Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Family, love, marriage, children and the relationship of ourselves to our own soul and to the Guru

Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby amanaman » Tue Dec 27, 2016 2:25 pm

I have no words to put this in fancy or nice terms. The fact remains that I am fed up with living in the shadow of my mother-in-law. She is the all wise and that makes me the idiot of the house.
I have had it with her mere presence. What she cooks is eaten and what I cook is put on the sidelines.......
How much can you expect a woman to take. The daughter-in-law has to be honoured too, her wishes should be considered, respected, her views openly spoken about or heeded.....but no my in-laws especially mother dearest only wants her will to prevail, honestly she is SO SELFISH, you can't believe it.
In their house, the woman who makes/cooks the food, the whole family is indebted to her. So in other words, the cook has all the household's heart in her hands. It is the power of the food-----it is so DISGUSTING, they are so cheap....they watch the TV programs and live their life on the basis of TV program moral lessons.
I have just had my fill of them. It is so suffocating living with them. My father-in-law is good and that is why I guess, things have been going....

She does all her path then disregards all what she is supposed to stand for and becomes all selfish....... She is ever there for her own daughter which is good for her.......You know what I don't want to even talk about her anymore.

I wish all daughter-in-laws sense to not "disrespect" their in-laws even in the times when they deserve the disrespect. Daughter-in-laws are the future of the family and should be befriended not alienated as is the general trend. The mother-in-laws think the only way to be in control is to make her look incompetent and the one place where this is done so well, is that cooking and centre of household "kitchen" phenomenon.

Good luck to you young ladies, all the best and hang in there. For moms, let go for crying out loud, can you just let go?

thank you,

no guts to say anything to face,
amanaman
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Re: Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby tejindersingh15 » Fri May 26, 2017 8:26 am

Why are you living with your in-laws house. You can live in separate house with your wife. If your mother in law is not good with you and your wife is also supporting her that means your wife is also agreed to misbehave with you. I am not telling you to disrespect anyone but you should have to go away who treat you badly just for your self respect.
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Re: Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby csinghj » Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:04 am

I think "she" is referring to living in her mother in laws house. None the less doesnt make it right. In sikhi both genders should be considered equal. Obviously she i not a good sikh and its her short comings coming through. End of the day you and your husband have to be on the same page. This seems more of a cultural issue. My advice is deal with it delictely as possibly. Seems to be more of a power struggle on her part.
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Re: Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby CBS » Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:14 pm

I feel your pain. My mother in law AND sister in law control my husband. We live in the USA and they live in India. They tell my husband not to have sex with me and he says he has to listen to them. They tell him to stop financially supporting me, so he quits his job and left me. They constantly try to set him up with Punjabi women who can have his baby. He's left me now and I have no idea where he is at. I'm sick of their interference and I'm so sick of my husband who has no backbone. They are selfish and controlling and only care about themselves and want my husband to work and send all of his money to them. I have never met humans like this. I married my Sikh husband because I thought he was a religious man and I'm so offended at the way I've been treated. After helping him gain citizenship so he could go back to India to see his family, and helping him get a good paying job, I am just tossed aside after being used. I am Gori and my husband became a US citizen after marrying me. So I guess that explains why I'm being used like this. My husband has contacted every day me but refuses to give me his location so that I can at least serve him with divorce papers. He keeps telling me that he will make it right so that his mother will accept me. But as far as I'm concerned, he needs to cut the unbilical cord from his controlling mother. I'm not saying to disrespect her, but he needs to grow up, be a man and make his own decisions.
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Re: Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby amanaman » Wed Jan 03, 2018 1:46 am

Dear CBS,
Thank you for your brave and honest, truthful post. I am a woman living with my inlaws, who came to Canada about 5 years ago.
I also am feeling used and my children feel it more as more relatives are coming to live with us but trying to be more "popular" with my husband and pushing our nuclear family--me and my children away from my husband.
What I have learnt is that life is a compromise. Right at the moment when I wrote that post over a year ago, I was so depressed and lost of hope, that that was my desparate attempt to get some kind of advice as to what I should do or how I could cope.
What I learnt is that even if you become so humble and be of service to your relatives, all they will do is use you. I am not a manipulator and I have never known how to live inside your husband's mind and control it. He does whatever pleases him, lately he is doing things I don't approve of. But I can't stop him, I have never been able to stop him. He and his mother are the major decision makers. He talks to his dad too but primarily the mother has all the plumbing and all, hip, line and sinker all in her fist.
I always wonder where these people think they will end up with all their clevernesses, she prays in morning and all day she plunders .......

May Almighty God give you strength to live and make decisions that will make your life better. I wish you well and may Waheguru's blessings always be with you.
Thank you.
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Re: Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby Guest » Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:59 pm

Marital relationships combined with family relationships are difficult and sometimes challenging. You must continue to stay positive, do your dharma (duty and responsibility), recite your prayers on your own time, and you will notice the change. You cannot expect or demand. Action is key here. Believe in your prayers. Believe in Waheguru. Make your continual sacrifice and compromise to yourself, to your husband and children, and in-laws. You must also understand YOU are an important person as well so take time for yourself, and don't feel guilty about it. It is well needed. You can ask for permission. Hey mom, could I spend 30min going for a bike ride? (or doing whatever it is you enjoy doing, your interests, hobbies). This will help you to recharge your batteries and be a more efficient caregiver towards your whole family. You won't feel like your constantly giving. You will feel that there is a balance between giving and receiving. Then the amount of effort your putting in/the amount of work your doing will be recognized/appreciated. You won't feel worn out. You will feel good.
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Re: Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby amanaman » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:25 am

Dear Agahunia,

Thank you for your reply. I have always been afraid of my mother in law-mil. We never got to a comfortable conversation except ocassionally. Everyone can sense the tension even visitors in our house, although no one says anything and everyone covers it up.

I am not as clever and witty as these guys. i have never felt like part of their family.

I am thankful to Waheguru ji, it is now possible for me to go see a counsellor. I had to struggle too much to get a good job so that this employer covers counselling and now I can access this resource.

I have little support from my husband as he is now totally his momma's boy. They live inside each other's brains. I don't want to say horrible things and be the bearer of bad news etc, but this is what's going on in our house. Only mil is the "high and wise" mighty while everyone just has to follow orders.

My husband is getting very frustrated with me and yet it is his flirtations and demeanor that are to fault. I am simple minded and he is fighting with me. I was too scared to post as he might see this post at some point. But he has lost my respect, love and regard, then what is the point of anything anymore.

I was looking for a full proof way to save my marriage, but there is nothing here. I thought I would get some answers but I have to google them and use my own brain again.

I hope this forum will be useful to others.
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Re: Fed up with controlling mother-in-law

Postby amanaman » Fri Mar 23, 2018 5:06 pm

Guru Fateh Guest!
I am just writing in to thank Guest for his message of perserverence and patience. I have to admit that periodically come back and check in to see if someone has added or commented anything else to my post.
I am sure there are so many women in the same predicament as me. The thing is that everyone behaves differently and also everyone has their own karma to contend with.
As in movies, or stories of successful people, how the things worked out for them, how their destiny played out and whatever happened in their lives, I know that in my inlaws I am not given much importance, at least not to my face. They might say it behind my back of course. There has to be an open dialogue, a communication. My mother-in-law spends the whole day as if she has a lemon in her mouth--no talking with me. She will leave "my food" or food I had made on the table-- as if to say she has not touched it.....Sometimes I feel that she is treating me like the untouchables.

My husband will joke on another note "Untouchability is a crime against humanity".......Well I live with these people and they do exactly the same thing. Some guests will come and they will share with the guests every little thing, they are the most godly figures then, the most sensible and wise........

Only Waheguru ji is the one who has preserved my honour in this house. I have gone to seek help but her domination and self importance stinks from a mile away. Her son is not much different.

I hate to have this negative outlook but this is what she leaves me with. According to me, if she is the very wise mother-figure, she would reach out and connect with me--but alas, she doesn't need to do that because she has her domination to maintain doesn't she?

I should stop because this going around in circles will never stop.
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