So tired and lost

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So tired and lost

Postby Lost soul » Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:59 am

Hello everyone. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..

I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.

Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.

I am amritdhari and I feel I only am to please my family. I’ve been suppressing my feelings for so long that I think what is the point of living. I’ve contastly trying to please people and not thinking about myself.

My family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out. The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.

I will most likely remain miserable but I don't think I will be happy if I come out either. It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life. I don't see a solution at all.

Sometimes I just think it’s best if I just go away and put myself out of this situation but then I realise it would not fix anything.

Is there anyone else who has been in this situation or knows of something similar.

I feel there is no body I can really talk to.

Please help me

Anon
Lost soul
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Re: So tired and lost

Postby Kurasu » Sat Jun 30, 2018 11:53 am

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh.

I am transgender and gay. I have been told that because of this, I cannot be Amritdhari, but for me, this means only that I cannot dedicate myself to a human law and ritual. I am dedicated to Waheguru, and even if I am told I can never take Amrit, it does not change that fact.

If you will forgive my pasting:

ਜੈਸੀ ਧਰਤੀ ਊਪਰਿਮੇਘੁਲਾ ਬਰਸਤੁ ਹੈ ਕਿਆ ਧਰਤੀ ਮਧੇ ਪਾਣੀ ਨਾਹੀ ॥
(The clouds pour their rain down upon the earth, but isn't there water within the earth as well?)

ਜੈਸੇ ਧਰਤੀ ਮਧੇ ਪਾਣੀ ਪਰਗਾਸਿਆ ਬਿਨੁ ਪਗਾ ਵਰਸਤ ਫਿਰਾਹੀ ॥੧॥
(Water is contained within the earth; without feet, the clouds run around and let down their rain. ||1||)

ਬਾਬਾ ਤੂੰ ਐਸੇ ਭਰਮੁ ਚੁਕਾਹੀ ॥
(O Baba, get rid of your doubts like this.)

ਜੋ ਕਿਛੁ ਕਰਤੁ ਹੈ ਸੋਈ ਕੋਈ ਹੈ ਰੇ ਤੈਸੇ ਜਾਇ ਸਮਾਹੀ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
(As you act, so shall you become, and so you shall go and mingle. ||1||Pause||)

ਇਸਤਰੀ ਪੁਰਖ ਹੋਇ ਕੈ ਕਿਆ ਓਇ ਕਰਮ ਕਮਾਹੀ ॥
(As woman or man, what can anyone do?)

ਨਾਨਾ ਰੂਪ ਸਦਾ ਹਹਿ ਤੇਰੇ ਤੁਝ ਹੀ ਮਾਹਿ ਸਮਾਹੀ ॥੨॥
(The many and various forms are always Yours, O Lord; they shall merge again into You. ||2||)

ਇਤਨੇ ਜਨਮ ਭੂਲਿ ਪਰੇ ਸੇ ਜਾ ਪਾਇਆ ਤਾ ਭੂਲੇ ਨਾਹੀ ॥
(In countless incarnations, I went astray. Now that I have found You, I shall no longer wander.)

ਜਾ ਕਾ ਕਾਰਜੁ ਸੋਈ ਪਰੁ ਜਾਣੈ ਜੇ ਗੁਰ ਕੈ ਸਬਦਿ ਸਮਾਹੀ ॥੩॥
(It is His work; those who are absorbed in the Word of the Guru's Shabad come to know it well. ||3||)

ਤੇਰਾ ਸਬਦੁ ਤੂੰਹੈ ਹਹਿ ਆਪੇ ਭਰਮੁ ਕਹਾਹੀ ॥
(The Shabad is Yours; You are Yourself. Where is there any doubt?)

ਨਾਨਕ ਤਤੁ ਤਤ ਸਿਉ ਮਿਲਿਆ ਪੁਨਰਪਿ ਜਨਮਿ ਨ ਆਹੀ ॥੪॥੧॥੧੫॥੩੫॥
(O Nanak, one whose essence is merged with the Lord's essence does not have to enter the cycle of reincarnation again. ||4||1||15||35||)

You are as you are. You were created to be as you were created to be. It is a challenge and a struggle, but whatever you do, do not give up your belief in Waheguru. Neither path will be easy. There may be no path that is easy. However, there are those who will walk it with you. Seek those people. Find support, and understand that you are not alone.

I wish that I could say that I speak easily about this, since I'm in Canada and able to more easily say these things. However, there are many who feel the same way you do, all across the world. COnsider reading some of the thoughts on the Sarbat forum, if you are not there already:

http://sarbat.proboards.com/
Kurasu
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