How to handle living with a twisted mother in law?

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru

How to handle living with a twisted mother in law?

Postby Guest » Wed Oct 08, 2014 4:54 pm

Living with a punjabi mother in law that acts like she is innocent and when you confront her with facts, she finds a way to twist them around or even straight out lie (even though is amritshak). She is always watching over me like a hawk when I use the kitchen and if I accidentally forget to do something she makes a big drama and says things in an indirect yet nasty way. She has another daughter in law that moved out with her other son a few years ago and my mother in law always talks negatively about her mother in front of me and lies to me about how she supposedly puts her mother in place, when in reality she doesn't because her other daughter in law would not allow it. I wonder why she talks so negative about her mother and in fact there is not one female she gets along with in her life except for her daughter.

My husband and his brother are the ones who paid all the bills in the house I live in with their parents yet mother in law wants to walk around and act like she's the owner.... I don't understand why everyone can't live equally? I never tried to redocorate her ugly decor in the house because I did not want to have any issues with her. She lives in such a filthy way with everything unclean and clutter all around the house yet she always loves to comment about others and if they keep things clean or not.

I'm tired of my husband wasting his money on her selfish needs when we are trying to save up for our own life to move out and raise children. She and her husband never did anything for their kids... No money for anything excerpt food and cheap clothes when they were growing up... Never started a business or anything ... In fact my husband and his brother took over house payments at the age of 19 and they are now in their mid-30s and paid off 99% of payments.

She had been living free for years, free electricity, free cable for her indian channels, free everything and she gets some money from the government each month which she wastes on buying herself coach purses, shoes, etc. when she is 68! And her husband gets a lot more money each month but because she cannot maintain a good relationship with her husband she goes to MY husband for money and not hers! Can u believe that? She is so selfish she doesn't even want to help her son save for his future after he paid her and her husband's house off!
I stay upstairs and avoid her as much as possible ... And when I leave I lock my bedroom door because I have things I don't want tampered with and I've caught her snooping into my bedroom when she thought I was still taking a shower! And then she has the nerve to comment "u ppl just always keep everything locked" when she was trying to get out of my suv and her side door was locked. How does it affect her if I keep my room locked?

I hate this weird and selfish woman. She tells my private business to her daughter which tells it to the whole world. I try telling my husband about her but he is so defensive and tries to explain her bad habits away. How can I get rid of her in my life? After we move out, I don't want her to live with us! She gives me so much tension. What can I do now that will make it less likely that she will try to live with my husband and me in the future?
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Re: How to handle living with a twisted mother in law?

Postby Guest » Sat Dec 13, 2014 7:18 pm

Here's what you do. You don't handle it.
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Re: How to handle living with a twisted mother in law?

Postby Guest » Wed Mar 18, 2015 5:41 pm

I think it's sad that no one has replied properly. I am in a similar situation but I have kids, it's not just the mother in law but she has daughters who she gangs up with. It's awful she left her husband and clearly has pyschological issues, she tried very very hard to split me and my husband up, and behaved horrifically each time I was pregnant. I know other girls who have normal in laws and it makes me sad that I have this woman, but then have to remind my self of the good things i have too- parents, kids, husband, job.
I can't advice on the ins and outs of your situation- but keep your relationship with your husband strong. He is trapped too- it's harder for him to admit that- maybe ever.
Be firm with her, develop your own circle of friends and support network, keep her and any bullies she recruits at arms lenght. My mother in law has done and said some very nasty things to me during the time i have known her, especially when i was at my most vulnerable- heavily pregnant, post childbirth. She has told other members of her family including children to abuse me. She has constantly tried to tell me she has some special relationship with God etc etc to try and scare me?!
I have noticed everytime she has wished me bad, or said/ done something awful it has bounced back to her in some way whether direct or indirect. Karma? All i know is don't deliberately trouble someone or try to take what isn't yours- literally or metaphorically. Sometimes i think meanly- one day she will be very vulnerable like i once was, and i dream of teaching her a lesson. But life will teach her a lesson, and is already doing so. The more successful your are in your own family with your husband the more these type of people hate it. So be successful, make your choices without fear and try your best to be 'good'. Karma can be a bitch for all of us, maybe more so for people who deliberately ' torture' others.
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Re: How to handle living with a twisted mother in law?

Postby amanaman » Sun May 24, 2015 5:53 pm

Dear first guest to post,
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope over this much time, some things have become better or you are able to cope better. I am also in same situation. I feel for the guest who shared her story too on March 18th.
Just because we do not assert ourselves or we are not cunning to get out of pressure situations, the mother in laws take advantage of our situation and put blame on us in our vulnerable position.
I could say that I have very nice in-laws but my mother in law is of the old thinking-the only way a daughter in law can get any credit or acceptance is if she cooks and serves 24-7 and even then she does not deserve to be given any consideration. We are all very familiar with the mind set of these old women.

May Waheguru ji always be with you all my sisters and give you strength to live the life you want to live, to enjoy and be with your kids and husband. These people who trouble us are digging their own graves and I can never be friends with my mil although my doctor has recommended that I sweet talk her and appreciate her so that the home front stays peaceful.

To all those in-laws to take advantage of their sons and daugther in laws who are service, seva oriented in the beginning, you could not be lesser than a bista ka jant. You should be so so sooooo afraid of Waheguru ji, you and your phony-ness will make sure you are born again in the 84 lakh janams. Waheguru ji kirpa karan!!

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh!!!!!!!
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Re: How to handle living with a twisted mother in law?

Postby Singh2000 » Mon May 25, 2015 10:03 am

waheguru ji ka khalsa waheguru ji ki fateh

Everyone is in pain. “Nanak Dukhiya Sab Sansar”. Someone have pain of their mother in law, someone have pain of their kids, someone have pain of their spouse, someone have pain of their job or business, someone have pain of their past and someone have pain of their future. And this pain is never ending. One pain finish other pain will arise. Some time it is continue growing. Everyone have simple solution to run away from situation like from parents, brothers, sisters, family, city, country, community, religion. But this pain is still there. Not going away even after death. Oh my God.

We try to find solution from outside. Never look inside. We are full of ego. I paid this, I do this, My kids, My money, My house. With this ego, if we raise our kids. They will become pain in future. We establish our relations on base of ego. Whoever fulfill our ego is great. Then after some time that person becomes pain. We want whole world work according to our ego. That ego clash with others ego and generate pain in whole world in different ways.

We never think how Guru Nanak thinks. Every one Hindu or Muslim think he is their Guru. Guru Nanak travelled whole word to relieve world from pain. We never see Guru Nanak teaching to solve our problem. Something is wrong with us. We can live with pain whole life, we can do suicide, we can divorce, we can depress but never go away from ego, which is our ID. We never leave this ego ID. How great we are.

Actually how stupid we are. If we leave our ego ID we become divine. Then Waheguru’s ID is our ID. Waheguru’s virtues are our virtues. Then whole universe blessing are with us. We can change whole world. But for us, it is difficult to change even a single person because we didn’t recognize our self or our divine power.

Think in different way, your house is Guru Nanak’s house. All are welcome good or bad. Spread love. Don’t take credit of anything. Then there is no sorrow of losing. Always Do Japji Sahib with understanding, then Guru will reflect from your karma. It is amazing if Guru is working inside us then there is no pain at all. We will be blessed. Do all daily work by keeping in mind Guru’s teaching then there is no pain. Raise kids as per Guru’s teaching then there is no pain. Always thankful to Guru for goods you get and do thanks when ever you see nice thing even several time in a day. Do thanks before eating, before driving, before working and before sleeping. Then we get all divine powers.

Few suggestions for beginner to try for first 90 days:

1. Do simran first thing in the morning and before sleeping. 5 minutes waheguru then 5 minutes mool mantar then 5 minutes waheguru.
2. Do Japji Sahib with Prof. Sahib Singh teeka or english translation and analyze your life as per Guru’s teaching every day.
3. Read SGGS one page every day with Prof. Sahib Singh teeka or english translation.
4. When you read gurbani listen it very carefully by controlling your mind.
5. This small effort will change your life full of happiness.
6. Balance leave it on Waheguru’s will.

Thanks
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Re: How to handle living with a twisted mother in law?

Postby Singh2000 » Tue May 26, 2015 1:00 am

Dear Moderator, Can you please remove my previous post on same discussion. I want to edit that but couldn't find how to do edit. thanks!

Waheguru ji ka khalsa Waheguru ji ki fateh

Everyone is in pain. “Nanak Dukhiya Sab Sansar”. Someone have pain of their mother in law, someone have pain of daughter in law, someone have pain of their kids, someone have pain of their spouse, someone have pain of their job or business, someone have pain of their health, someone have pain of their neighbors, someone have pain of other religion, someone have pain of their past and someone have pain of their future. And this pain is never ending. It is growing day by day. One pain finishes other pain will arise. Sometimes it is continuing growing. Everyone have simple solution to run away from situation like from parents, brothers, sisters, spouse, family, city, country, community, religion etc. But this pain is still there. Not going away even after death. Oh my God.

We try to find solution from outside. Never look inside. We are full of ego. I paid this, I do this, My kids, My money, My house. With this ego, if we raise our kids, they will become pain in the future. We establish our relations on basis of ego. Whoever fulfills our ego is great. Then after some time that person becomes pain. We want whole world work according to our ego. That ego clash with others ego and generate pain in whole world in different ways.

We never tried to understand how Guru Nanak thinks. What Guru Nanak has, every person Hindu or Muslim thinks Guru Ji belongs to them. Something is special in Guru Nanak what is that? We never think. Guru Nanak has love for all without any discrimination like a flower. Guru Nanak traveled whole word to relieve world from pain without any thinking who belongs to him or who is not. Whole world was Guru Nanak’s family. Although we are blessed by such a great Guru, still we are orphan and never see Guru Nanak’s teaching to solve our problems. Something is wrong with us. We can live with pain whole life, we can do suicide, we can divorce, we can live with depression, we can cry and we can live with illness but never go away from our ego, which is our ID. We never leave this ego ID. How great we are.

Actually how stupid we are. If we leave our ego ID we become divine. Then Waheguru’s ID is our ID, Waheguru’s virtues are our virtues and Waheguru’s will is our will. Deal with others like if Guru Nanak is there instead of us. Then whole universe blessings are with us. We can change whole world. But for us, it is difficult to change even a single person because we didn’t recognize our self or our divine power. We do daily prayer like rituals without any understanding then how we can get rid off from our pains. Guru wants to communicate with us, but we don’t want to listen. If we listen we don’t adopt Guru’s teaching because that does not fit in our life style. How poor we are. Guru made us king and princess but still we are beggar and still we are in pain.

We are by product of our situations and behave according to our past experience. And never come out of our vicious circle of pain. Better to clean our past with Guru’s teachings and fill our self with love for all.

Think in different way, your house is Guru Nanak’s house. All are welcome good or bad. Spread love. Don’t take credit of anything. Then there is no pain of losing. Always Do Japji Sahib with understanding, then Guru will reflect from your karma. It is amazing if Guru is working inside us then there is no pain at all. We will be blessed. Do all daily work by keeping in mind Guru’s teaching then there is no pain. Raise kids as per Guru’s teaching then there is no pain. Always thankful to Guru for things we get instead of ego and do thanks whenever we see nice things even several times in a day. Do thanks before eating, before driving, before working and before sleeping. Then we will get all divine powers.

Few suggestions for beginner to try for first 90 days to convince your mind for Guru’s path. Without convincing our mind we cannot adopt guru’s teaching. Once we convinced then there will be no difference between us and God. We will be absorbed in one and one will take care for us.

1. Do simran first thing in the morning and before sleeping. 5 minutes waheguru then 5 minutes mool mantar then 5 minutes waheguru. It will clean our unconscious mind thoughts.
2. Do Japji Sahib with Prof. Sahib Singh teeka if possible (available on app store) or English translation and analyze your life as per Guru’s teaching every day.
3. Read SGGS one page every day with Prof. Sahib Singh teeka or english translation and analyze your life as per Guru’s teaching every day. Establish direct and committed relation with Guru.
4. When we read gurbani or do simran, listen it very carefully by controlling our mind. It is not difficult. If we can understand then we can focus in gurbani with interest otherwise not.
6. Try to involve all family members in disciplined time. (It will take some efforts but works after some time). Even if we start alone, it will start influence all other family members and friends after some time. Depends upon how absorbed we are with Guru’s teaching.
5. This small effort will change our life with full of happiness.
6. Balance leave it on Waheguru’s will. Waheguru’s will is always for our betterment.

“Sarab Rog Ka Aukhad Naam”
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