Thoughts on a Cornish lady and a Sikh chap

[Guest]

I do not mean to cause offence or upset anyone by what I am about to say and I apologise now if anything I say may come across that way. I have some confusion in a situation I have recently been part of and I would really appreciate some help and advice as this is an area I and many others have little experience in when it comes to dating!
My situation:
Cornish lady living in Bristol. I have a law degree, an NVQ in business admin and a diamond grading diploma and still can't seem to follow my head not my heart!
His situation:
Born in Bristol, 34, lives with his parents who are very traditional and live by what I consider a beautiful culture and peaceful equal religion Sikhism.
He cuts his hair, eats meat, drinks, occasionally gambles and attends temple when he feels he needs to go.
I have never believed in love at first site but after date one (met on a standard dating site) I was smitten and head over heals. Nothing in my life has ever felt so easy and meant to be. Don't get me wrong I adore my life it is perfect and I laugh everyday. I am a very lucky person to have been born here and raised by a loving stable family who are my world.
It may seem unrealistic but I know he feels the same. The way we are with each other just can't be faked. It is beautiful.
He's religion and upbringing has resulted in such a peaceful human being, so kind, caring and selfless.
After eight months of being besotted with each other we have decided to end things on mutual ground. I know he did not want this and I know it is breaking both our hearts.
His family will never accept me and he was brought up knowing who he is and this behaviour is just not acceptable. I contributed to the ending as I wouldn't want him to have to go through the he trauma of devastating his family and eventually resenting me for it. I wouldn't want to cause that upset or "shame" on him and his family.
Although I said I understand as I didn't want to hurt his feelings I really truly don't.
How in 2016 is it better for a man of 34 years old to live in a city where "appropriate" woman are not numerous. If they have not forced an arranged marriage upon him and dating within his culture (even though many of his friends - part of the same community have not) where is he supposed to go in life? Surly happiness should be equal to the prolonging of this wonderful culture? I would embrace it, my children would be lucky to experience both cultures in my eyes even if it our different backgrounds and religions would mean there would be no wedding - we would have the happiest family.
Again I apologise for the naivety but have learnt so much about this style of life and I feel it's a shame I can't be a part of it because of where I was born.
Trying to argue the fight of fighting for love and giving up on love for cultural differences in 2016 in my head - before I end or prolong both our heartache
Many thanks for any advice given.

[loveforsikhi]

I’m sorry you are heartbroken.

I’m not really sure some of what you are asking, so I’ll try my best. Sorry if I don’t’ answer what you really mean.

If he really had an objection to it, or his family did and he knew that I don’t think he should have gotten into this relationship in the first place. How else would it have ended? Either he would have to be willing to face his family, or leave the relationship… I think he should have thought ahead. That’s not your fault.

Some families want a daughter in law who will be traditional. She will live with them, teach their children about the sikh religion and Punjabi language, etc. and they even do not deem Sikh girls in their own country appropriate but look for girls from India instead. Love is less important, other things are more important to them. It happens here in Canada and in the US too. I think that happens in other cutlures too. Parents think its just too hard to raise kids or have a family when there are two different cultures and religions at play. Ultimately its up to you two to decide though. If he’s okay with having a relationship with you obviously its about you two and if you can make it work… Maybe his parents will change their mind once he knows he is already in a relationship, but he knows them best. I guess its up to him, if he is willing to talk to his family about this or not and whether he would stand against them for you or not. It’s out of your hands. And if you aren’t willing to make him do that (and he’s not volunteering) then I guess its over and you just have to move on, as hard as that is.

I agree, its hard to fathom how we live in 2016 and are still dealing with issues of cultural differences and not wanting people to get married in a different culture, but there are real hardships in that, and our parents generation is a different one with different expectations. If they aren’t willing to look past that and be open-minded it makes it difficult. We either assert ourselves and walk away forcing them to accept us or leave us alone, or we agree to their demands which most people do because they are raised not to disobey their parents. Most sikh families still operate on the “family first”, individual needs later. Which works great in many ways but not in these types of situations.

[Guest]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

You've explained it in a way he always found difficult to say, often through tears.

It is what it is I suppose.

Take care X

[loveforsikhi]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

You've explained it in a way he always found difficult to say, often through tears.

It is what it is I suppose.

Take care X

No problem, I'm really sorry it didn't work out Louise89 :(

[Louise89]

So the "break up" period lasted 6 days.

The secrecy and lies have now gone on for a year

Together we are peaceful, laughing, happy.

Are his family in denial, is it possible as he truly believes they have no idea about me? In my head I think surly they must know he is with someone and surly they have guessed I'm not good enough as they would have been introduced by now?

Surly a parent knows when their child is with someone? At 27 my mum knows everything about my life but as I learn more everyday, yes we are different cultures. I see my parents as both my parents and my friends, I have an emotional connection with them and share all aspects of my life with them. Is it more common than not that sikh cultures live like this?

[loveforsikhi]

So the "break up" period lasted 6 days.

The secrecy and lies have now gone on for a year

Together we are peaceful, laughing, happy.

Are his family in denial, is it possible as he truly believes they have no idea about me? In my head I think surly they must know he is with someone and surly they have guessed I'm not good enough as they would have been introduced by now?

Surly a parent knows when their child is with someone? At 27 my mum knows everything about my life but as I learn more everyday, yes we are different cultures. I see my parents as both my parents and my friends, I have an emotional connection with them and share all aspects of my life with them. Is it more common than not that sikh cultures live like this?

Obviously the love between you two is strong. The secrecy and lies is a problem though.

His family could be totally oblivious to what’s going on in his life-Depends on how good he is at lying, whether they would ask or how involved they are in his life. But I find that unlikely. I don’t know if we can generalize to a culture, but I have to say my parents and those of my sikh friends are all quite involved (and sometimes interfere) in their kids’ lives. In which case I’d say it more likely denial. Maybe they think eventually he will move on from this relationship and they won’t have to deal with it considering that he hasn’t introduced you to them. Otherwise I think they would have said something by now and told him to break it off.

I think you are going to have to put some pressure on him. Lies and secrecy really isn’t good. He needs to tell his parents and they probably already have an idea he is seeing someone. I know you don’t want to do this to his family, but there’s no other way about it. How long can the lies go on? Lying to them is probably hurting a lot too.