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Marriage falling apart due to Ideologies

Posted: Sat Aug 15, 2020 8:32 pm
by singh.vanco
Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk shit with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.