guidance needed to pull my life back together

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anonymous kaur
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guidance needed to pull my life back together

Post by anonymous kaur »

Dear sisters and brothers

waheguru ji ka khalsa
waheguru ji ki fatheh

I am an engineer in my early 30s and recently got divorced. My marriage was a love marriage yet things went haywire from very first day....yet i kept trying for almost 6 years to save my home. No intention of pestering anyone with my sob story but understandably it has been a stony road and thus seeking your help. I am no saint but I dont think I am a bad human either. I am not a person who would wake up at 4 to read prayers but i do try to help anyone i can and have a lot of faith in Waheguru. HE is helping me steer through.

I did some mistakes in my "past life" (post-marriage) which I want to correct and need help with.

1) I was a very career oriented person. By the grace of waheguru I was meritorious in school and did most of my education on scholarship. I graduated from an overseas university during peak recession and because of that it was very very hard for me to find a suitable job in my field. I kept workng at university on an extended project but it took me a while to find a real job in my field.
During the same period my ex's proposal came to my family and I was worried whether they would approve it. I would pray hard for both making my parents agree to the proposal happily and for my job. Foolishly I promised (mannats) waheguru a lot of things....that i will do some service, keep chiliyas etc etc if the desires of marriage and job get fulfilled.

Since I had marriage issues from essentially day 1, my mind almost forgot of fulfilling my promises. I eventualy did find a job too much before many of my friends. However despite loving my field to core I never truly enjoyed my work and never rose in any of my jobs. I am hard working, I know the concepts and respectful at work. But i felt something kept pulling me behind. The stress of my failing marriage ofcourse had its role to play too.

Long story short I was sitting alone yesterday and a thought crossed my mind that all of this happened due to my failed promises. Honestly I dont even remember what all I promised at that time...... I am quite ashamed even while typing all of this but truth has to be told.

I from being a person who would be happy, take all chalenges in life with a smile, excel at almost any assignment I took have reduced to a person with a failed family and career. I got a lay off from my job due to unstable economy and somewhere I feel I may never be able to go back to work. I am completely demotivated and depressed....but I must thank Waheguru for giving me a great family who have been a strong support at every step. I slowly but surely want to pull my life back together and correct my mistakes.

I need advice on how can I take care of my unfulfilled promises if I dont even remember what I committed. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Kindly guide, I really want to correct my mistakes

Please help. Appreciate your going through my post

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Re: guidance needed to pull my life back together

Post by JasbeerSingh »

Dear Sister,

Thanks a lot for sharing your story. First of all pls don't be so apologetic when you tell your story afterall you have come for help from your own people who share the same values and beliefs in Sikhi, the most sad part of our community (and for that sake i must say entire Humanity) is we have stopped sharing our pains and traumas with each other that people don't realize can help it reduce dramatically.

Losing a job and at the same time getting divorced, I agree is indeed a very hard time for you. But you must now think totally in positive direction sister. The time for regret and repentance is gone, what has happened has happened. Now, let me come to the doubt of yours where you think that it has occurred due to your neglect of not keeping chiliyas and promises to guru. Dear, don't reduce the stature of waheguruji as someone seeking your devotion through chiliyas or physical acts like going to Gurdwaras or worship places, hence don't blame yourself in this regard. Thing is how much you tried to remember God inside your heart, just rewind for a moment and see when he did all the work for you i.e. when you got Job and married did u thank waheguru deeply inside your heart??
Gurus write that even if you remember him for just a moment, even for a while, you will not come in between Death (so forget about pains).. But that yearning and remembrance should be sincere and full of love for almighty God. Maskeenji use to say, treat God as your true friend whom you go just for being for what he is not for any deal. If you go to any person for a deal, he cannot be your true friend.

Anyone can suggest you at this point of time to do this anushtaan or do 20 times paath and abstain from food at night etc. etc. to make your life smooth, but if you actually go the Guru's way you will find him suggesting that do such thing that completely erases the past memory and connect your divine self, that is possible through shabad and Gurbani which is the ultimate healer. If I can suggest you any bani that you can recite at this time which you will also find very soothing to your soul is "Shabad of patshaahi nauvi" (Guru teg Bahadur ji's Shabad). For example such lines of this very beautiful shabad..
Sukẖ mai baho sangī bẖaae ḏukẖ mai sang na koee. In good times, there are many companions around, but in bad times, there is no one at all. Kaho Nānak har bẖaj manā anṯ sahāī hoye.Says Nanak, vibrate, and meditate on the Lord; He shall be your only Help and Support in the end. SGGS Ang.1427

Last I can say just look inside the spiritual treasure-house of the World Sri Guru Granth Sahibji Maharaj you will get all answers of your life.. At this point of time, Just thank waheguruji for whatever you have (e.g your family, health etc.) and have full faith in waheguruji (that faith should be as solid as rock) and Be flexible and keep your options open for second marriage as well as Job, one disaster never means an end.. you can try to venture out travelling, get in touch with old friends whom you think can be of help at this point of time, learn the art which you feel you missed before that you once desperately wanted to learn, try chase your hobby too but with remembrance of Waheguruji in your heart all time. "Jiske sir upar tu swami so dukh kaisa Paave"

Hope this helps sister and Pls feel free to ask anything else if you feel like, never ever hesitate
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji ki Fateh
Nihal Singh Kanakpuria
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Re: guidance needed to pull my life back together

Post by Nihal Singh Kanakpuria »

SSA ji,

We humans have a tendency to humanise/trivalise god/creator , e.g. i didn't fulfill my promise so god is "angry" with me and i am being penalized. Traditionally some faiths propagate human emotions in gods. However that's not the case in Sikhi at all.

What you can do is read Mool Mantra understand what Mool Mantra says about Karta Purakh, About Karta Purakh being Nirbhau and "Nirvair" and then reason with your thoughts that you are incorrectly humanizing god, giving attributes like "krod" and in your mind creating a image of the creator who is a slave to own emotions.

These take time as you need to shed your old methods of thinking , however with practice you can and feel get better.

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Re: guidance needed to pull my life back together

Post by loveforsikhi »

Dear fellow Kaur
Thank you for your honesty, it takes a lot to share your story when you feel ashamed. I am sorry to hear about your situation. You will pull your life together. This is a time of great struggle but also a huge opportunity for growth and change in your life. I struggled with depression due to some stuff that happened in my life, and although it felt like it would never end and it was extremely painful, it did end and I got better, and I learned a lot which changed the way I live my life. Although my situation was different I can relate to your feelings of failure. Feeling bad about yourself is also a symptom of depression (a lot of people don’t know the symptoms of depression can include low mood, sleep trouble, low interest in usual activities, feeling guilty/worthless, being tired, trouble concentrating, appetite changes, changes in movement (more active or less active), suicidal thoughts). Personally in my depression I felt horrible about myself- I felt I had gone from a successful, high-achieving person to worthless and feeling totally insecure, unworthy, and not confident in myself. Once I got through my depression these feelings started to go away (although I did a lot of work through counseling). (Which brings me to the point that there’s always the option of medications and counseling for depression which I think not a lot of people do. I ended up not using meds but found a great counsellor).

I’m going to share a bit of what I have learned.
-take care of your body. in depression and other emotional pain, it is common for your body to suffer. Address sleep, eating, exercise, and do relaxation techniques like breathing techniques.
-Write down a list of all your good qualities. If you are having trouble thinking of who you are right now ask someone that knows you well, or write down who you were (the qualities you feel you had before you went through this). I used to read this list to myself in the morning or evening and it helped to build my confidence. I can already start your list for you “I am a warrior, I am smart, I am caring, I am hard-working, I am dedicated, I excel at my work…” Even if you don’t feel it right now, you still have those qualities you had before. You are just having a temporary hard time right now and you can’t see it. Our soul is pure no matter what. you are a good person and have nothing to be ashamed about. You are worthy of a good job (and relationship if you desire a new one).
-don’t rush yourself to fix this quickly. Doing so might result in a band-aid fix and not actually allow you to heal. You just had two major life events- a divorce and you got laid off. It is normal for you to need time to adjust.
-social support is important, you’ve identified your family as support
-Gurbani has great healing powers. An easy place to start is doing simran. It is through simran we achieve the purpose of this life and we can meet God. It can help us control the mind and stop our thoughts. “Simro Simar Simar Sukh Pavo, Kal Kalesh Tin Mahi Mitavo”= “mediate, meditate, mediate in remembrance of Him, and find peace. Worry and anguish shall be dispelled from your body.” I personally found simran to be important in my healing and learned a lot from on technique of saas-gras simran

Okay now to get to your questions about failed promises. From my (limited) knowledge and understanding from the kathas I have listened to, Waheguru does not bargain. God created maya. Maya is our thoughts, and all that is physical in this world. Maya includes kaam, krodh, lob, moh, hankaar (these are called tamogun thoughts), but also includes hopes, wishes, desires, anxieties, worries (these are called rajogun thoughts), and satogun thoughts (compassion, moral tolerance, contentment, etc.). Kaal is the governor of maya. When we pray to ask for material things in this world we are really praying to Kaal! (I used to pray for things like you too) Now I understand Waheguru is in charge of Naam. Kaal is in charge of maya. Kaal gives out everything based on past karma. The problems in your job and career did not happen due to your failed promises. The way to get rid of past karma, and to fulfill our life’s purpose is to meet God.So let go of worrying about all the failed promises and trying to remember them. Sant Maskeen Ji did a katha in which he said the only useful period of time is this second. You can't use the past, and you can't use the future, only this second you can choose to remember God. The way to meet God is explained in the Guru Granth Sahib Ji, which is why we do prayers- to learn the path. I have talked to many gurmukhs who have met God. They all said the first thing to start doing is to do simran. If you don't have time or the ability to read gurbani, do simran. When you start doing simran, it may be difficult- thoughts take us everywhere. It gets easier. When we do simran our life becomes easier and we realize the will of God above our own desires. The point is, you have not failed. I used to think exactly the same thing. I felt like I had failed in my life. I spent a great deal of time in anxiety, hopes, wishes, and desires. But after I learned all this and started doing simran, I realized that I had not failed. Why? You do not take your job with you when you die. You do not take your relationships with you either. The definition of success therefore needs to be changed. I realized that I needed to start prioritizing my relationship with Waheguru, and use my time to meet God. The only failure would be not spending any effort in trying to achieve my purpose of meeting God which I had done all my life before that! We do things in this world to survive- we need to work to make money, but we should let go of our attachments to outcomes that things need to be exactly as we want them to be. because things will be exactly as they should be. Maybe not how we want, but as per the will of God. Have faith that things will work out. Each day now when I spend time doing simran, I remember that I am working towards my real goal in life. When I do other things, I accept the outcome even if things don’t work out how I want because I know that’s how it was meant to be. I hope that helps.

Bhul chuk maaf
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