My Sikh Punjabi boyfriend pressured me for sex

[sabrinamaria]

I am an American woman who became a Sikh a couple of months ago and I met a Punjabi Sikh man, who says he is Sikh first and Punjabi second, and he told me he wanted to be with me for life. Always asking how I am while he is gone to work, and asking what I am doing, kind of nice to have someone worry for a change. He said he loved me and was always asking if I loved him, to the point it was annoying, but I would say it. We planned to be together and save our money, then he said we would discuss a wedding. Two weeks ago he came to my house to bring me food from his job and money for groceries since it was the end of the month and I was broke. I told him it was late and he did not have to come over. He said he would take a taxi over, so I mentioned how expensive that was.

When he showed up he called me, like he said he would, so I go out and greet him. There was not a taxi in sight so I had a strange feeling he planned on staying the night. This made me nervous but I went along with it to see what was going to happen. He said do not ask anyone for anything, I am only to ask him for anything I need. He told me I cannot find a job and I need to stay home, except only to buy groceries, and I was not to speak or sit next to any men. He told me when we go places, he is to walk behind me so he can "watch" for my "safety". It was getting very late and he would not sleep. He stayed up talking to me, and I was not going to sleep with some man in my house. We were not married yet. After a while he kept asking me for sex and I would say no each time. He would look angry when I told him NO. I was not sure what he would do. He kept acting strange going between angry and happy. He said he is not pressuring me and I can refuse if I want. When I refused his sex, he gets angry.

I am ashamed to say I felt so much pressure and was slightly afraid of his possible anger, that I gave in to his advances. He stopped talking to me as much and now when I go to Gurudwara, some of the men look at me strange and I get very uncomfortable. They look at me as if they can have me too. I do not like this. I have told a couple of people but afraid to start any trouble there. I have not seen this guy since Friday November 28, the next day, and I have told him to stay away from me, and I told him I have told what he did. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and have a difficult time feeling comfortable in Gurudwara, that now I may never go back there. I do not know what all I can do, and since I cannot speak Punjabi, I cannot tell the Priest about it. He does not understand much English. I am afraid if I do tell, they will say I was willing and think badly of me. I know how important it is to refrain from premarital sex, but I felt very loved by this guy, until I gave in to his sexual pressures.

I feel I already have a difficult time finding a life partner because I come from American culture and already have a 17 year old son from a man I never married due to safety reasons. I know many Sikhni are understanding of this American change over, but some still see us as defiled if we are not virgins. I have always been a modest person and value my body deeply and much respect for myself, but now with this, I feel the sadh sangat look at me as a throw away girl who has no virtue. I am too ashamed to face the sangat now. I can ask Waheguru for forgiveness, but how to ask the sangat for understanding of my situation? How can I go back if they think I am an easy girl without virtue? I am so sad right now.

[suji singh]

Sabrina, I wish you the best in this tough situation. This man, your boyfriend, was disingenuous and fake. First, he coaxed you to sex and then he appeared to have bragged about his conquest. This put you in difficult situation within the community. It will be difficult to find a genuine male friend in this community.

At any rate, life must go on. Chalk this one on experience. Move on, do not dwell on it. Discussing this matter with other members of the community will make the matters worse. You need a fresh start away from this situation. Good luck.

[Romesh Kumar]

I am an American woman who became a Sikh a couple of months ago and I met a Punjabi Sikh man, who says he is Sikh first and Punjabi second, and he told me he wanted to be with me for life. Always asking how I am while he is gone to work, and asking what I am doing, kind of nice to have someone worry for a change. He said he loved me and was always asking if I loved him, to the point it was annoying, but I would say it. We planned to be together and save our money, then he said we would discuss a wedding. Two weeks ago he came to my house to bring me food from his job and money for groceries since it was the end of the month and I was broke. I told him it was late and he did not have to come over. He said he would take a taxi over, so I mentioned how expensive that was.

When he showed up he called me, like he said he would, so I go out and greet him. There was not a taxi in sight so I had a strange feeling he planned on staying the night. This made me nervous but I went along with it to see what was going to happen. He said do not ask anyone for anything, I am only to ask him for anything I need. He told me I cannot find a job and I need to stay home, except only to buy groceries, and I was not to speak or sit next to any men. He told me when we go places, he is to walk behind me so he can "watch" for my "safety". It was getting very late and he would not sleep. He stayed up talking to me, and I was not going to sleep with some man in my house. We were not married yet. After a while he kept asking me for sex and I would say no each time. He would look angry when I told him NO. I was not sure what he would do. He kept acting strange going between angry and happy. He said he is not pressuring me and I can refuse if I want. When I refused his sex, he gets angry.

I am ashamed to say I felt so much pressure and was slightly afraid of his possible anger, that I gave in to his advances. He stopped talking to me as much and now when I go to Gurudwara, some of the men look at me strange and I get very uncomfortable. They look at me as if they can have me too. I do not like this. I have told a couple of people but afraid to start any trouble there. I have not seen this guy since Friday November 28, the next day, and I have told him to stay away from me, and I told him I have told what he did. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and have a difficult time feeling comfortable in Gurudwara, that now I may never go back there. I do not know what all I can do, and since I cannot speak Punjabi, I cannot tell the Priest about it. He does not understand much English. I am afraid if I do tell, they will say I was willing and think badly of me. I know how important it is to refrain from premarital sex, but I felt very loved by this guy, until I gave in to his sexual pressures.

I feel I already have a difficult time finding a life partner because I come from American culture and already have a 17 year old son from a man I never married due to safety reasons. I know many Sikhni are understanding of this American change over, but some still see us as defiled if we are not virgins. I have always been a modest person and value my body deeply and much respect for myself, but now with this, I feel the sadh sangat look at me as a throw away girl who has no virtue. I am too ashamed to face the sangat now. I can ask Waheguru for forgiveness, but how to ask the sangat for understanding of my situation? How can I go back if they think I am an easy girl without virtue? I am so sad right now.

Really sorry to know all what happened. I think you know that this has nothing to do with Sikh religion except that this guy exploited your religious faith or sentiments to say. I am a Punjabi Indian Hindu. Experience you have passed through is not uncommon as in general mentality and perspective of people of South Asia to Arab world (regardless of their religious faith) towards western women is same.People and priest/granthi in Gurdwara are not different from that, so will be of no help. You need to report to the police as incident amounts to rape.
Thanks with best wishes.

[IJJSingh]

Dear Sister,

I am sorry about the abuse and coercion you experienced at the hands of your boyfriend. His behavior was simply wrong at so many fronts. In spite of our best efforts, we all succumb to pressure. Guru, God and the true Sadh Sangat is ever forgiving and loving. Try not to be sad, and pray to God for chardi kala (high spirits).

We are sent to this world to condition and improve our mind. Maya is like an exercise equipment; a required ingredient for conditioning our mind. Bhai Vir Singh ji wrote about a man who always opposed him and criticized him. Bhai Sahib ji talked about always thanking God for that man's criticism, for he was helping Bhai Sahib ji to improve. Next time you come across people at Guruduara who look at you strangely, think of them as gifts from God, and thank God for making these people available to you for your improvement. I know it’s easier said than done. It is extra difficult when we are down and vulnerable. If in the short-term you are finding it difficult to go to your local Guruduara, find another Guruduara in your area until your self-confidence is restored.

When you go to Guruduara, you will meet True Sadh Sangat as well as some people that have nothing to do with Sikhism. You mentioned that you are looking for understanding from Sadh Sangat. You don't need to seek this understanding, you already have it. Sadh Sangat, by definition is True, and loves everybody unconditionally. The men at Guruduara who look at you strangely unfortunately are doing their best to insulate themselves from Guru's grace. The Guru has talked about such people in gurbani:
ਏਤੈ ਜਲਿ ਵਰਸਦੈ ਤਿਖ ਮਰਹਿ ਭਾਗ ਤਿਨਾ ਕੇ ਨਾਹਿ ॥
If in spite of so much rain some are still dying of thirst, then they are truly unfortunate (SGGS 1282).
The ones who make you uncomfortable at the Guruduara are the unfortunate ones; It's their problem not yours.

At the Baisakhi of 1699 when Guru Gobind Singh ji established Khalsa, he gave Amrit to the five beloved ones, and then explained rehat (Sikh conduct) to them. Then Guru ji took Amrit from the five beloved ones. Finally, the Guru turned to Bhai Daya Singh ji, and asked for rehat for himself. Bhai Daya Singh ji thought that it would be useless to repeat the rehat Guru gave to five beloved ones, because the Guru was already living that rehat. After a short pause, Bhai Daya Singh as a rehat for the Guru asked for or a promise that the Guru will always stand next to his every Khalsa. The Guru agreed. The Guru is keeping his rehat and is always there next to his Sikh. This fact has been confirmed by many Sikhs (‘Se Kinehea’, a Biography of Sant Harnam Singh ji in Punjabi, page 371). You can talk to the priest as you have suggested. But don't forget, Guru Gobind Singh ji is standing with you always, you can talk to him anytime, and he will listen.

Gurbani tells us that our real existence is not our body but our soul, and God resides in us. When you feel sad, tell yourself that you are not

throw away girl who has no virtue.

Instead, you are the child of Guru Gobind Singh, a temple of God, you are pure, sacred and beautiful.

Waheguru ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru ji ki Fateh

[sabrinamaria]

Yes, I know this is common with us Americans to be taken advantage of, but it still does not make me feel good about what happened. A part I did not mention is when I showered, he open the curtain and watched and told me how and what to clean. That is very degrading. I felt like a kidnapped person or something. I have never been in this situation. Imagine showering and being watched while he has casual conversation, then becomes angry and demanding. I was afraid of what he was going to do. It was very awkward, very embarrassing, and very degrading.

Some may read this and laugh "Stupid American Girl" but I worry each time I open my door, he will be standing there to hurt me. I worry he will sit outside my house and watch everything. And worst of all, I am afraid he will hurt my son just to be revengeful because I told him I have told people of what he did and how he treated me. This is not the only place. I am telling friends and one lady at Gurudwara, but it is also very shameful at the same time to admit and feel I let this happen. If I told him to leave, he may have left, or he may have acted out the anger he intermittently displayed. I fell lost and degraded.

[sabrinamaria]

Suji Singh, I am curious. How will discussing this with the community make matters worse? Keeping it to myself makes it worse. I have told many people. Are we supposed to be afraid and show fear? NO! Are these men supposed to do this? NO! Keeping quiet only empowers those who do this, so they are able to move on to the next. I am a fighter and and advocate for those who suffer from what is not right. That IS the Sikhi way, right? You telling me not to tell the community does not seem to go with who I am, and who a Sikh is to be. Telling me to not go to the community is the same as telling me to keep quiet about all this. The only ones who will be protected are the ones who do this, because they expect the woman to be quiet. Well, I will not keep quiet. This is an injustice my soul will not carry in silence. I am a Kaur. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I will always speak up for my rights and the rights of others. Nobody can silence me as long as I am still alive. I may not go back to this Gurudwara, but in time, I will go to another. In the meantime, God is everywhere, so there is no need to to travel 1 1/2 hours by bus just to go to Gurudwara. I can pray to God anywhere, anytime. Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh.

Kaur = Fearless Princess

I have been through much worse than this and I am still alive.

[suji singh]

Sabrina, excellent push back. Briefly, I was concerned about you becoming a victim of gossip (among gossip mongers). Based on the fact that you are a strong person, I fully agree with what you have done. You expressed some trepidations or fear about what this man may do to harm you, you need not fear, deal with it without fear. Good Luck.

[Superstar]

It is a 'no no' to have sex with someone who you are not married to. He did not behave like a Sikh by any means. He was indulging in fornication.

[sabrinamaria]

Well, information has been gathered, people have been informed, and my friend is meeting with many others to get this taken care of. They do not want this to happen to anyone else. This guy should not be working and living in a Gurudwara. This is not Sikhi. I told him what he was doing is against Sikhi. I am helping with what I can to get this stopped so nobody else has to endure this.

[Romesh Kumar]

Well, information has been gathered, people have been informed, and my friend is meeting with many others to get this taken care of. They do not want this to happen to anyone else. This guy should not be working and living in a Gurudwara. This is not Sikhi. I told him what he was doing is against Sikhi. I am helping with what I can to get this stopped so nobody else has to endure this.

This is the best way to expose him and his deeds to Sikh community which will keep haunting him for rest of his life.