Marriage

[Guest]

Hi im a sikh girl i got married and have a baby
I chose him my parents did not approve he is the same cSt but they did not like him n family. Then i was young and stupid now i hve realised mymistake and do not want to be withhim. He is abysive drinks n dosnt care no job no nothing i dont know what to do i hve been unhappy a couple months befor marriage but my oarent saud its behsti u hve to marry him now everything is planned. Please help advise

[IJJSingh]

Badfate,

On the thread "Sikh Women Hate Sikh Guys and Love only Hindu Guys?" you posted:

Can i just say in my opinion all the sikh guys i hve come across in my life seriousli every single one is discusting they drink smoke even the sardars i hve met they want u to company them withdrink do wrong and go. They go out and get drunk have no respect fir women. I hve stayed well away from them and my hysband i married is sikh but he is the same!! I have no wished i eaither die or was born in adiffrent cukture!

I am sorry that you are in a miserable marriage with an alcoholic and to make things worse you have a baby. Wishing that you were dead or born in a different culture will not solve this problem. You must look for the solution inside yourself.

ਫਰੀਦਾ ਮੈ ਜਾਨਿਆ ਦੁਖੁ ਮੁਝ ਕੂ ਦੁਖੁ ਸਬਾਇਐ ਜਗਿ ॥ Fareed, I thought that I was in trouble; the whole world is in trouble!
ਊਚੇ ਚੜਿ ਕੈ ਦੇਖਿਆ ਤਾਂ ਘਰਿ ਘਰਿ ਏਹਾ ਅਗਿ ॥When I climbed a high spot, I saw this fire in each and every home. (SGGS 1382)

Bad marriages and alcoholism is not just a problem in Punjabi/Sikh culture. I can tell you based on my own circle of friends and relatives that these problems inflict all cultures. I know two highly educated Sikh sisters (my distant relatives) who both chose to marry Hindus. Both of their husbands drink alcohol and beat them; one marriage has ended the other one is on the rocks. Last Christmas, I bailed out a Caucasian Christian with drinking problem from police custody because he was charged with domestic assault on his wife. Last year, a colleague of mine who is a Tamil Hindu was charged with assaulting his wife. I also personally know a Christian woman who drink and is making her husband and her family miserable. Anecdotes aside, compared to other countries alcohol consumption in India is very low. India ranks 120 in the WHO report in alcohol consumption with Belarus leading the charts with per capita consumption four times that of India. Looking at states and territories within India, alcohol consumption in Punjab (at 9.9Liter/year) is below the national average (11.4 liter/year). Highest alcohol consumption in India is in Andhara Pradesh at 34.6LIter/year, Punjab ranks tenth in India (source: India’s National Sample Survey Office 2011-12 consumption data).

So you see, taking birth in a different culture could have actually made your problems worse. A culture is a collection of individuals. The only place where a change can occur is at the individual level. So start with yourself, and be thankful of what God has granted you. Look for solutions to your issues inside yourself. You can choose to opt for a secular solution or a gurmat solution or a combination of both.

For a secular solution, I suggest that you and your spouse see a professional marriage counselor. In the end, if you determine that divorce is a better option, then exercise it. It would be much easier for you if you can become financially independent before you divorce.

In response to Sheikh Freed ji's lament above: "about every home being on fire", Guru Arjan Dev ji has provided the following solution:
ਮਹਲਾ ੫ ॥ The Fifth Mehl
ਫਰੀਦਾ ਭੂਮਿ ਰੰਗਾਵਲੀ ਮੰਝਿ ਵਿਸੂਲਾ ਬਾਗ ॥ Fareed, in the midst of this beautiful earth, there is a garden of thorns.
ਜੋ ਜਨ ਪੀਰਿ ਨਿਵਾਜਿਆ ਤਿੰਨ੍ਹ੍ਹਾ ਅੰਚ ਨ ਲਾਗ ॥Those humble beings who are blessed by their spiritual teacher, do not suffer even a scratch. (SGGS 1382)
To avoid the thorns or the fire burning in every human being we need to seek blessing of the Guru. This blessing entails reading gurbani and following gurmat. The Guru has told us that the universe is inside us. The control of this universe is given to our soul (which is God/Guru). We have to attain awareness that we are not body or mind, instead we are soul, and therefore we are the true master of our house and the universe. Problems begin when we fall sleep and follow our mind, and the mind becomes the master. Mind is an obedient servant but a horrible master. Once mind becomes the master, there is no end to misery. Trick is to remain alert and keep reminding our mind: ਹਰਿ ਨਾਲਿ ਰਹੁ ਤੂ ਮੰਨ ਮੇਰੇ ਦੂਖ ਸਭਿ ਵਿਸਾਰਣਾ ॥ Remain always with the Lord, O my mind, and all sufferings will be forgotten. (SGGS 917).

Through the awareness provided by the Guru, slowly our soul starts taking control away from our mind. In this journey, the way we perceive the universe, and whom we attract in our lives, and how we influence people around us all start changing for the better. So if we want the damaging fire to subside, we must: read gurbani, understand gurbani, follow gurbani, keep an eye on our mind and keep reminding it to stay with the Lord.

Waheguru ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru ji ki Fateh