Child out of wedlock - Advice needed

[My Baby]

I am an Australian woman who was in a two year relationship with a Punjabi man in Australia. Earlier this year his family forced him into an arranged marriage. He kept promising me that he would leave his wife and stay with me. I tried to stop our relationship but he threatened to kill himself if I left him. I am now pregnant with his child, an unplanned pregnancy. As soon as he found that I was pregnant he said he would not leave his wife and said I had to have an abortion or he would kill himself. I do not believe in abortion, I have always been pro-life and he has always known my view on this.

I feel that he should take some responsibility for what has happened. I believe he should be honest with his wife and tell her about his child. I do not expect him to leave his wife, or want her to leave him, but I believe in honest and truth. I also think he should help somewhat financially to bring up our child (I believe legally he is required to?). He says if I tell anyone that he is the father, especially his family that he will be killed and that they will kill my baby. Is he pulling my leg and just giving me another threat? Or is what he is saying true... that if his family finds out that he is the father of my child that he will be killed? A part of me feels that he is just threatening me again and is trying to protect his reputation. Please give me a sikh perspective. Thank you.

[nkaur]

My sympathies go out to you. I am usually hesitant in giving anyone advice on anything, but since I have some experience with suicide attempts in my family, I will give you my perspective.

I live in Canada, so I don’t know if some of the laws that exist here, also exist in Australia.

First of all, how his family reacts is not your problem. He should have thought about the consequences before he got involved in a relationship that he knew he would want to keep secret. Also, telling his wife of his family is not your responsibility. He should be man enough to do it himself, but if he doesn’t, truth has a way of coming out eventually.

Secondly, my advice would be to meet with a lawyer and discuss your options. Legally, he is responsible to give financial assistance. Through what you have told us about his nature, I wouldn’t contact him personally. Contact should be made through lawyers, and in possibly in court appearances.

Finally, this person is threatening you, and will always continue to hold this threat over your head. Here in Canada, should you fear for safety of yourself or your baby, the police can be called into this matter and a restraining order against him or his family can be arranged. Now I know this might sound extreme and might seem like it is escalating the situation, but your safety and that of your baby’s is the most important thing. Contacting him, his family or his wife is not a good thing to do.

The best thing to do is move on with your life. In my experience, Punjabi/Sikh men know that they are going to get an arranged marriage and hide this from their non-Sikh girlfriends. After marriage they might keep there girlfriends as mistresses on the side, which is not fair for both the girlfriend or wife. Also in my experience the man’s family usually knows about the affair, but in order to protect their reputation or honor in front of others, they hide and deny that there is a problem. And also in 99% of the cases, the man never leaves his wife from the arranged marriage, the girlfriend is usually blamed for all of the problems (not the man), and financial assistance to the child is usually not given.

In regarding the suicide attempts… I have an uncle, who uses suicide threats to control my aunt. I wish my aunt had enough courage to stand up for herself and for her children and quit taking the abuse. Ever since she was married and until she dies (pretty much for her entire life) she has been too scared of her husband and has made really bad decisions that have ruined the life of her children. Here is Canada we are given so many legal options to protect ourselves, we just need the courage to say “Enough is enough”. Whether the person goes through the suicide attempt or not is not our problem. As women, we need to make good decisions for ourselves and for our children.
This advice is given with good intentions and is based on my personal experience and that of other Sikh Women. Hope this helps and good luck.

[AM]

Dear My Baby,
Your name says a lot about how you think. Right now the concern is the child. This particular Sikh man sounds like a right mongrel.
Australian law provides protections and its probably best to see your local legal aid or solicitor or even a shelter for some advise.
As for his family and what might happen...tough sh.t as they say...his bed he can lie in it. He clearly doesn't seem like much of a man to include another woman, his new wife into his messy life and continue to drag you on to.
You my dear need to change your perspective now. NOTHING is as important as this baby. Whether this mongrel pays or not is irrelevant. If you can do without it even better, only forthe sake of your child. Imagine that child having to deal with Family Court in Australia....its a mess in there and goodness knows he might still come to you for visitation rights or even split custody as is the norm here in Australia.
Why subject your child to this mess.
Build a beautiful and peaceful life with your child, when you are ready, explain to your child as best you can and then continue showering that child with your love and support.
Don't try to second guess him or his intentions...right now they are the lowest priority.

[Guest]

Hi there

www.csa.org.au is the website for the Child Support Agency in Australia. Once your baby is born, if you contact them they will calculate and collect payments from this man for you on your behalf. You don't even have to discuss it with him if you don't want to. If you know where he works, you could give them his work address maybe so his family won't see his mail?

If you go to the website and look at the navigation panel on the left, the fourth button down is called 'Family separation' and has links to emotional support, family violence support and legal support. You could look there for someone to talk to if you want and get some spoken advice.

I agree with AM -- this bloke sounds like a right mongrel for treating you this way and emotionally blackmailing you. And now he doesn't want to face up to his responsibility, and worse yet hide behind threats. He's not worth your time and effort.

Ishna

[KamaljitSingh]

I may be wrong but the Punjabi guys are not serious when they are in relationship with a white girl.They think that western mindset is a bit free regarding sexual liason.Whereas I feel that there is a lot of difference between being a Punjabi and being a Gursikh,I would suggest you to put up a brave fight for your and your baby's rights.May God be on your side.

[PCJ2K]

I may be wrong but the Punjabi guys are not serious when they are in relationship with a white girl.They think that western mindset is a bit free regarding sexual liason.Whereas I feel that there is a lot of difference between being a Punjabi and being a Gursikh,I would suggest you to put up a brave fight for your and your baby's rights.May God be on your side.

You are absolutely right. Punjabi guys are among those who often think of a White woman as a sex object. They just want to play with her a little and then want to marry someone from India.

This of course is double standard for Punjabi guys because most of them still wouldn't marry someone who had had pre-marital relationship(s).

But as far as responsibility toward a child goes, once one has brought have a child into this world, that child is his or her top priority.

I don't care if he has to stay single all his life to take care of child. I don't care if he has to look bad in his family. He must take care of the child, no if no but....

[Manjit Singh]

First of all I sympathize with mother esepcially the child who is being brought into this World. Yes, what this guy did and is doing is wrong and it seems like this guy is too weak to face up to his problems and is trying to hide it because of social pressures. But I think the lady is equally responsible for her mistakes of being involved with a guy since she admits she knew he had been married. The situation has nothing to do with Punjab/Punjabiat/Sikhi. This guy easily could be from any culture/religion/region. I am sorry, but I do take offence to generalizations about Punjabis by many commenters. Yes, there are bad apples in every culture, religion and everyone makes mistakes in their lives. But to include the whole culture, region and here as part of this Sikh forum, is just plain wrong. In my personal experience, I know Punjabis who respect women(white, black, brown or whatever) and are married for a long time with kids, are honest, caring, loving, brave and stand up as men to various problems in life. It is easy to give advice/blame/criticize on the internet. My advice

"You play, you pay"

I don't agree with many advices and opinions given here, especially like below:

"In my experience, Punjabi/Sikh men know that they are going to get an arranged marriage and hide this from their non-Sikh girlfriends. After marriage they might keep there girlfriends as mistresses on the side, which is not fair for both the girlfriend or wife. Also in my experience the man’s family usually knows about the affair, but in order to protect their reputation or honor in front of others, they hide and deny that there is a problem. And also in 99% of the cases, the man never leaves his wife from the arranged marriage, the girlfriend is usually blamed for all of the problems (not the man), and financial assistance to the child is usually not given."

[My Baby]

I would like to thank you all for taking the time to respond to my call for help. The insights you have given me have confirmed some of my thoughts and given me a better grasp on the situation. I am now quite sure that he will not take his life and this was just another way of manipulating me. I don't believe it will make any difference if his family knows about our child or not, I'm sure they will not care either way. I really find it so difficult to believe that anyone could be so heartless, but unfortunately people like him do exist and sometimes only in hindsight do we see the truth. I am lucky I have good family support and will make sure this child know that it is precious and loved.

[babyfriend]

Hi MyBaby,

I am an American woman living in NY and have found myself in your same situation! I was in a 1 year relationship with a Sikh guy, who I loved very deeply. We shared such a nice deep connection and I thought he also loved me. During our relationship there were many warning signs which I should've paid attention to, but which I didn't want to see. After a couple of months of being together, he broke the bad news to me he was to have an arranged marriage. I was devastated and broke up with him, but then foolishly decided it was better to have him in my life as someone's husband, than not at all. A week later he told me he could not marry his fiance. He told me he loved me and had to marry someone as close to me as possible. He broke the engagement by telling the bride's family I was pregnant with his child and he now had to marry me. He asked me to corroborate the story which I said I would and he thanked me profusely and told me he owed me his life and would do anything for me. Little did I know his words were cheap and false.

Meanwhile we were having unprotected sex and we talked about having children and how our kids would look. Sometimes he would tell me "Let's make a baby as pretty as you" and we would not take any precaution as if we were husband and wife. I was confused about his actions and whether he wanted to impregnate me, but then everything became clear.

Months later I became pregnant. I had told him in the past I would not keep it if I did become pregnant, but now I had changed my mind. He begged me to get an abortion and told me I was ruining his life and that he would be disowned. He also told me he would kill himself and that I would perhaps never see him again. I felt very guilty I was about to "ruin" his life and contemplated abortion. Finally I decided to keep it because I had had reproductive problems in the past.

Now we are barely speaking and avoiding each other. The other day I spoke to him on the phone and he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby and that it was my kid. I was so sad and disillusioned that the man I had loved with all my heart, who had professed so much love and wonderful things to me, was saying this. My expectations were not unrealistic. I did not expect him to ever marry me but I did not expect to be treated in this manner and made to feel so rejected. Can anyone offer any advice?

[StoneCold316]

You're going to be wasting your time telling his wife, getting him to tell his wife etc etc. If you don't want to get rid of the baby, then your best bet now would be to go to court and get child maintenance payments from him. Get ready for court cases, DNA test etc etc. I understand that you do not believe in an abortion etc, but do you really want to ruin the rest of your life with a child form this man? I know it sounds cruel now, but think about the long term aspects. Raising a kid without a father is never a good thing. Do you think that by keeping the baby, then somehow he is going to come back to you?

Next time this guy goes on about killing himself, hand him a knife and tell him to do it now. What a spineless pathetic excuse of a man. Sad thing is, you're even worse than him by still chasing after him.