Self-Discipline or Just Uptight

There are many ways to live the short life given to us all; however, sometimes I get a little shaken up with the numerous paths leading to a single unknown. Throughout my life I have been a rather conservative and spiritual-minded person set on creating my own goals and expectations. I had a master plan of life way before I ever graduated elementary school, and I also embedded within my brain a moral code of conduct granted by the Guru Granth Sahib.

Everyone is primed by the environment they have been raised in, and my environment was pure and crystal clear unlike the walls outside my home. Life as a young child was black and white, right and wrong, and this way and not that way. Not despotic but clear and lucid; the rules existed and hypocrisy never seemed to exist so the rules were credible and worth living. Expectations were slowly created over the years, and the moral support became a firm foundation to grow in the “right” direction. 

I have never in my entire life drank a sip of alcohol, taken drugs, or any other form of intoxication. Truly without a doubt, I have never had a yearning for it. The reeking smell and the loss of control it brings forth repels me from the substance. All my friends drink alcohol to the point of passing out, and many of them indulge in the high of drugs but I never have questioned my own position until last night.

First and foremost, those who know me well enough know that I do not judge others based on their drinking, smoking, morals, or ethics. It is not my business to intervene in someone else’s life when they already know the consequences of their actions. I merely believe in controlling myself and not others. Although Sikhism is a small factor in my not preferring to intoxicate myself, the biggest reason is my own personal decision based on self-discipline. I believe that it becomes a quick fix to escape when bad times roll in. It is unhealthy. The body is not made nor prepared for over consumption. In addition, addiction and abuse always lie one more sip away from the previous. It is like opening Pandora’s box for me, and not an arrogant or holy superior position. Hence, I refrain from judging those who even experiment with illegal drugs for it is their own life and decision. Who knows it might help them to experience things that may have been impossible to achieve while sober. To me they are still human and fellow friends.

My friends back home never force me or make me feel awkward about not drinking, because they know it is not my element. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes. They respect my views. I rather call over a few friends and have a barbecue, talk by the fire-pit all night, watch a movie, do stupid things for fun, or just chill around until the morning. I am loud, obnoxious, and some may even call me pretty funny (maybe when they are drunk), but I do not have a hard time socializing with people. Now throw me into a loud party with blaring rap music and a haze of smoke, and I am lost. I feel as if I am in a different planet. I do not belong there and something in me feels out of place and uncomfortable.

In college especially in the Caribbean, the only way for many students to let go is drinking. I would say that is how ninety eight percent of college students escape the stress. After the alcohol has set in and everything is a big buzz its time to jump into a car and head off to a local club. Now at the club, the girls lose hold of everything that makes them classy and they begin grinding on anyone they can find. Now I may be years beyond my current age, but something about the whole scene does not interest me. These young students are just trying to have fun, but something about it does not make a whole lot of sense to me. Perhaps I am too uptight, conservative, insecure, narrow-minded, or misguided. Maybe I am not having as much fun as the other guys and girls because I place too much importance into my faith which may or may not even exist. Maybe my moral compass is pointing to radically in one direction. The question is not whether I am right or wrong, the question is whether I am inhibiting many of life’s experiences by being too black and white. Am I missing out on a fun life by being too traditional or “faithful”?

Life has given me a religion that I have fallen in love with, Sikhism, and a family that supports me to the core. I have been conditioned by a lifestyle where drugs and alcohol were never present nor looked upon favorably. My mother has never drank alcohol, and my father drinks occasionally for  social functions. Am I more conservative than my father, and if so why?

Not too many eighteen year-olds can say that they are more conservative than their fathers. I understand that every individual is born unique and no two people on Earth will ever share the same views in any spectrum. However, sometimes I question the importance I put in self-discipline for the fear of becoming too narrow-minded. I am not saying that a beer or a blunt is going to give my life purpose in any shape or form, but perhaps my view of who I am is based too strongly on the things which I do not agree with. In Sikhism, the Guru explains that living a disciplined life is as narrow as a double edged sword and many other faiths and spiritual practices remind man of this.

My friend Francis was telling me at the party last night about all of his adventures in life. He went to Amsterdam by himself and then toured Europe living in hostels along the way for six months. He has tried every possible drug in the textbook,  and funny enough he does not find the thrill in drinking. He is also a regular smoker of weed which he believes makes him see life in a very different perspective. He has also indulged in prostitution and every other possible cardinal sin that exists in almost any religion of the world. This guy was born in an extremely conservative home, and his father’s perfection and holiness led him to lead a life of the exact opposite discipline, none at all. He is a smart man when it comes to academics and he can articulate his thoughts very well, an overall intelligent person. Its when the fun stories are over and the laughs die down that someone else emerges. A lost soul with no direction or purpose. After he began seeking an escape outside of himself, is when a severe anxiety disorder perplexed him. He now suffers daily from ADHD, anxiety, and high blood pressure and he says that although the experiences shaped his perspective they did not give him an inner peace. He still continues to stumble down the path of no control for he finds it easier to let go then to structure and organize his life. It takes discipline, hard-work, and dedication to shape your life so many decide not to. 

Back to the party, I was standing outside when a girl from the suite below stopped me and asked if I was going to the local club after the party was over. She already knew my possible answer. She is one of the joggers that joins my roommate and I in the morning. I told her that clubbing was not my thing and that I would not be going. Little did I know that this was going to open up an even bigger barrage of intrusive questioning. She began asking me quizzically, so what do you do for fun? Seriously, what was she trying to prove. Her clever Caribbean smirk spoke a million words. Giving her a taste of her own medicine I swiftly said that maybe I will just walk my conservative butt back to my room and read a newspaper and sip some English tea. She began to laugh and then I turned the rude question on her, and I asked so what do you do for fun besides getting drunk and grinding on random guys at a club at night. What do classy girls do nowadays for fun? She looked like I caught her off guard and said well I don’t know, I study and ummm. I rested my case but she was not done. She had the guts to continue jabbing into my personal life in a sneaky manner, so how will you please your wife when you get married. You have to have fun in life, blah, blah, blah… otherwise, she will “boot your ass.” I was not about to show her a reaction or sell her my personal explanation. At that moment I was using the highest of constraints not to smack her square in the face. She had gone too far.

Well, God forbid I marry a woman who feels that grinding random men on a dance floor and escaping reality with intoxication is the formula to a successful marriage. Settling down with a woman that I have the utmost respect and love for is the ultimate pillar of a successful relationship. Listening to her, treating her like a queen, and being there for my family is the meaning of love. No vacation, dinner, or exotic venture will mend a marriage where communication does not exist. Love is the foundation and everything after that is natural as it unfolds. The woman I shall give my heart to will be the right one when the time comes. First I must learn to love myself for then can one truly love another. This girl was either too drunk to think or just too superficial to understand that a real marriage is founded on love, respect, and integrity and not the opposite. Fun is relative to emotion and it takes a million forms. 

If my thinking is too old fashioned and women like this just do not exist anymore than I just have bad luck. I would rather live alone than live with a woman who has no respect for herself. I would lie if I said I do not worry to some extent what the future holds in my life, but I will tell the truth by saying that I will accept it as His will. If I am blessed enough to have a family that thrives on love, I will. 

Overall I learned last night that judging or psychoanalyzing someone’s life is a plain waste of one’s time. She analyzed my life without even knowing who I am. She may think I am uptight or a bore, but that is her opinion and I respect it. Hence, there is something called chemistry but I still find it hard to understand why she was so preoccupied with my way of life. Whatever shall bring me peace I shall pursue, but I will not make the mistake of looking anywhere else other than within myself. The moment which is cherished to the fullest extent is enjoyed and savored, and the rest is relative. Getting drunk or high will only help me find more superficial people to surround myself with, and will be a great aid in losing my real Being in

Be true to yourself and the universe will align to be true to you. God is spirit and energy and those who allow His grace to exist reap the benefits of peace and ease. I love life. The frustration and anger prove that there is a deep yearning for more closure and the closure lies only with God, Waheguru. I will continue following the path which is narrow and at times lonely, but at least it is satisfying and filled with content and humility. I love all. Hate the sin and not the sinner as they say.  

(there may be many errors in this piece of writing but I just felt like letting go and I am now to lazy to edit. Hope you get the gist.)