jane29 wrote:Hi Im Jane 29.Im a Filipina a catholic. I fell inlove with a Sikh guy our relationship was almost 3years now and we had a daughter. My Family knows about but his family not at all . It really hurts me alot though i love him that much and I know he loves me too but he doesnt have a courage to tell his family about our relationship and importantly about us having a daughter. He said he cant do it beacuse his family is goin to get mad at him because he said he can have a relationship with a non sikh. Last week I found out that he was deciding to leave me and my daughter because he said he needs to go back to India with his family and might get married once his parents find a match for him. I was in the dark now each day I was afraid that he's goin to leave anytime soon. He doesnt even want to tell me when he is leaving. PLease i need some advice I dont know what to do. Can I just let him go and move on with our daughter or fight for our love? I was thinking If Im the one who's goin to tell his family about us but im afraid too he might get very angry with me and im so scared to lose him I love him so much.
Jane, I’m so sorry you are stuck in this situation. And your little girl. That’s the LEAST he can do. Okay so let’s look at your options:
#1
The first thing you can do is encourage him to tell his family. I’m sure you’ve tried this. (This is not mutually exclusive from the other options. Basically you can encourage him and then if he doesn’t follow through go and tell his family, etc.). Tell him that a Sikh is a person who is brave and courageous and does the right thing. That’s not abandoning your partner and child just because you are afraid of speaking the truth. Truthful living is Sikhism. I think you should tell him at least he owes it to your relationship to be honest enough to tell you when he is leaving to have a proper goodbye. So what if his family is going to get mad? That’s a temporary emotion and its in response to the truth. They will be mad he lied and didn’t tell them he has a daughter. But that’s their grandchild.
PROs: it doesn’t involve you having to tell his family. at least you are fighting for your relationship. If he follows through, his family knows about you and your daughter.
CONs: He probably won’t follow-through because of fear of his parents. He may get annoyed?
#2
Tell him he doesn’t have to tell his family about you, but he should stay in this relationship and shouldn’t leave you to go get married. (He can just tell them he isn’t interested in getting married).
PROs: he doesn’t have to tell his family everything
CONs: involves him telling his parents he isn’t going to india because he needs a reason why he isn’t going. His parents still don’t know about you or your daughter. Just delays things for a while
#3
Threaten to tell his family. Then if he doesn’t, tell them yourself.
PROs: at least you gave him a chance to do it himself first and you explicitly told him that (altho he has had a chance to tell them himself all this time and he didn’t do it); his parents know about you and your daughter so he can’t ignore reality and the truth; makes it harder for him to justify going to india and getting married because the reason for doing that is them not knowing; you are fighting for your relationship
His parents may then change their mind about him getting married in India and make him be responsible for his partner/child here. They may welcome you into their family. It depends on how open-minded they are. It may take them some time to adjust to the idea and then they do that. (Best case-scenario for this)
He may be relieved now that his secret it out and there’s nothing he can do about it.
CONS: His parents will very likely be angry (at him for not telling the truth) and it could be misdirected at you. They may tell him to have nothing to do with you anyways and go to get married in India regardless. (Note here. Even if his family is angry, and I probably would be if my son lied and didn’t tell me I have a grandchild, they now know the truth and they can’t ignore it. They said he can’t have a relationship with a non-sikh but he did. Period. Often times people change their mind when they find out its done, its over, its not about what’s an “Expectation” anymore, its about the reality. He wasn’t supposed to have a relationship with a non-sikh according to his family’s values, but he did. And they cant’ change that.)
He may be angry. (Note here. He may be angry at you for telling the truth. But it’s the reality. Then he theoretically should be with you. Because he has no excuses. His excuse for leaving you was that he didn’t tell his parents. Now – in this scenario- his parents know, he has no reason to leave you. Say he gets angry and says well now I don’t want anything to do with you because you told them and I’m going to india to get married. Well he is headed out there to do that right now! He is just using the excuse that he is angry at you. But in reality ,he is leaving you anyways so its not about you. I don’t know if it makes sense to you but him getting angry in response to your telling his parents doesn’t create any more problems for you than already exist. The worst case would be that he is angry and he leaves to get married in india. He is already leaving to get married.)
#4
Tell his family yourself without telling him you are going to do it. (of course the direct thing to do is go tell them. the sneaky thing to do is go drop off some pictures of him and you and your daughter in their mailbox at their house with possibly a letter explaining. Either way they know, but it depends on whether you are willing to have that conversation with them directly. And if u send a letter or pics u may never know what came of it or what happened. If you talk directly at least u see their response.)
PROs: his parents know about you and your daughter so he can’t ignore reality and the truth; makes it harder for him to justify going to india and getting married because the reason for doing that is them not knowing; you are fighting for your relationship
His parents may then change their mind about him getting married in India and make him be responsible for his partner/child here. They may welcome you into their family. It depends on how open-minded they are. It may take them some time to adjust to the idea and then they do that. (Best case-scenario for this)
He may be relieved now that his secret it out and there’s nothing he can do about it.
CONs:
His parents will very likely be angry (at him for not telling the truth) and it could be misdirected at you. They may tell him to have nothing to do with you anyways and go to get married in India regardless.
He will be angry at the ruined relationship with his parents.
#5
Let him go. Personally I would feel I would need to do as much as I possibly could to save my relationship, at least for your daughter’s sake but here are the pros and cons regardless.
PRO: you don’t have to do the work of convincing him or talking to his parents
CON: he leaves for sure.
I’m not judging any of these options, you have to make a decision for yourself and add pros and cons as you see fit. But I hope this gives you a starting point to realize the potential effects of what happens.