My Life in Ruins

[kandyman109]

I got married 4 years ago. I at that time was studying in USA with a stipend. It was an arranged marriage. My Father is retired and my mother is a home maker. I have one brother who we do not talk to much because of some family differences and in addition he is a very jealous person and was not very happy with my marriage and even threatened that he would come to my marriage and will spoil it. But he decided not to come. My brother got married against my parents wishes and so I was the only one from my family who attended his marriage. Later he visited us once after his son was born for 2 days and because of continuation of our differences with him there was not much communication with him and I have not spoken to him for the last 4 years.

When I got married there was no dowry involved and I did not take a single penny and since my wife was not done with her education, I supported her for the next 3 years to complete her education which costed about 50K dollars and a lot of effort to help her study as she did not do well on her first attempt in her exams. I took time out of my studies and helped her study and at the same time would do most of the household chores and even do cooking , grocery shopping , cleaning, help her in laundry, pay all the bills and do all paperwork and even do her applications and her paperwork.

Another aspect I will like to bring to light here is that she used to keep the house very dirty and never interacted with my parents very well from the beginning. I never felt loved by her and I always felt that she is very self centered. I shared good relationship with my in laws to the extent that they would prefer talking to me about important issues instead of taking to her.

We used to have off and on fights as there were times due to the stress of studies and at the same time helping her study and managing all household works and also managing the finances proved to be too much for me and I became very short tempered and would vent out on her on small issues.

For her education I sacrificed part of my education and moved to a remote place where she could get a position where I was doing the job. But some how It did not happen but I stood by her and continued to help her in every aspect of education. At the same time her frustration was growing due to career issues and she was going to be sitting at home for another year . So we decided to have a baby which we had a year ago. Two-three months before the delivery she was very disturbed because of not being able to start her career and I supported her by all means during that phase.

We still had fights with each mother mainly due to the fact that I like cleanliness and things organized but she was the other way . Also she was not helping me with managing any aspect of our life- whether it was paying bills or managing finances or other activities of house. I never had her full cooperation.

Her mother was here for the delivery of the baby and we once had a fight when she was here.Then one of her aunts was also here to help us once her mother left. Her aunt was amazing and she was taking care of all the household activities and at the same time was taking care of the baby also.
So I spoke with her aunt that why not instead of doing everything for her you teach her to be like you so that when you leave we both are happier than ever.

When her aunt was about to leave my mother arrived and things got worse as my mother being not in the best of her health was unable to do all what her aunt was able to do and there was not much help coming from my wife side. My wife never showed any respect for my mother when she came over here and the later on when my mother would ask her to help share the responsibility for the kid she started fighting with her and verbally abused her and this continued for couple of weeks and situation became worse with each passing day. Although she was not earning anything and was studying in the university at that time and doing some voluntary research she offered me money that she will buy tickets for my mother to go back to India. That infuriated me a lot, but since I wanted to maintain the relationship for my sons sake and also my mother was so frustrated with the situation that she decided to go back to INdia. There were times when she would threaten me and my mother that she would use law against us as law in USA is in favor of women.

I thought that situation would improve after my mother leaves but it never improved she continued to verbally say bad things about my parents and say things that would infuriate me. In return I also said bad things about her parents . I seeked there help in this matter many time but they never came to our help, i spoke with her 5-6 time but he never helped me.

My wife was raised by her maternal grandparents for the first 18 years of her life and so it was very hard for her to understand what a parents love is and her parents would listen to her because they felt guilty that they did not take care of her when she needed it most. Her aunt also played a very bad role as she continued to instigate her and make her beleive that she should not listen to me as she is an educated women and can earn the same amount as me and would soon be independent financially. Every household has fights but her aunt made it appear to her that it was abnormal and that I should not be treating her like that thought she was also treating me badly .

I continued to extend my support to her in her education both financially and emotionally. I took her to all her interviews by changing my work schedule. When she was away for her interviews i took care of the baby and also other household activities.
In first year of the babies life she just took baby on a strawler may be twice , she never went to any social occasions as she never had time and we never invited anybody to our house as she never had time.

She never bought any gifts for me , never bought any clothes for me and I never felt loved.

At the begining of this year she got a job at a place that is 6-7 hours by flight from where we live. We were happy about it. I found out from our common family friends that she has been going out into the indian community where we live and telling people that I and my mother has been torturing her and also physically abusing her.

I got infuriated over this as I tried my best to help her with everything inspite of how she treated my mother. Yes I agree that we had may fights on and off regarding my mother and sharing household responsibilities but I never stopped helping her in the hope that one day she will realize that this person loves me and wants to continue this relationship for the sake of our son and her.

Our relationship got even worse as I came to know that she used my friend to approach my brother and sister in law and of course they told her that they have been tortured the same way as she is being tortured , though my sister in law stayed at our house for only two day in last 9 years. They told her what she wanted to listen and this made our relationship even worse.

We also tried marriage counsellor to help resolve this issue but 3 months in vain.

Month of May it was my sons birthday and we had planned to go to India during this time to celebrate my sons birthday and also as we could not visit india for last 3 years because of her studies. I only has 4 weeks vacation. Given her volatile relationship with my parents , I suggested that she should not accompany me to my house as situation can get worse. So I would keep my son for 2 weeks and the she can have my son later for about 2 months as she is going to be there for 2-3 months. She started fighting with me and said that she would let me take him only for 10 days as I would be in INdia for only 20 days and also continued to insist that she would go with me to my parents house but for what I never understood . we continued to fight over that issue for 2 days and my vacation was getting less and less.

Later that day I found out that she received some money for her research that she did and she had opened up an account fon my sons name and did not even let me know and did not put my name in it also.

I got so infuriated and since we were not reaching any conclusion and she would not let me take my son with me so I decieded to go to India alone and told her that she can come by herself whenever she wishes.
She did not call me when she got back to India , neither she came to give me my son for 10 days , neither she called me when It was my Sons Bday and for the last 3 months I have not talked to my son or heard his voice.
His father called me once when I was in India and said he needs a favor from me and said that he wants me to call her daughter as my son is having hard time adjusting to the new environment.

I immedidately realized that now they are using my son as a bait to resolve the issue and I asked her father to come to our house so that we can talk and try to resolve the issues but he never came. For last 3 months they are using my son as a bait as they know that I love him .

When I came back to USA she called me once and later again called me one time to ask some question regarding filling her visa form but she talked very rudely and was to the point.

This is the story of my life in ruins. I feel bad because I did everything for her and even went out of ways to help her and in return she is doing all this. I know she is under influence of her family members but I dont know how to remove that.
I find some solace when I listen to gurbani and do paath but I dont have that strong guiding force of Gurmat to show me the way.

I am seeking advice from people with Gurmat and knowledge of Guru Granth Sahib Ji to help me out. Please do help .

[Lee Douglas]

Forgive my harsh words Kandyman Ji,

It seems to me that this woman has never acted as a partner in a relationship, that you have a failed marriage and have attempted all that you can to salvage it. Divorce seems the best course of action. I'm confused though are you a residant in India or the USA at this time? You'll have to fight for custady of your son, but first you must get him back in your house.

I wish you luck, it seems hard time are indeed upon you.

[kandyman109]

I am a resident in USA and custody of my son would be difficult to get given the laws that favor the mother.[*]

[karakara]

Hello kandyman109,

I'm truly sorry to hear that you life is in such a state. You sound like the type of person who 'has it together', so to speak, and your life is only in ruins, as a result of your refusal to deal with your wife in a realistic and humane manner. I mean, from what you have described, your wife has been out of the marriage, psychologically, since the beginner, perhaps even before the marriage. She has never accepted you as her husband, and she probably has contempt for you as you seem to have supplicated and indulged her bad attitude and bad behavior with rewards. She is not a worthy wife, and although there are always two sides to every story, it seems that you need to get on with your life.

I would seek the advice of a good divorce attorney, and do not let your wife know that you are doing this. Get as much advice as possible about how to build a case against her. Yes, I believe that you need to look out not only for yourself, but for your child, if your wife is a bad as you say, she will always use your son against you. You need to get the upper hand, and then make a decisive move.

I'm sorry this sounds blunt and cruel. Do what you need to do to restore your own life from ruins, and save your son, and then move on.

my 2 cents, good luck man

[KamaljitSingh]

When we feel a thing to be cool and soothing and it turns out to be hot and torturing,we feel depressed.Now if we expect a thing to be hot and torturing we would not feel deceived.In Sukhmani Sahib Guruji says 'kal taatti thanda har nao'(age of kaliyug is hot and the name of God-har har-is cool and soothing).Your relationship is sick but not dead.I have done an Ardas for your relationship.May it revive,get cured and bloom.May the name of'har har'soak away all the pain from your wounded and bleeding heart.May the thorns of ego get pulled out of your hearts and the name-har har act as a balm and revive your family health.
Satnam Waheguru

[ImperfectSikh]

Sat Sri Akaal,

I hope that with prayer and willpower, you will find a way to deal with this.

This is one of the reasons I think that arranged marriages are so inappropriate. While the laws here are definitely slanted against men, the best way to guard yourself against a situation of this kind is to get to know your future wife extremely well before you sign up for marriage. If she is a slob, her living space will show it.

It is not foolproof, but it is a lot better than just depending on character testimonials from people who do not have to actually live with her.

I wish you all the strength you need for this sad situation.

[suji singh]

Kandyman 109 Ji ----

You tell a long sordid tale. As the cliche goes, truth is often stranger than fiction. Hoping this story of yours is a fiction or it is just a bad dream. Unfortunately not!

Guru Granth celebrates the glory of God by singing praises of God. The Bani imbues higher level values if you read with pure hart and understanding. Lower level minutia, the type you want advice about, is not discussed in Guru Granth.

Even though I am not a great scholar of Guru Granth or practician of Gurmat, here are a few comments anyway:

1. You are living in man made universe, a universe mostly created by you. Therefore, it is quite natural, a real solution should come from you since you are the master/creator of this universe. A solution will come as an epiphany or an eureka moment if you ponder and meditate within. Since this solution will be genuinely yours, you will be able to put this into action and live with the consequences.

2. If you decide on divorce route, you need to move on and create a life for yourself. Custody battle may resolve itself if you show indifference by suppressing your true emotions in the short run. She may give up the custody after a while anyway!

Good luck. Stay away from arranged marriages in the future.