What to do about my Sikh Woman?

[Happytears]

History: My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to three years now. She moved to canada at the age of 15 with her parents and I am white american. I am 25 years old and she 27 years old. I have dated a few women in my past but nothing is like the love I have for this woman. However there are problems as you can imagine. She has dated around four men in her lifetime with out the consent of her parents. Her parents insist that she has an arraigned marriage, and with her now being 27 they are pressuring her harder than ever. She has told her parents about me. Her father left canada and went to India for almost a year with out talking to her. Slowly he is beginning to talk to her again. Her mother was extremely upset but still had talked to her.

Where we stand now: I can tell the pressure of her parents is getting to her. We have talked about this many many times and discussed how her parents really dislike white people. Now this isn't very fair to me but I am after her and not her parents. My complete interest is her happiness. I have gone back to school and worked my ass off so that one day I can move to canada and be with her. I know in my heart this is the woman I want to spend my life with. We have met three times and the bond between is so incredible I can't use words to describe it. She has told me has been considering her parents wishes, and when I ask why, she tells me this. She said to marry me would be a dishonor to her family. That she owes it to her parents to get an arranged marriage. As I am not indian this is a very hard concept for me to wrap my head around. I'm not saying it is bad or good however when I have children I don't care who they end up with as long as they are happy. She has told me the idea of an arranged marriage makes her sick but I can tell she is so afraid of her father it's over powering her. I have offered to talk to him and introduce myself but she says he will refuse to talk to me. Her brother is very supportive of her choices in dating me. She has recently started going to the gurudwara for 40 days straight. She says she can't tell me what she prays for. She did however tell me this: Her last visit the sermon was about not crying over your lover for it insults his love. She said then an elder woman sitting in a corner motioned for her to come sit next to her. She asked if she was married, my gf said no. She then asked my gf is she was having relationship problems and my gf said yes. She said I know you are, you are far apart from each other. She then instructed my gf to put a peacock feather in her hair for 14 days straight, on the 14th day take it out and wash her hair then return it to the gurudwara.

Questions:
Any advice or perspective would be much appreciated. Also if you have take the time to read this but decide not reply i still appreciate it.

Is it in her best interest that I fight for her? I ask myself this all the time and know our love is strong but what will she be sacrificing to be with me? I also know shes always wanted an Indian wedding, and although I have no problem doing this, I don't know if her family would cooperate.

Does any know what the peacock ritual means? I have googled for hours reading article after article but to no avail.

I am trying my best to understand her ways and traditions while being respectful to them. I apologize if anything I said was insulting due to my lack of knowledge and wouldn't mind being corrected. Please any advice or insight would much appreciated. And again thank your for your time.

[Biriabc]

Dear Happytears

Where different traditions clash, often there are problems. As parents we all want the best for our children. However, in my opinion, to force someone to do something against their wishes "due to so called honour" smacks of egotism and pride both of which are condemned in Gurbani.

It says in SGGS

ਫਕੜ ਜਾਤੀ ਫਕੜੁ ਨਾਉ ॥
Pride in social status is empty; pride in personal glory is useless
ਸਭਨਾ ਜੀਆ ਇਕਾ ਛਾਉ ॥
The One Lord gives shade to all beings [i.e. He is the Support and Protector of all]
ਆਪਹੁ ਜੇ ਕੋ ਭਲਾ ਕਹਾਏ ॥
You may call yourself good
ਨਾਨਕ ਤਾ ਪਰੁ ਜਾਪੈ ਜਾ ਪਤਿ ਲੇਖੈ ਪਾਏ ॥੧॥
Nanak says, but this [goodness] will only be acknowledged when your honour is approved in God’s Account ||1||

It also says:

ਜਉ ਲਉ ਭਾਉ ਅਭਾਉ ਇਹੁ ਮਾਨੈ ਤਉ ਲਉ ਮਿਲਣੁ ਦੂਰਾਈ ॥ ਆਨ ਆਪਨਾ ਕਰਤ ਬੀਚਾਰਾ ਤਉ ਲਉ ਬੀਚੁ ਬਿਖਾਈ ॥੧॥
As long as this mortal believes in love and hate, it is difficult for him to meet the Lord, because as long as he discriminates between himself and others, he will distance himself from the Lord ||1|| [i.e. if an individual in his ego starts to judge and differentiate people, all of whom have been created by the Lord, then such a one will never be emancipated]

What this lady has said to your girlfriend about “putting a peacock feather in her hair for 14 days straight, on the 14th day take it out and wash her hair then return it to the Gurdwara” is pure nonsense. I have never heard about it and it looks like a ritual which is again condemned in Gurbani.

It says in SGGS:

ਆਚਾਰੀ ਨਹੀ ਜੀਤਿਆ ਜਾਇ ॥ ਪਾਠ ਪੜੈ ਨਹੀ ਕੀਮਤਿ ਪਾਇ ॥
Through ritual actions, God cannot be won over; and by reciting sacred scriptures, His value cannot be estimated

My suggestions are as follows:
1] Both of you need to sit down and discuss the situation dispassionately
2] If after this both of you have different views for whatever reasons, then you should let go of your feelings. Relationships in the long term will falter due to external pressures no matter what you both may feel at present
3] If you are both in agreement then together you need to confront the issues. Your girlfriend needs to be fully aware that she may have to let go of her family [possibly in the short term as her mother is still talking to her]

I wish that things turn out the best for you both

[suji singh]

Three years of dating is plenty of time. You should be able to talk to your gf head on by now. If you two are on the same page, then elope and marry. Her parents will eventually accept the marriage. Otherwise, move on.

I do not believe in the peacock ritual!