A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru

A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby thatohiogirl » Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:57 pm

Hi, everyone!

I am looking for some open minded and honest advice. I have searched through the threads here and you all seem to be a helpful lot! :D

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. He is 29 and I am 26. He was born and raised in California and I was born and raised in a small town in Ohio. I moved to California and met him a year later.
We are each others best friends. We have already decided that we will be together forever whether we marry or not as marriage isn't important to us. His parents are Sikh but we are both fringe Atheists.
For 2 and a half years he has kept me a secret from his parents. I've been fine with it: I don't have a relationship with my family in Ohio and I refuse to be the reason his parents could potentially disown him or give him daily grief.
Yesterday, his dad asked, in a round about way, who he was dating and he finally told them! His mom, from what I am told, was pretty hysterical and cried. . . a lot. His dad, however, was happy and open to discussion. He went so far as to suggest that I come over so he can teach me Punjabi and said that if we chose to get married that I could move in!

I am absolutely in love with him and really happy to hear that his dad is so supportive! I am a college educated business professional. Drug free, no kids, well mannered. Most importantly, I am open minded and ready to learn what I can about the Punjabi culture and what I can do to each tensions between the boyfriend and his mom. I want to send her flowers but can't decide if that's a good idea or not.

SO! My questions are:
1. How do I make friends with mom?
2. If I do get to go visit, what should I do/ avoid doing?
3. What are the main things to remember when meeting Punjabi parents?
4. Any and ALL info is appreciated!

Thank you in advance for your help!
~thatOhiogirl
thatohiogirl
New User
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby thatohiogirl » Tue Dec 29, 2009 5:05 pm

Hello, everyone!

I see that there have been more than 60 viewers of this post! I want to thank you for taking the time to view however, a reply would help the most. I have been told that this is the premiere place to gather unbiased and honest information and I am truly looking forward to reading the thoughts and suggestions of this community.

Thank you in advance for your help!!
~thatohiogirl
thatohiogirl
New User
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby jaspreet » Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:15 am

Hi Lady,

I am sure you must be going through a lot of mental turmoil and I would like to offer you some advise. I am around your age so I guess I can understand you more.

1. Just be yourself. This is a very important point. I would suggest you pay a casual visit to ur boyfriend's house and observe the attitude of your boyfriend and his parents. If your boyfriend's mother is very formal to you, try and speak to her over something and try to win her confidence. Mothers often get threatened by a new entry into their house because they feel that their son's love would diminish. So if you make her feel that you are more like a daughter to her, she will welcome you.

2. Be open and polite in your discussions. Not to mention that you should dress decently when you go to meet them. Do not expose any body part, particularly the legs. They should feel that you are a homely girl ready to adjust into their family.
I would suggest you take a box of chocolates or sweets with you when you go to visit them and it would be great if you hand it to your boyfriend's mother directly. That way she will feel very warm towards you.

3. Show your interest in Sikhism and your eagerness to adopt it. His parents would be more than happy to elaborate about Sikhism and its values if they find that they are really keen on it.

4. Do not haste. Do not base your decision to marry or not to marry based on only one visit. Pay several visits and analyse each one's behaviour towards you. You can elaborate about your experiences during visits and I could help you more.

Guess I made some sense in what I said. Please go ahead and wish you all the best.

Regards,
Jaspreet.
jaspreet
New User
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:14 am

Re: A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby KamaljitSingh » Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:27 am

First of all I would like to tell you that one falls in love at ones own risk.It would be a lesson in hypocrisy but I would tell you that before a bear hug touch the toes of your could be mother in law.Still better if you cover your head at that time.Stop cutting your hair from now onwards.Call her mummyji or the way your boy friend calls her.Learn how to say Sat siri Akal. Wish you all the best.
Satnam Waheguru

Sewa is a bit extra that we do for the fellow beings and we may call it 'Practical Simran'.
User avatar
KamaljitSingh
Power User
 
Posts: 540
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 8:23 am
Location: Jagraon

Re: A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby Jaspworld » Wed Dec 30, 2009 9:21 am

Hello there,

First of all you need to realize and accept that there are some stereotypes against white people and especially white girls. Now the fact that you and your boyfriend are atheist (I'm guessing he is clean shaved) doesn't really help this so much. If you were to ever get married it's likely that your kids won't accept Sikhism and this might be the reason why his mom cried. She sees you as a threat to the culture and religion this family has followed for so long.

My Suggestions: Don't send her flowers. Instead learn a about Sikhism and appreciate it. When talking to his mother, If you mention the sacrifices given by Guru Arjan Dev Ji and Guru Gobind Singh Ji and you show that you really appreciate their sacrifices for humanity (which is very easy to appreciate) it would hopefully have a better impression on them. But don't make it look like you're doing this just to impress them...

Drug free, no kids, well mannered.


This should further strengthen their trust for you and show them that they'll be lucky to have you in their family.

Sincerely,
Jaspreet Singh
Jaspworld
Active Forum User
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:38 pm
Location: Canada

Re: A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby Randeep Singh » Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:08 pm

THE BEST, MOST SINCERE, PRACTICAL AND WORKABLE ADVICE:
"""First of all you need to realize and accept that there are some stereotypes against white people and especially white girls. Now the fact that you and your boyfriend are atheist (I'm guessing he is clean shaved) doesn't really help this so much. If you were to ever get married it's likely that your kids won't accept Sikhism and this might be the reason why his mom cried. She sees you as a threat to the culture and religion this family has followed for so long.

My Suggestions: Don't send her flowers. Instead learn a about Sikhism and appreciate it. When talking to his mother, If you mention the sacrifices given by Guru Arjan Dev Ji and Guru Gobind Singh Ji and you show that you really appreciate their sacrifices for humanity (which is very easy to appreciate) it would hopefully have a better impression on them. But don't make it look like you're doing this just to impress them.
This should further strengthen their trust for you and show them that they'll be lucky to have you in their family."""
Randeep Singh
New User
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Sep 13, 2009 3:35 am
Location: INDIA

Re: A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby Bansalz2007 » Sun Jan 03, 2010 10:50 pm

A lot of people here have tried to give you suggestions so that you can be accepted and enter the life of the boys family. But, do not lose focus on your relationship with the boy and you want to live your life pleasing others? This is about a life time relationship and what you mentioned about the boys parents will disown the boy etc. This is a guilt ride for the boy, as he has not lived to the expectations and there are people who have percieved notion about other communities and religions. So, you can please them by doing things according to the laid down code of conduct, that will keep changing with time. It will be a challenge depending on the family culture and acceptance, and where you live. there will be some drama in the beginning, but, stay strong as a couple and you will be accepted.
I am not trying to discourage you, but, making you aware. And, i have friends and cousins who are married to white girls and very happy marriages. But, it does require extra effort for your relationship to survive and i expect that your BF explains very honestly and clearly what is it to live as a wife in another community. You BF has to be strong, as he has to do some work and obviously he waited 2 years before introducing to his family. For example, you have to learn punjabi. what about the boys family when they all sit down to talk in punjabi?
Bansalz2007
New User
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Jan 03, 2010 9:45 pm

Re: A white girl in love with a Punjabi boy

Postby Puneesh Chatrath » Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:13 am

no worry miss Punjabi's are open minded, but here is some fundamentals of nature if you want something you have to lose something, I have same situation. I knew it i am also in relation but i am too young for marry but i prefer to say he should need to change something and you should also because you both are from different culture language even many things which affecting it. sat sri akal
Puneesh Chatrath
New User
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:08 am


Return to Relationships

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests