Pregnant and don't know what to do

[Guest]

I am a 22 year old Sikh girl. I have been dating a guy who is also Sikh for almost 2 years now. He is 28. We plan to get married in about 2 years when I am ready. Our parents don't know about us yet though. My parents are against dating and he is also of a different caste which unfortunately they still follow. His parents would be ok with me, they wouldnt care about caste. Anyway, just a few days ago I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. He would work with me if I keep the baby but at the same time he is pushing me to get an abortion as soon as possible before it's too late. He wants me to do the medical abortion hoping it will be less painful for me and that can only be done for another 2 weeks or so. After that I would have to have a surgical abortion. He is fne with keeping the baby but he knows that it would be such a disgrace to my family for me to be pregnant before marriage and he doesn't want them to look bad. Society would talk so much behind my parents backs because of me and they don't deserve that. They have always done everything for me. On the other hand I don't believe in abortions. I know some people say that the soul enters after 120 days but I don't believe that. I believe that it's there right at conception. The baby is such an innocent being and I feel so bad for even thinking of abortion. It feels immoral to me. My baby even has a heartbeat by know and his/her body is very quickly developing already. I would love to keep my baby but society is so cruel. I don't know what to do. I feel that it is so wrong to abort the baby but at the same time I don't know how I would tell my parents. They are already so stressed out with so many other things. Any thoughts or peronal experiences anyone can share with me will be very helpful. Thanks.

[Sim101]

Pkaur Ji,
You are in a very serious problem and of course the time of practicing abstinence has passed so I will not lecture you on you should have been careful.

If you are so against abortion and already feel passionate towards your baby then you need to stop deliberating. You are well into your first trimester; it's high time that you tell your boyfriend to come ask your parents for your hand in marriage. You both need to talk to your parents, explain what happened and seek their blessings. I am certain your parents will be upset and as for the shame well that has already occurred. There is nothing more shameful for parents then to have their children conceive out of wedlock, but what is done is done now, you need to fix this ASAP.

From your post it does not seem that you are too inclined to have an abortion but if you do decide to go the abortion way, then you need to act fast. The longer you wait the more chances you have of seriously hurting yourself and causing pain to your unborn fetus. I am not sure where you are but in US most states prohibit women from having an abortion once the first trimester is over. There are very few doctors who will abort a fetus once the first trimester is over. Once your fetus hits the viability stage it will become really hard for you to seek abortion.

Therefore, do what you need to do now.

[KamaljitSingh]

When there is a mess up in the life one ought to speak the truth (satnam) to all the concerned.The sooner the better.In the mpdern times that should not take more than half an hour.Once truth(God)is on ones side the things would turn out for better.Hiding the truth(Satnam)would only complicate the matters.Delay in revealing the truth(Satnam)would make the problem tougher.A moment spent in Ardas (waheguru)before broadcasting the truth ought not to be a waste of time as that would help in gathering all the energy for the battle of life that lies ahead.
Satnam Waheguru.

[SatveerSingh]

Sat Sri Akal Pyaare SadhSang,

PKaur BhanJi, the question right now that is of most importance is that of the unborn child, apart from society/family/the overall situation (despite the fact that they are highly important in their own respect).

So focusing on the child, and this question ... It boils down to the type of life this child would live should it be born at this time (Remember, everything which happens ... happens for a reason, everything has a purpose, a deeper force is at work beyond you, me, society, the world, and even the universe itself). But as of now, only you know the situation you are in (with the family/financial/lifestyle ... etc) so based on that, and if you go through with talking to the parents, and yes it will not be easy at all, but only you and your boyfriend would be able to say with a certain degree of certainty what the outcome of it would be. Keeping this in mind, and the reverberations of this, only you and him may be able to see the life you can give this child, and the environment that he/she would be brought up in (that you two will provide). If you see this environment as too unstable for a child to grow up in, then the alternative should be discussed (abortion).

But as I see it, its not about society/family/beliefs/caste (despite the heavy weight they may carry). Its about a new beginning ... so the question is to you and your boyfriend, because it is ultimately you and him who will create this environment for the child. I don't know what it is like to have a child, but I have seen the innocence and pure being-ness of children, I am not married, but i've seen love, I am not a mother but i've felt the most beautiful indescribable motherly warmth ... And i know having a child can change a couple's life so much, not because the child reminds them of what they are, but the child, through it's pure innocence, reminds them of what they are not, and a beautiful deep liberation in itself unfolds. As caught up as we can be with life (and i know how it can be because i have lived at the point where I have lost everything) the truth is there is something deeper than belief itself, because (as KamalJit Ji was pointing to), the truth is infact that which does not require belief, rather realization/recognition ... this is because the truth is always here, it NEVER leaves us. So weather they say the soul enters the child at 5 days or 120 days, the fact is the very development of the fetus, as well as everything else in the universe, is all occuring in this truth, with the Absolute Grace of the Satguru.

In all I would advice (and I know you have already, but only you two can make this decision, or perhaps only you) that you and your boyfriend sit down and weigh the consequences (good and bad) of having the child now, to those of not having the child now ... But do not discuss it from a perspective of "What will they say/think about us?", but from the perspective of what you two can give this child, should you have the child now, that will uproot the constrained/limited saying of others. If there is one most beautiful and liberating thing i've learnt from life, its that if you are going to live life carrying the weight of other's beliefs/thinking/opinions/ideologies/doctrines ... then you will never live the life you were born to live, a life of Freedom. This is why the Guru Ji's called us Sikh's, a Sikh is not a student, for a teacher requires your belief in what they teach, a Sikh is not an apprentice, for even a master requires your Trust so that they may show you their wisdom, A Sikh is one who find the Truth within himself, for the Guru Ji does not require your belief/trust ... rather they set you free from all ideologies/conditioning/doctrines/beliefs ... so that the Truth unfolds within the self in the absence of these lies ... and the Satguru (which is everpresent) is realized forever.

I hope this will help you Pyaare BhainJi, Seek not abroad/outside/external for answers, but look within yourself, there you will find so much more than what you were looking for.

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

[AM]

There might be lots of what you should and shouldn't do going on in your own mind as well as what others expect of you. Add to that what you see as pain and stress you might cause to others.

There is one person to worry about right now. YOU. Yes baby is there but you are the concern. There are two scenarios I suggest you focus on.

1 - you abort the pregnancy. Question now is can you live with your decision. Are you likely to be ok after its done. Will your relationship suffer/ be stronger by it? Remembering you think you might/might not be ok but the opposite may be what happens.

2 - you keep the pregnancy. Question now is can you see yourself living life with this child and its father? Can you handle the reaction that might come from your parents? Remembering that you are really only assuming you know what your family's reaction will be. They might surprise you with their concern and support. (I am deliberately leaving out society issues because to me they are so irrelevant and society is never there to help when a family really needs it)

Its tough decision if you make it a tough one. Essentially its just you and this pregnancy now. You can either see it as you and the pregnancy or you can see it as you and the baby. Either way the decision is going to be yours and yours alone.
Take a deep breath and try this. 10,10,10. Its a coping technique some people use that might help.
How is your decision going to affect you in the next 10 minutes?
How is your decision going to affect you in the next 10 months?
How is your decision going to affect you in the next 10 years?

Best Wishes
AM

[sikh_13]

Dear Pkaur Ji,

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa - Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh !

A sikh must stand by his act!

If it was not lust - Now you and your partner need to stand by your act - please own up and accept your act --- don't make the poor baby your scapegoat !

Also Sikhism don't believe in caste - so don't bother about anyone other than HIM - The Guru !!!

May HE bless you !!!

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa - Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh !!!

[H]

Don't get an abortion. Any woman I ever met who had an abortion has never recovered from the guilt. The baby is alive, like you say. It should not have to suffer because of the shortcomings or beliefs (even if they are good beliefs) of others. What is done is done. Now you just have to take it from there and try to do the best thing possible. Think of the baby first--that is what a true mother does, and now you are a mother. Then think of what you can do for yourself and your boyfriend. Hopefully you can get married. The caste thing is one of the worst evils created by man. How can someone stand there and say someone else is less than they are? We all came from dirt and we will all end up as dirt. Don't forgetting. If you have to stand on your own two feet and depart from your family, then so be it. Chardi kala, and get on with a life in which you are true to God, your child, yourself, and your man. Bless you.

[babyfriend]

You should follow your heart. Think of your baby and keep it if you really want to. You are very young but may always feel guilty if you have an abortion. At 6 weeks noone should be able to see you are pregnant. If you choose to keep that between you and your boyfriend before the marriage it is up to you. Why is your boyfriend pushing you to have abortion if he has the full intention of marrying you? That troubles me.
I am in a similiar situation except I am American, almost 6 months pregnant, not Sikh and my boyfriend has no intention of marrying me. He begged me to get abortion because he told me once society, his family and his future wife (who he doesn't even know yet) gets to know, he will be ruined. He is trying to dump me nicely and rid himself of me so I don't cause too many problems for him. I am very devastated especially since he told me in past he loved me and would do anything for me. Words are cheap. Make your boyfriend show you the action behind his words. I am under the impression many guys watch too many movies, get carried away in rubbish talk and are not real men who take responsibility for their actions.

[Agnostic]

Just get an abortion. You are only 22, and you are clearly not ready.

You are supposed to be living life at this age, the baby will ruin that, and you will resent it.

Currently, the object in your womb is just a pile of cells. It cannot think or breathe or feel pain. Terminate it, and don't feel any bit as guilty as you would if you accidentally pulled a hair strand.

Move on, and wear a condom next time.

[karakara]

I am a 22 year old Sikh girl. I have been dating a guy who is also Sikh for almost 2 years now. He is 28. We plan to get married in about 2 years when I am ready. Our parents don't know about us yet though. My parents are against dating and he is also of a different caste which unfortunately they still follow. His parents would be ok with me, they wouldnt care about caste. Anyway, just a few days ago I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. He would work with me if I keep the baby but at the same time he is pushing me to get an abortion as soon as possible before it's too late. He wants me to do the medical abortion hoping it will be less painful for me and that can only be done for another 2 weeks or so. After that I would have to have a surgical abortion. He is fne with keeping the baby but he knows that it would be such a disgrace to my family for me to be pregnant before marriage and he doesn't want them to look bad. Society would talk so much behind my parents backs because of me and they don't deserve that. They have always done everything for me. On the other hand I don't believe in abortions. I know some people say that the soul enters after 120 days but I don't believe that. I believe that it's there right at conception. The baby is such an innocent being and I feel so bad for even thinking of abortion. It feels immoral to me. My baby even has a heartbeat by know and his/her body is very quickly developing already. I would love to keep my baby but society is so cruel. I don't know what to do. I feel that it is so wrong to abort the baby but at the same time I don't know how I would tell my parents. They are already so stressed out with so many other things. Any thoughts or peronal experiences anyone can share with me will be very helpful. Thanks.

I wonder, has anyone learned what 'Guest's ultimate choice was? I'm sorry that I missed her post back in April -- but I see that she was thoroughly and correctly counseled in the proper course of action by multiple forum members here and I congratulate their care for her and her unborn child. I hope that she chose LIFE.

I find it sad and predictable, but hardly surprising, that Agnostic felt the need to jump in late with a cynical, self-serving post which was too late to do Guest any good (or more accurately: harm) , but apparently was simply an opportunistic and gratuitous display of his contempt for real Sikh... and Human... values.

Just get an abortion. You are only 22, and you are clearly not ready.

You are supposed to be living life at this age, the baby will ruin that, and you will resent it.

Currently, the object in your womb is just a pile of cells. It cannot think or breathe or feel pain. Terminate it, and don't feel any bit as guilty as you would if you accidentally pulled a hair strand.

Move on, and wear a condom next time.

There is so much that can be read into this... cynical... and depressing opinion, and discerned about the world view and mentality of the utterer of such so-called advice that I don't know where to start. I just hope that nobody will listen to this sad [edited], and I see no reason why he would continue to post in this forum other than from a desire to damage Sikhs, or perhaps Agnostic was a Sikh who suffers from self-loathing. Regardless, I think that I can safely say that by any moral and objective standards which are consistent with the more enlightened teachings of any faith, such 'advice' is a sad commentary on the state of mind of the person who holds such views.