What should I do ? End the relationship ?

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What should I do ? End the relationship ?

Postby kaur2018 » Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:33 pm

I am really confused about what my next step should be. I am hoping to find an answer here or at least gain some clarity.

I have been in a relationship with a guy since 5 years. Both of us are Sikh. The relationship started off ok, but we had always been in long distance because of studying. We would meet each other 3 or 4 months apart. In the beginning of the relationship he was serious about me, wanted to marry me, and made me meet his family and told me he has never done that with any other girl so i am special. I was 20 at that time. Everything moved fast from his end and I was happy that he is serious about me and he is not like other guys trying to hide relationship from his family.

However after 8 months of relationship I started feeling like I am just there and he dosen't really care if I'm in his life or not. I would try to talk to him about how I felt, but I never really got satisfaction. In the beginning he would listen but never really felt like it mattered to him. Over time this feeling of being unwanted got a lot and I started arguing, i started asking him to prove to me that he loves me with his actions. So he did do things he wouldn't normally do like come visit me where i studied, got my favourite chocolates, got me gifts and food for the semester. That gave me hope because his parents always told me he loves me but he cant express it. So i believed it because at this point I was in love and already made up my mind to be with him forever. I always tried to focus on the good things about him like he wants to be religious, he dosent drink, he is educated, he has never fought with me im the one who is always upset at him, and I thought everyone has flaws so I kept loving him.

Over time he kept telling me he is busy cant talk to me. I would try to understand but then it felt unfair that how can someone be this busy... so i would confront him about it and end up fighting with him. I would keep calling and texting million times and he would just ignore me. I would beg to talk he would tell me its my fault that he has to ignore me like this. I went thru this almost every week for 3 years. Until he left me saying i am not keeping him happy. After leaving me, I realized he has online dating apps for one year that he was with me. I couldn't get over why he left, i had so many questions unanswered. and I don't know why but i still loved him.

After one year of break up, he came back to me and told me he has been at the lowest point in his life and he realized that I was a good person and he wants to be with me. I was hesitant, but somehow still happy that yes i get him back. He ended up showing at my home and talked to my family and told them he is sorry for everything. This was the first time my family had met him in person. They said ok if you really came back with self reflection that is good. His family wanted to make things official and so did I. I always thought if things were official we would have worked out. So i made a quick decision and said yes to marriage and we got engaged. Before the engagement I made sure to talk things out with him and have ground rules. He agreed to everything. We got engaged 6 months later...

Before the engagement we had our fights. They were not as bad as they use to be, he would listen to me, care for me. He was completely different human. Nothing like how he use to be. So i didn't let the fights deter me from engaging him. One month after the engagement... he moved to new job , slowly stoped wanting to talk to me as much. I started telling him nicely and patiently that i'm feeling unwanted again. For 3 weeks he did nothing he said i'm busy ill talk to u about issues when i have time. He said until then we can talk about other things .. and I agreed. Then when he did have time, he just went on out with his friends instead of talking to me about the issues. Which lead me to get angry and I called him asking him to talk to me instead of going out. He said no , and cut the phone and started ignoring me. Its been 6 weeks since that he has not tried to fix anything. He messages with nice texts like : good morning i love u have a good day. He will call once in a day... and if i talk to him about other things he will talk to me happily. But if I talk about the issue, he will say he dosen't have time for this, it is never ending, and its my issue and i should fix it.

I don't know what to do. Because when everything is fine and there are no issues , he is very happy, loving and caring, he will spend a lot of time with me, he would talk to me and I can see the love and his desire to be with me. As soon as there is anything i am bothered by or any issue, it leads to huge fights. And i am usually left alone to deal with it, or i have to wait for days before he decides to discuss it. And i completely stop feeling the love. I can cry in front of him and be miserable in front of him he wont care, he will go do whatever he wants, instead of sitting there and talking about issues.

What should I do ?
When its good its perfect.
When its bad its like hell.
I keep wondering if i'm a wrong person? Like he talks to me just fine when things r good. Am i being unfair to him.
kaur2018
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Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2018 11:48 am

Re: What should I do ? End the relationship ?

Postby loveforsikhi » Sat Aug 25, 2018 5:42 pm

kaur2018 wrote:I am really confused about what my next step should be. I am hoping to find an answer here or at least gain some clarity.

I have been in a relationship with a guy since 5 years. Both of us are Sikh. The relationship started off ok, but we had always been in long distance because of studying. We would meet each other 3 or 4 months apart. In the beginning of the relationship he was serious about me, wanted to marry me, and made me meet his family and told me he has never done that with any other girl so i am special. I was 20 at that time. Everything moved fast from his end and I was happy that he is serious about me and he is not like other guys trying to hide relationship from his family.

However after 8 months of relationship I started feeling like I am just there and he dosen't really care if I'm in his life or not. I would try to talk to him about how I felt, but I never really got satisfaction. In the beginning he would listen but never really felt like it mattered to him. Over time this feeling of being unwanted got a lot and I started arguing, i started asking him to prove to me that he loves me with his actions. So he did do things he wouldn't normally do like come visit me where i studied, got my favourite chocolates, got me gifts and food for the semester. That gave me hope because his parents always told me he loves me but he cant express it. So i believed it because at this point I was in love and already made up my mind to be with him forever. I always tried to focus on the good things about him like he wants to be religious, he dosent drink, he is educated, he has never fought with me im the one who is always upset at him, and I thought everyone has flaws so I kept loving him.

Over time he kept telling me he is busy cant talk to me. I would try to understand but then it felt unfair that how can someone be this busy... so i would confront him about it and end up fighting with him. I would keep calling and texting million times and he would just ignore me. I would beg to talk he would tell me its my fault that he has to ignore me like this. I went thru this almost every week for 3 years. Until he left me saying i am not keeping him happy. After leaving me, I realized he has online dating apps for one year that he was with me. I couldn't get over why he left, i had so many questions unanswered. and I don't know why but i still loved him.

After one year of break up, he came back to me and told me he has been at the lowest point in his life and he realized that I was a good person and he wants to be with me. I was hesitant, but somehow still happy that yes i get him back. He ended up showing at my home and talked to my family and told them he is sorry for everything. This was the first time my family had met him in person. They said ok if you really came back with self reflection that is good. His family wanted to make things official and so did I. I always thought if things were official we would have worked out. So i made a quick decision and said yes to marriage and we got engaged. Before the engagement I made sure to talk things out with him and have ground rules. He agreed to everything. We got engaged 6 months later...

Before the engagement we had our fights. They were not as bad as they use to be, he would listen to me, care for me. He was completely different human. Nothing like how he use to be. So i didn't let the fights deter me from engaging him. One month after the engagement... he moved to new job , slowly stoped wanting to talk to me as much. I started telling him nicely and patiently that i'm feeling unwanted again. For 3 weeks he did nothing he said i'm busy ill talk to u about issues when i have time. He said until then we can talk about other things .. and I agreed. Then when he did have time, he just went on out with his friends instead of talking to me about the issues. Which lead me to get angry and I called him asking him to talk to me instead of going out. He said no , and cut the phone and started ignoring me. Its been 6 weeks since that he has not tried to fix anything. He messages with nice texts like : good morning i love u have a good day. He will call once in a day... and if i talk to him about other things he will talk to me happily. But if I talk about the issue, he will say he dosen't have time for this, it is never ending, and its my issue and i should fix it.

I don't know what to do. Because when everything is fine and there are no issues , he is very happy, loving and caring, he will spend a lot of time with me, he would talk to me and I can see the love and his desire to be with me. As soon as there is anything i am bothered by or any issue, it leads to huge fights. And i am usually left alone to deal with it, or i have to wait for days before he decides to discuss it. And i completely stop feeling the love. I can cry in front of him and be miserable in front of him he wont care, he will go do whatever he wants, instead of sitting there and talking about issues.

What should I do ?
When its good its perfect.
When its bad its like hell.
I keep wondering if i'm a wrong person? Like he talks to me just fine when things r good. Am i being unfair to him.


Dear Kaur,
You are not the one who is wrong here. I think, rather, you two are not right for each other. His behaviour is unacceptable towards you. I know you have invested a lot of time into this, but you have also learned a lot through it so do not consider it a loss. You are still young and have lots of time to meet someone who is right for you. The indifference towards your sadness, your crying, your pain, is highly concerning. Any human being, especially someone who loves you, would not ignore you in a time like that. He isn’t able to express love in the ways you need, normally that can be learned. But he seems to lack empathy to put himself in your shoes. Where he invests his time is also revealing, choosing to spend it with friends. I do believe people are capable of change, but at the same time I still believe his behaviour after the engagement has changed. Your relationship should not be a hell, you deserve better. Actually, his behaviour sounds emotionally abusive- silent treatment, refusing to have a conversation, ignoring, indifference, withholding love, making you feel not good enough. He cheated on you by having those dating apps while you were together. In a real relationship if someone has a problem, both work on it. It shouldn’t be constantly him running and you trying to get him to deal with it. It needs to be addressed, and since he won’t, you need to walk away. This is not love. I know YOU love him, but he's not treating you right.

Love, a Fellow Kaur
loveforsikhi
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