Wife's previous boyfriends

[Knight]

SSA,

I am new here, so please be gentle.

I have been married for 17yrs. Wife and I are both from Sikh backgrounds.

I am struggling with 2 issues:

1. Past boyfriends / lovers of my wife. She is very defensive when I bring this topic up and feel that she is lying to me about it. I have no problems talking about my past gfs. I realise that some women are concerned about "rep" but my wife is a feminist. I also realise that Sikhs should concider men / women as equal. I feel that honesty will help in our marriage.

2. My wife has recently admitted that she had 2 muslim boyfriends before we got married. The first boy she fell in love with at uni, but that relationship ended due to the boy's poor health. Appreciate that we both had experiences before marriage but thing that gets me is why would she have dated muslim guys in the first place.

From a woman's perspective, do you feel is it right for the husband to talk about the past relationships? I feel it is okay to do this as it should strengthen the marriage through honesty. Otherwise we are basing a marriage on lies.

[swarn bains]

if she has put up with u for that long. then she is genuinly your wife. you are digging the past and the dead from the graves. which will hurt you and your wife. she should be defensive about it. so stop chasing her, otherwise the relation will get sour

[Knight]

"if she has put up with u for that long" - thanks for that very constructive. Bit harsh of a thing to say when you don't know how much I have put into the relationship. Makes me sound like I've done something wrong.

"she should be defensive about it" - why? Is that part of open and honesty in a relationship? Does that mean men should also hide things in a relationship?

Maybe it's down to diferences between men and women. Women will try to rationalize their past, whereas men tend to be more honest.

We have a daughter and a son. She does not want my daughter to date muslim boys. How can she honestly look my daughter in the face and say that.

[swarn bains]

more blunt. woman to a man is a thing he possesses in indian and muslim cultures. out side affair is accepted and a cerdit for men, but not for women. if a man has outside affair, it is also with a woman whom we are trying to put down. who chased who. ask this question to you and your flamboyant friends. she had a bad experience with a muslim, so she is warning ur daughter. she did not know that a woman for a man among muslims is just an object to use for their benefit. If she had an affair it is a sin but if u had an affair is a credit to your society. a woman is the mother of a man, but only till he grows up.
you seem to be living in wester society. in the west the affair before marriage is considered and innocence. but after marriage if they are faithful to each other, then there is nothing wrong. they do not remind like udo, and it hurts her. let us talk about french and italians. there is no hard feelings among them who goes with who.
finally it comes down to the society you are brought up in. It is a scoial custom of the society one lives in. it does not mean that one can blame the others after 17 years of marriage. does she also blame you about your affairs. no. women are shy buanch. give her the respect due to her and do not ask her the silly questions. you will have a better relations and a better life as well.

[suji singh]

Knight, you are digging up problems when there are none that you mentioned. Ask, how it will strengthen your marriage if you knew all the gory details about your wife's past? The fact you are willing to share your details does not make it mandatory for your wife to do the same. Your wife is not necessarily dishonest if she decides against sharing. Your making up rules in the name of Sikhi. Everyone makes mistakes, it is part of growth. The key question that you should ask whether she is a faithful wife now. If NOT, you have something to worry about.

Men are known to have mid-life crises. You can self diagnose it if this is the case. Accept the things you cannot change and look forward to bright future. Remember, "There is no Hindu and there is no Musalman."

[Knight]

Thanks for suji and swarn.

I am not blaming my wife for the past, only thinking about decisions and actions that can affect marriage.

Another valid point in discussing past relationships comes down to what your partners have experienced sexually. For example, if a woman has "done certain things" in previous relationships but she does not do these with her husband, that is a form of cheating.

I do feel honesty and openess are a strength. Agreed that some women are put off by this but not all men are sexist in their attitude to a woman's past. Female equality and feminism have come a long way and being honest about the past would surely a sign of how far equality has come.

[suji singh]

Knight, Sir, you are raising too many issues about your spouse's past. You seemingly arrived at a tipping point in your relationship. Here are a few comments that may be of some help.

I am not blaming my wife for the past, only thinking about decisions and actions that can affect marriage.

The path of inquisition that you have chosen may lead to one of you declared a loser. Marriage works best in a Win-Win situation. Avoid this path.

Another valid point in discussing past relationships comes down to what your partners have experienced sexually. For example, if a woman has "done certain things" in previous relationships but she does not do these with her husband, that is a form of cheating.

Past is past, live in the present. You needed to do this inquiry, if you must, seventeen years ago. Not now, with two children. Whatever expectations you have about your conjugal life, discuss it openly in present tense. You have to understand important facts about human sexuality, it decays differently with different people. Many women lose desire for sexuality after menopause or as they age. No, it is not form of cheating if she does not or cannot conform to your standard.

I do feel honesty and openess are a strength. Agreed that some women are put off by this but not all men are sexist in their attitude to a woman's past. Female equality and feminism have come a long way and being honest about the past would surely a sign of how far equality has come.

Define "honesty" and "openness" first, and then apply these definitions to yourself before demanding the same from your wife. If you are honest and rigorous about this, you will abandon this line of inquiry. Work on saving your marriage!

[Knight]

wow, that's some reply, thanks :)

"Many women lose desire for sexuality after menopause or as they age." We'll have to disagree on that. Are you saying that older women would turn down the chance for some fun with Salman Khan or Bradd ? :)

"No, it is not form of cheating if she does not or cannot conform to your standard." - I never said that. What I meant was that women may have performed certain acts when they were single, with their boyfriends that they do not do with their husbands. That I would say is cheating.

"Marriage works best in a Win-Win situation" - agreed and I believe that can only be obtained by honesty and openess.

"Define "honesty" and "openness"" - Not lieing to your spouse, working together so that we can build a transparent relationship. Lieing leads to doubting your partner and causes suspicion.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your comments.

[Guru Dutt]

Dear "Knight", You should leave her past and the topic of her past affairs. I don't understanding why after 17 years, you're trying to poison your relationship. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking about her previous relationships, why are you forcing her. If you feel comfortable in talking about your relationships with her, it doesn't mean that she should feel the same.You should clean your head from any doubts and start your life free of these suspicions. If you keep on digging these past matters, I don't think your relationship is going to work smoothly . So try to be happy and don't doubt her love for you.

[Guest]

In my humble opinion, it totally depends upon the bond of chemistry between you. I mean, you wife and husband for so many years - there's simply no need to bring obstacles in your happy life against such odds which have no value at all. But yes, if you intent to share and laugh on those stupid experiences - you can very well share.