceedings with this guy and get the heck out. If you want to stay in Canada, then there is nothing stopping you from doing so. BUT, you must file a restraining order against this man and his family. You don't want any of them coming near you and if they do, you'll have the full force of the law on your side. You're living in Canada, not India. You can't bribe the police in Canada, like you can in India. What more do you need to see for you to realize what this person is like? This guy is threatening to kill you and your family and you're still wondering if you should stay with him? Are you nuts?

All the praying in the world isn't going to fix this problem. Your husband has underlying issues that need to be dealt with. Only therapy is going to fix this guy and staying away from his mother. We both know this will not happen.

GET THE (deleted) OUT!!!
Godhelp
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Re: need advice

Post by Godhelp »

Dear G.Kaur,
My sister is in the same situation as yours in Canada.Both r doctors by profession & well settled with 2 daughters.It has been 10 years of marriage.My sister is a real saint, I worship her more than I love her.She has been suffering,she studied very hard, raised her kids while facing the abuse of her husband, mother in law & 4 sisters in law.Her husband is a pupet & a bank for his mother & sisters.But now they live separately from his family & even now his mother does not stops brainwashing her son.My sister is now doing very well & made her goal to raise her kids the best way she can, she has formal relations with her husband but atleast they r living as a family.Her Mother in law is so evil she brainwashes my sisters kids against my sister.Her husband has not changed.The fact is men like these do not change, it depends on u how much u can tolerate & mold yourself without expecting your husband to change.
Good luck
ImperfectSikh
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Re: need advice

Post by ImperfectSikh »

g kaur wrote:Respected elders and friends,
I am thinking of ending my marriage and i need sincere advice as to weather this will be a right decision.I am a gursikh girl born and brought up in a gursikh very well educated professional family in punjab. I had an arranged marriage 5 years ago . My husband belongs to a gursikh family too. His family is in India. But he was a canadian citizen at the time of marriage.I came to canada about 10 months after our marriage. The problem with our relationship is that my husband is too much under the influence of his mother. He does everything she tells him to do. Ever since we got married we have been fighting.He is very verbally abusive towards my parents and my family and we have even had quiet a few physical fights .He is like that everytime there is a festival or any occasion as my mother in law keeps telling him things like what my parents did wrong ,like not respecting her enough or if the gifts she was supposed to be given by my family are not good enough for her etc etc. When I moved to canada I got admission here at a university and will be finishing my degree soon.For the past 2 years we have been living separately because my school is in a different city .Everytime we meet its like the same old things again....If I go to India there is a problem as my mother in law wants me to stay with her for a longer time than with my parents.....its not that she loves me or anything but she knows that it will be difficult for me , so its just to create problems.....things like someone should come pick me up and drop me back at her house....as if i am a small child....I don't think she is very traditional as far as she herself is concerned but she where i come she has to create problems. I think all mil's are like that, but I guess husbands should be more supportive of their wives. She used to just take the phone and start telling my husband what all me and my parents did wrong that day all in front of me, and he instead of telling her to let go of useless things wouls start speaking badly of me and my parents himself...I am not saying that I am a perfect person and that I do everything right, I make mistakes too,but I think that as a husband he should take my side in front of his mom,and if he thinks I did something wrong he should talk to me privately. I have talked to my parents about his being verbally abusive but I have not told them about our physical fights. They say that I should not worry about them and improve my relationship with him.I know that my husband is a good man , but I think our views donot match on many subjects and he is very short tempered. He has set views about how a married woman should behave etc etc, basically have all the traditional indian values of a good bahu and forget about her parents, siblings etc.I think that I have been brought up to be very independent by my parents and most of our views donot match. He has no sense of privacy between a husband and wife.According to him as we are a family now,his mom should know everything that goes on,even the most private things. I have talked to him about divorce and he gets very verbally abusive and threatens to kill my parents anf siblings. His view is that he brought me to canada and in some months I will be well settled here after finishing my degree, and wants me to go back to india.
I am not sure how this marriage lasted as long as it did,cause I have never heard or seen anything like the way we fight.I am scared to leave because I donot want to make the wrong decision and end up alone forever. On some level I know that if his mom stopped creating problems we could do better and I am sure that she never will stop.Please help.
Regards,
G kaur
Sat Sri Akaal,

Self-styled (since he does not apparently respect you) Gursikh or not, if a sister of mine was married to such a person, I would strongly urge her to divorce him.

Maybe that will rearrange his thinking into joining the 21st century, but I doubt it.
sikh_ms
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Re: need advice

Post by sikh_ms »

Sat Sri Akaal

It is very sad to read the happenings in your family. It is not only with you but with most of the women these days. Sad part is that it is happening in Sikhs who are taught by Gurus to give women more respect than themselves. Physical violence is never acceptable. I am sure your view of both of you being Gursikh seems to be wrong. Why did you accept the physical fight at the fist instance. It should have been objected to with a warning that it would not be tolerated at all.
Further you and your husband both are educated and I wouldn't say that your marriage is not compatible. It could have been still there, had you got married to someone else. The affairs show that your are educated with today's wordily degree but not the humanity and real sikhs' philosophy, as there are no persons in our religion to teach you real philosophy and art of living based on Guru's teaching.
Also, divorce is not the solution as it will leave you in very bad time and give more pain to your parents. As they would always wish to settle you again somewhere else but without any guarantee to have peaceful and prosperous life. So you can choose the following:

Like getting job after completing you degree and it might turn your life again as suggested in one of the above replies.

Approach Prof Darshan Singh who lives in Canada to get some advise based on Guru sahib teachings, if he gives you time. I hope if your husband is educated and a sikh, he should mind to take this problem to Prof Sahib.If he refuses to go then you can go to him. I am sure that you would get the perfect solution.
Don't be afraid of his threats of any kind.
Join Guru Granth Sahib Web Academy from Khalsanews.org and listen to Gurbani explained and sung in the fantastic way. You would get the perfect solutions from there itself. Must Try. It will change your life. Start with Sukhmani Sahib classes.


Pray Waheguru that you life be settled without mediation of anyone but the best choice would be Prof Sahib if he accepts it so.

You can get his contact from Khalsanews.org,

Good luck

manjeet
g kaur
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Re: need advice

Post by g kaur »

Sat Sri Akal,
I had written here about a year back and had got some very useful advice. I am still married. I wanted to give this marriage a chance cause most people adviced me that things would change after we start living together again and I started working. Its been 6 months since we have been together.I can say things have gotten worse.I suggested anger mangement and marriage counscelling to my husband , he says that he doesnot want to go to a white counseller as they donot understand indian culture.I soo want to leave but, but I don't know what is holding me back.He has even shouted at my parents the last 2 times he was in india.They asked him what he wanted to do about the marriage and he is like he wants to call a family meeting with all relatives and tell them the faults of my parents and myself and then let them decide if he is wrong or not. My parents are against this. According to them our marriage is our business and no one else should be involved , at the most our parents if we need some advice.I have tried my best talking sense into him , he is ok for afew days but is back to square one v soon. The thing is as long as I donot say the things that he doesnot like he is fine.I am so scared when we go to india. He is at his worst behaviour towards me then. He goes out of his way to show to his family and mom that he doesnot care about me and disrespects my parents. This time when we were in India my mom was not well when we visited my parents.When we were back here and we had some fight he tells me how he was wishing that she would have died then cause then he wouldn't have to make another trip to india.Everyone advices me on how you should not tolerate abusive behaviour. Well I stop talking to him after every episode but its just fine with him.There have been times we have not talked for weeks and it doesnot bother him. He doenot even try to say sorry. I know now that I should leave him and that he will never change. I am all alone in this country with no support system. I need help with how I should go about this.
Thank you.
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kjsinghhyd
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Re: need advice

Post by kjsinghhyd »

As for the physical beating, let him know that you can involve the authorities if there is another instance of him hitting you. Once they are in, law will favor you no matter what they say. Also personally consult a lawyer and let him know what is going on, he will keep the matter confidential until you ask him to. But at least some third person (outside both families) will be involved.
--
ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ ਜੀ ਕਾ ਖ਼ਾਲਸਾ
ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ ਜੀ ਕੀ ਫ਼ਤਿਹ
Kanwaljit Singh

ਖ਼ਾਲਸਾ ਸੋਇ ਕਰੇ ਨਿਤ ਜੰਗ - Khalsa is the One who always battles the vices within
David Singh
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Re: need advice

Post by David Singh »

Dear G Kaur,

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

They say life is a mirror. Show nothing but kindness and love to him and his family, and I am sure that he will over time be forced to do the same.

Mothers have difficulty in letting go of their sons, and wives have difficulty in letting go of their families, and both can lead to conflicts. Sons need to take one step back from their mothers, and wives need to take one step back from their parents.

If you know he is a good man, stand by him. He will realise one day that you are a good wife.

Kind regards,

David Singh
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KamaljitSingh
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Re: need advice

Post by KamaljitSingh »

David Singh wrote
<<Dear G Kaur, Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh They say life is a mirror. Show nothing but kindness and love to him and his family, and I am sure that he will over time be forced to do the same. Mothers have difficulty in letting go of their sons, and wives have difficulty in letting go of their families, and both can lead to conflicts. Sons need to take one step back from their mothers, and wives need to take one step back from their parents. If you know he is a good man, stand by him. He will realise one day that you are a good wife. Kind regards, David Singh>>
Very well said David Singhji.
Satnam Waheguru
Satnam Waheguru

Sewa is a bit extra that we do for the fellow beings and we may call it 'Practical Simran'.
Gaganjeet
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Re: need advice

Post by Gaganjeet »

As per your first post i also thought of what David Singh wrote. Reading your second post, i would ask you to take a brave step and break the marriage. He will never change i think as per the behaviour yu mentioned- thinking of mother in law being dead, not talking for weeks, involving all relatives, etc, etc. Had it been my sister i would have myself pickerd her up from there and brought her to my home to live. How long will you keep dying stressed out. You will complete your study you said, that is a good thin to make you independent. i would say breakoff and spend time earning your livelihood by good means, do seva and simran. many may question how will you spend your life alone. I have a cousing highly educated, unmarried (her choice), age of 41. She spend time teaching kids who are deprived of education etc. She takes Yoga classes. Before she was with an NGO now she has left that job and finds peace in doing seva. The family supports her and she has no restrictions. Now she is away 1500 miles in Punjab since the last 3 months helping in establishing a Gurudwara in a village. I just wrote this to let you know that you can be indipendent and happy. I am sorry to say, Your inlaws are not Gursikhs.
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