CAUGHT BETWEEN MY FAMILY AND MY WIFE...PLEASE HELP!

[aps.pnb]

I WAS MARRIED TWO AND A HALF YEARS BACK...NOW THE CONDITIONS HAVE EVOLVED TO A VERY BAD PHASE.
MY FAMILY AND MY WIFE CANNOT GET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER AND I AM CAUGHT BETWEEN THEM...

I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE AN OBEDIENT SON OF MY PARENTS..MY FATHER IS A TOUGH DAD. HE DID NOT TREAT HIS CHILDREN LIKE HIS FRIENDS..BUT I HAVE NEVER FELT THAT HE IS INIMICAL TO MY WELL BEING...HE ALWAYS THINKS ABOUT MY WELFARE, THAT'S WHAT I THINK ABOUT HIM, THOUGH HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING LIKE THAT.....HAVING SAID THAT, I ALSO KNOW THAT HE SOMETIMES GETS EXCESSIVELY ANGRY OR SHOWS NEGATIVE ATTITUDE, OFTEN NOT IN SYMPHONY WITH MODERN PRACTICAL APPROACH.

I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND MY MOTHER EXTREMELY CARING. SHE SUFFERED MINOR BRAIN HEMORRHAGE IN 1992 AND IS TAKING MEDICINES SINCE THEN..SHE SUFFERS FROM RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS AND FACES DIFFICULTY WHILE WALKING...AFTER MY MARRIAGE I HAVE OBSERVED THAT SHE TRIES TO SHOW HER AUTHORITY AS A MOTHER IN LAW, WHICH I NEVER THOUGHT WAS PRESENT IN HER PERSONALITY.....EVEN I FOUND SOME OF HER ACTIONS AS UNWARRANTED..

BUT I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT I AM DUTY BOUND TO TAKE CARE OF MY PARENTS AND I SHOULD NOT DO ANYTHING WHICH OFFENDS THEM..

MY WIFE WORKS AS A TEACHER. SHE BELONGS TO A VERY GOOD FAMILY..SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE APPLE OF THE EYES OF HER PARENTS....MY BROTHERS IN LAW ARE ARE VERY DECENT GUYS..MY FATHER IN LAW IS A GOOD INDIVIDUAL AT HEART...THOUGH I SOMEWHAT SUSPICIOUS ABOUT MY MOTHER IN LAW.

I WAS PREVIOUSLY WORKING AT CHANDIGARH, THOUGH I GOT A JOB AT MY HOME PLACE AND JOINED THERE AFTER MARRIAGE AND STARTED LIVING WITH MY PARENTS..MY WIFE ALSO GOT TRANSFERRED TO THE PLACE AFTER SIX MONTHS. I KNOW THAT THE BRIDE'S SIDE WHILE DECIDING ABOUT MARRIAGE, GAVE VERY STRONG WEIGHT AGE TO THE FACT THAT I WAS LIVING AT CHANDIGARH, I FEEL THAT THEY WERE NEVER COMFORTABLE WITH THEIR DAUGHTER LIVING WITH HER IN-LAWS...THEY FELT THAT SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND LIVING WITH HER IN LAWS, PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY DID NOT LIKE MY PARENTS EVEN BEFORE MARRIAGE DUE TO THEIR DIFFERENT RUSTIC ATTITUDES....THIS MARRIAGE WAS DUE TO ME AND MY STAY AT CHANDIGARH.

MY WIFE HAS NEVER LIKED MY PARENTS AND ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY WILL TREAT HER LIKE A SERVANT, THOUGH I HAVE NEVER FELT THAT THEY HAVE EVER THOUGHT OF TREATING HER AS A SERVANT..MY WIFE'S ATTITUDE TOWARDS MY PARENTS HAVE DETERIORATED VERY FAST AND NOW SHE IS NOT ON TALKING TERMS WITH THEM...SHE IS ALWAYS VERY CRITICAL OF MY MARRIED SISTER AND SAYS THAT SHE HAS ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE FUN OF MY WIFE....I DO NOT BELIEVE IN MY WIFE'S VERSION, THOUGH I THINK THAT MY SISTER IS OF A NATURE WHERE SHE THINKS THAT ONLY WHAT SHE DOES OR THINKS IS CORRECT....BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT NOT EVEN ONCE MY MOTHER OR MY SISTER HAS TRIED TO MODIFY MY BEHAVIOR TOWARDS MY WIFE OR TRIED TO SUPPRESS HER THROUGH ME...THOUGH MY WIFE ALWAYS THINKS ON THE SAME LINES...SHE IS ALWAYS CRITICAL ABOUT MY SISTER AND MOTHER....SHE IS CRITICAL OF MY FATHER FOR ANGRY OUTBURSTS ON THIS SITUATION...MY FAMILY THINKS THAT MY WIFE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SITUATION AND MY WIFE THINKS THAT MY FAMILY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SITUATION, AND I AM ACTING ON THEIR COMMANDS. SHE IS CRITICAL OF MY YOUNGER BROTHER BECAUSE HE TOO IS ANGRY TOWARDS HER APPROACH TOWARDS THE PARENTS...THOUGH I DISAPPROVE HIS REACTION TO THE SITUATION, WHEN HE TALKS IN AN ANGRY TONE, YET HE HAS NEVER DIRECTLY SAID ANYTHING TO MY WIFE

MY MARRIED LIFE HAS NOW REACHED A DEAD END..ITS VERY PAINFUL.....MY WIFE NEVER UNDERSTANDS ME....I TRY TO MAKE HER UNDERSTAND THAT I WILL BE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH HER, IF SHE ADJUSTS WELL WITH THE FAMILY...I TRY TO MAKE HER UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE GOT A DUTY TOWARDS MY PARENTS...THEY ARE WITH US IN THEIR OLD AGE...WE MUST HELP THEM....I AGREE THAT THEY HAVE SAID SOME THINGS WHICH MY WIFE DID NOT FACE AT HER HOME...BUT WHAT THEY DID WAS FOR THE FAMILY...THEY DID NOT HAVE ANY MONETARY INTEREST....EVEN IF THEY HAVE SAID SOMETHING WRONG, WE SHOULD NOT LIVE WITH OUR PAST EXPERIENCES, WE SHOULD TRY TO OVERCOME THEM AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.... BUT MY WIFE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND ME....I DESIRE TO DO SEVERAL THINGS FOR HER COMFORT...I DESIRE TO MAKE HER ALWAYS HAPPY....BUT I AM NOT IN A POSITION TO DO ANY THING WHEN I SEE MY PARENTS IN DISCOMFORT...EVEN THEN I TRY A LOT, BUT OUR RELATION IS NOT IMPROVING BECAUSE SHE SAYS SEVERAL BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY,

SHE HAS DIFFERENT YARDSTICKS AS REGARDS HER PARENTS AND BROTHERS AND MY TOWARDS MY PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO COMFORT HER PARENTS BUT WHEN I SEE MY OWN PARENTS IN DESPAIR, I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.
MY MOTHER WAS SUFFERING OF DENGUE...SHE NEVER CARED TO ASK ABOUT HER HEALTH BUT IS TOO CONCERNED WHEN SOMEBODY IS ILL WITHIN HER OWN HOUSE....
MY PARENTS WERE INITIALLY WRONG WHEN THEY TRIED TO MOLD MY WIFE ACCORDING TO THE FAMILY BUT NOW THEY JUST CARE THAT I SHOULD BE HAPPY.....THEY DO NOT SAY ANYTHING NOW TO MY WIFE.

I KNOW THAT THE ONLY SOLUTION NOW BEFORE ME IS TO LEAVE MY HOME AND LIVE IN A RENTED ACCOMMODATION WITH MY WIFE, BUT THAT IS TOO DIFFICULT FOR ME..MY WIFE IS NOT READY TO UNDERSTAND THIS PREDICAMENT...PLEASE HELP AND THAT TOO AT THE EARLIEST..

Moderator note: All UPPER CASE is not appropriate. Please use sentence case in the future. Thanks.

[loveforsikhi]

It’s unfortunate you are stuck in the middle of the situation. Let’s try to look at it from both sides. In defense of your wife, you have said your mother is being authoritative and some of her actions were unwarranted, your wife never expected to be living with her in-laws, you say you don’t believe your wife’s version of what she is experiencing so she probably feels isolated, they have said hurtful things to her (regardless of the intention). Even though you say you haven’t modified your behavior towards your wife due to your mother or sister, you have sided with them by not believing in your wife.

The other side of the situation: Your parents are getting adjusted to a new member of the family, and with health issues it’s probably a struggle. Their expectation of you is that you will live with them and take care of them, and that their daughter-in-law just has to get used to that. You love and respect your parents and consider them well-intentioned.

The reason your wife doesn’t understand you, is that she is outnumbered. Even you aren’t believing her or taking her side. You aren’t validating what she is feeling or experiencing, being stuck in an unexpected situation living with her in-laws and getting used to living in a new home which is functioning in a way she was not raised. Try to understand her perspective. Instead of having her see your side, try to see HER side. She is struggling greatly. Are there some patterns in the problems she is facing? Is there a way you can talk to your parents to address some of the things to make it more comfortable for her as she is new to the house? She needs to know that you are on her side and your parents need to know that she is important to you and deserves to be treated with respect. Give them examples of times that were unwarranted, and tell them that although you want to take care of them, you need to make this work by compromising on both sides. That’s the only way to open up communication with your wife so you can get her to try to adjust, but I’m sure she is trying her best to fit in already. You are saying that your wife has “different yardsticks” for her family. Well you do too! All she is seeing is you love them more than her.

Living in a rental is an option too. I know that’s hard for you but you can still care for your parents from there. Think about what I mentioned about supporting your wife though and maybe she will be comfortable enough to be able to stay.