Trouble with Newlyweds

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru
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KiranSingh
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Trouble with Newlyweds

Post by KiranSingh »

Hello Sat Sangat Ji,

I am in grave situation. Having only been married for a short while (14-16months), my husband and i have been experiencing a very difficult time. Our marriage was a love marriage, but things just have not been right with us from the beginning. I know being married brings a lot of new challenges in the relationship, but things are to a point where we are both debating if this is the right thing for us or if we should get out.
I would still like to work things out but my husband has not been very responsive, and seems that he wants out. He is not able to communicate with me, every attempt that is made by me to talk to him turns up in a fight or an bad arguement. Its very confusing, i have felt since we have been married that he doesn't really feel the same way about me, and there is is little feeling on love or care.
I spent countless weeks at my parents place, hoping the space with give him perspective in what in wants and he will eventually call me. But there is no calls or contact from him. Each day that goes on i feel like we are growing further apart, and he continues to grow angry. I am not sure what he is angry about. i am not even in his space so not sure what is going on. He says that with every fight we have his feelings and love from me diminishes, and it makes me think what kind of love is that disappears so quickly.
I feel constantly from the very beginning that I am the only one that wants this marriage, and he isnt really interested. It frustrates me when i put myself out there emotionally and he never responds, it hurts and makes me angry. I am very upsetted by the whole situation and his lack of response.
Has anyone else out there felt this or gone through this, just looking for some hope.

thanks
K
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manvir singh khalsa
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Re: Trouble with Newlyweds

Post by manvir singh khalsa »

I am in grave situation. Having only been married for a short while (14-16months), my husband and i have been experiencing a very difficult time. Our marriage was a love marriage, but things just have not been right with us from the beginning. I know being married brings a lot of new challenges in the relationship, but things are to a point where we are both debating if this is the right thing for us or if we should get out.
I would still like to work things out but my husband has not been very responsive, and seems that he wants out. He is not able to communicate with me, every attempt that is made by me to talk to him turns up in a fight or an bad arguement. Its very confusing, i have felt since we have been married that he doesn't really feel the same way about me, and there is is little feeling on love or care.
I spent countless weeks at my parents place, hoping the space with give him perspective in what in wants and he will eventually call me. But there is no calls or contact from him. Each day that goes on i feel like we are growing further apart, and he continues to grow angry. I am not sure what he is angry about. i am not even in his space so not sure what is going on. He says that with every fight we have his feelings and love from me diminishes, and it makes me think what kind of love is that disappears so quickly.
I feel constantly from the very beginning that I am the only one that wants this marriage, and he isnt really interested. It frustrates me when i put myself out there emotionally and he never responds, it hurts and makes me angry. I am very upsetted by the whole situation and his lack of response.
Has anyone else out there felt this or gone through this, just looking for some hope.
Gurfateh,

Unfortunately, it is all too common for some to have troubles on the road of wedded bliss at some point. The question remains are the two parties willing to remain firm to the commitments that were initially made when they began this journey. What were the commitments, were they merely physical? emotional? Spiritual?
To what level are the two parties committed in the first instance, and to what level do they wish to take it forward?

if you wish to find a Spiritual Solution to the problem, then may I advise firstly that you do a search of the forum with the key term 'marriage', and examine other responses to other's problems (the proactive solutions). Also, there is much in other threads that explains the Spiritual concept of marriage, as well provides tools as to how one can make attempts to positively influence their own situation.

If you start here: viewforum.php?f=4 there are various threads with tips.

In order to truly solve the problem at hand, one should take proactive steps such as consulting a counselor, and reflecting and perhaps writing and then sharing ones thoughts with the other. Also, realise that this is not 'your' fault, or 'his' fault. Blaming will not lead to any realistic solution. Neither will negative thoughts of oneself. Reaffirm that you have innate qualities of patience, love, and caring. Use these qualities to create a suitable environment in which you can meet and speak with the peace and calm that will allow you two to share what needs to be shared. If this means taking an insult, remain calm and state 'okay, I understand your point of view, that makes me feel...'. It appears one must find common ground on which to get a firm footing, before sending off in any direction.

Regardless of the direction that you find, well wishes upon the journey...

Gurfateh
Be inspired, appreciate your life, and love others as you find divinity within them, Blessings.
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PCJ
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Re: Trouble with Newlyweds

Post by PCJ »

First disclaimer: Whatever I say may or may not apply to you...

There is saying in Punjabi: Jodhia'n jagg dhodhia'n narrar batheray meaning there are only a few perfect couples but there are a lot of odd couples...

I actually don't know where exactly the problem is but it seems like that he is isolated and you expect more from a relationship than he minding his own business and you minding your own business...

It could be that you are a trying a little too hard, e.g. trying to talk to him about the problems and then staying at your parents' home hoping that he would call...

Try living your life together not having too many expectations. Don't push him into something he is not interested in. Don't test him by going to your parents' home.

Obviously all people are different. Don't expect him to be just like you and not knowing the whole situation, it doesn't seem like he expects you to be like him.

Try living just a normal life. Do what you are supposed to do and let him do what he is supposed to do and then see with time, you will learn to understand each other. You change a little and he will change a little as well.

Many things is like change with our own attitude. If we keep repeating divorce, the whole environment will change and it will get you to a point where you won't have a choice but to divorce...

Be determined to have a good family and with time, things will change. You will learn how to change things for the better...
Religion is a rebellious son of mother spirituality and religious fanatics are the worst offenders (Patits).

Religious fanatics are allergic to their own medicine.
AM
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Re: Trouble with Newlyweds

Post by AM »

I might be way to late in replying to this but I'll give it a go anyway, just in case it helps in some small way.

You are describing a very common occurance in most marraiges. Especially love marraiges. The expectation is that well you both will just continue to get along, you picked each other right. So there couldn't possibly be any reason for disagreement or need for adjustment.
But like all marraiges regardless of what type, the disagreements and adjustments will happen. After all its not like you have lived with anyone before. Its not like your life has been so completely joined with another human being before. It doesn't come with an manual.
A good friend once said to me "if you make it through the first year and end up still together you are doing fantastic. If in that time you wanted to call it quits then honey you are just normal."
Truly anyone that says marraige is easy is just kidding themselves. I can adore and love my husband till the cows come home but that doesn't mean I like him all the time. This could be because of things he might have said or done or just cos I am stressed about something myself and take it out on him. Alll unfair scenarios but they happen.
The first thing I learnt to do with my husband was argue. We had to learn to get through the raised voices, the anger, frustration etc etc about whatever issue, thing, socks we were arguing about and come to some conclusion. Don't take it into the next day, it just makes it harder to resolve. I came to find out that I vent by raising my voice. I also came to find out that he turns off completely when he hears raised voices of any kind. So the understanding is that I will raise my voice but know he is not listening and he will sit there not listening while I raise my voice. :) Once I am done, we both sit and work through it all.
The next thing to learn is to be completely honest with each other. Don't keep things to yourself cos you think you might hurt the other. Learn ways of dialogue that don't attack the other but at the same time allows you to be completely honest about your feelings. My favourite is 'honey I don't like you right now but I know I still love you, I just really don't like you right now."
The fear with the first year is that everything will fall apart. That the decision you made might not have been sound. There is that thought in the back of your mind that you can still get out of this. What you have to do is keep telling yourself, no its not going to fall apart, yes you made the right decision cos you really do love him and want a future together, and no you have no escape clause so sit down and work it out.

Best of luck,
AM
sahniinderpalsingh
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Re: Trouble with Newlyweds

Post by sahniinderpalsingh »

madam,
There must be some cause misunderstanding between two of you.some of theissues may pertain to your private lives .I am adoctor also ,so i advise you if the later is the case seek a professional help in form of conselling also. Hope everything will be ok. This happens with most of us .Dont worry.

Thanx and be corageous.
GURpreetK1994
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Re: Trouble with Newlyweds

Post by GURpreetK1994 »

Here's the thing sister, stand your ground. If you got married in front of Guru Ji, don't give in so fast. In the laavans you promised Guru Ji that you would be by his side and him yours. Try talking with him, giving him extra space makes the problem bigger because you're not around to uderstand him. Look at things from his point of view. Don't just be a wife, be a friend.


Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa
Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

-Gurprreet Kaur
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