Miserable in marriage
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Guest
Miserable in marriage
Dear Sadh Sangat Ji,
I decided to approach the online sangat to further help me clarify some issues, pertaining to my marriage. I will provide a brief background. I've been married for about three years, no children. The issue is mother-in-law's behavior and parent-child enmeshment (aka husband being a momma's boy), and lack of healthy boundaries. To further clarify mother-in-law's behavior, she utilizes passive aggressive means, such as planning activities with husband on Friday evenings and on most of the weekends, such that there is minimum time spent together between husband and myself; frequent calling to my husband when we are together; leaving angry messages if husband does not return the call back within a given time or if he does not call her at least 3-4 times/day; MIL treating me with a rude/disrespectful manner and trying to single me out during family get-togethers. Husband anxiously complies with all of her requests/demands, even at the expense of health of our relationship and does not acknowledge that her behavior is inappropriate. (there are so many other examples/issues, which I am going to spare for the sake of length of this post.) There has been conflict between him and I. He has also tried to utilize passive aggressive means such as withholding affection/intimacy as a resentment toward me. Our relationship has not been able to grow beyond a friendship.
The marital counseling, along with sit down meetings have been attempted; there is either lack of insight or lack of willingness from both herself and the husband to change the behaviors.
After utilizing all the means, I have turned to Waheguru to guide me further. I've been asking Waheguru to either give me the strength to leave this marriage or give them the insight into the issue, hoping husband may become more committed to our relationship.
It has been one of the most hurtful experience for me so far in my life; our marriage counsellor, along with one of the family members had advised to leave the relationship. However, I wanted to do "everything" to "save" the marriage, even though, I can support myself/live independentIy (with Waheguru's grace). I also have a strong faith in Waheguru that there may be a 'miracle' that these issues will be resolved, even though it is known that it is very difficult to repair deep-seated parent-child dysfunctional relationships. I have been taking Hukumnaamaa regulary and it's been assuring. However, underneath, I also feel 'it's little crazy' for me to believe that there can be miraculous repair of these issues...so my question to you Sadh Sangat ji , Am I being 'crazy' to have this much hope in Waheguru that miraculous repair may occur, given the severity of this relationship at this time? Any further advice? Thank you in advance for listening.
I decided to approach the online sangat to further help me clarify some issues, pertaining to my marriage. I will provide a brief background. I've been married for about three years, no children. The issue is mother-in-law's behavior and parent-child enmeshment (aka husband being a momma's boy), and lack of healthy boundaries. To further clarify mother-in-law's behavior, she utilizes passive aggressive means, such as planning activities with husband on Friday evenings and on most of the weekends, such that there is minimum time spent together between husband and myself; frequent calling to my husband when we are together; leaving angry messages if husband does not return the call back within a given time or if he does not call her at least 3-4 times/day; MIL treating me with a rude/disrespectful manner and trying to single me out during family get-togethers. Husband anxiously complies with all of her requests/demands, even at the expense of health of our relationship and does not acknowledge that her behavior is inappropriate. (there are so many other examples/issues, which I am going to spare for the sake of length of this post.) There has been conflict between him and I. He has also tried to utilize passive aggressive means such as withholding affection/intimacy as a resentment toward me. Our relationship has not been able to grow beyond a friendship.
The marital counseling, along with sit down meetings have been attempted; there is either lack of insight or lack of willingness from both herself and the husband to change the behaviors.
After utilizing all the means, I have turned to Waheguru to guide me further. I've been asking Waheguru to either give me the strength to leave this marriage or give them the insight into the issue, hoping husband may become more committed to our relationship.
It has been one of the most hurtful experience for me so far in my life; our marriage counsellor, along with one of the family members had advised to leave the relationship. However, I wanted to do "everything" to "save" the marriage, even though, I can support myself/live independentIy (with Waheguru's grace). I also have a strong faith in Waheguru that there may be a 'miracle' that these issues will be resolved, even though it is known that it is very difficult to repair deep-seated parent-child dysfunctional relationships. I have been taking Hukumnaamaa regulary and it's been assuring. However, underneath, I also feel 'it's little crazy' for me to believe that there can be miraculous repair of these issues...so my question to you Sadh Sangat ji , Am I being 'crazy' to have this much hope in Waheguru that miraculous repair may occur, given the severity of this relationship at this time? Any further advice? Thank you in advance for listening.
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swarn bains
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- Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 6:29 am
- Location: canada
Re: Miserable in marriage
it is a normal practice in our community. the mother in law today was daughter in law once and due to property limitations she was also treated the same way. she is trying to assert all that. it is a sad thing.she is not going to back off until her son stops listening to her. there are many in the same situation as u are. counselling is not going to work. if your husband is an intelligent man then it may work. tell him if he divorces her and brings another wife. it is going to be the same her also. mother has her place but wife has also a place is is ahead of the mother. he does not realize it till it is too late. there may be a divorce in works and then it will happen to the next one also. so tell him either get out of her grip or we go separate ways. there is no easy solution to it. He is destroying his life and your life as well. may be if there are children then he may learn something but the mother in law is going to command on the children also. no easy solution. all i can say good luck. i have seen many in this situation. mother in law is going to be the same till she is told her rights, she will never change.
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Guest
Re: Miserable in marriage
Dear Swarn Ji,
Thank you so much for your reply. I would like to add that my MIL managed to live far away from her in laws when she was the daughter in law and this happened 40-50 years ago in rural India. Therefore, she managed to get away from the so called "tradition/culture" when she was the daughter in law ; however, she insists on the same "tradition" , when she is the MIL now. So, living by the double standard and use "tradition/culture" to get your needs met?..how self-centered the society has become...a mother, who is put in highest ranks in most societies, does not hesitate to break her children's marriages to meet her selfish needs.
Thank you so much for your reply. I would like to add that my MIL managed to live far away from her in laws when she was the daughter in law and this happened 40-50 years ago in rural India. Therefore, she managed to get away from the so called "tradition/culture" when she was the daughter in law ; however, she insists on the same "tradition" , when she is the MIL now. So, living by the double standard and use "tradition/culture" to get your needs met?..how self-centered the society has become...a mother, who is put in highest ranks in most societies, does not hesitate to break her children's marriages to meet her selfish needs.
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suji singh
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- Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:01 pm
- Location: Texas, USA
Re: Miserable in marriage
I agree with Swarn 100%. He is on target.
I want to add that real problem lies in your husband. He must assert himself to claim his independence and build a future with you. If he is not strong enough to do so, you must move on. Waiting for miracles is perhaps a mirage at best.
Your husband may be afraid to lose his inheritance. This is often the case as far as I know. Move on if all else fails but do not invest too much time and youth in it.
I want to add that real problem lies in your husband. He must assert himself to claim his independence and build a future with you. If he is not strong enough to do so, you must move on. Waiting for miracles is perhaps a mirage at best.
Your husband may be afraid to lose his inheritance. This is often the case as far as I know. Move on if all else fails but do not invest too much time and youth in it.
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swarn bains
- Power User
- Posts: 613
- Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 6:29 am
- Location: canada
Re: Miserable in marriage
professor jee where do u live . my e mail [email protected]