Equality in relationships

[desi_kuri09]

So this is just a general question/observation I have made about the Indian culture and gender equality in relationships. I know that in my parents generation, the man has the final say in everything, he can say whatever things he wants, etc and the woman has no other choice but to forgive him or let it go (this is what i have observed on a majority, not all older generation couples are like this)---- essentially the man has the larger hand and final decisions and what he says goes!

My question here is that in todays generation women are becoming more independent, getting better jobs, more education, etc and now are voicing their own opinion. How does one tolerate a man who wants to have "the upper hand" in a relationship in a ever growing generation of women wanting to be equal to men? I find it so hard to understand how to show equality even when you are doing all the right things (respecting others, going to school, having a job). At points I feel that men who show this "upper hand" are disrespectful for women and it seems to torment me on the inside. Any comments towards this topic anyone??

[swarn bains]

women should be equal in every field

[Nihal Singh Kanakpuria]

Desi Kuri 09,

For a start its not equality in sexes etc etc, you need to think outside that box. Human relationships, esp male\female are never black and white and straight fwd, both the sexes have their own methods and ways to establish dominance.

The "upper hand" Is about domination, there are plenty of women and when i say plenty its not exaggeration but an understatement, there are plenty of women who dominate or have a upper hand in relationships and decisions.

The method in which male assert their domination maybe different from how women assert their domination, for men generally its more direct where as for women its not that direct, there is more "tact" and diplomacy at play.

You probably need to look at the male\female relationship dynamics a little more closely and very openly in case things like this are tormenting you.

-Nihal

[deepharn]

Let us ask the Guru


Salok Third Guru.
kaaman ta-o seegaar kar jaa pahilaa kant manaa-ay.
O bride, decorate yourself, after you surrender and accept your Husband Lord.
mat sayjai kant na aavee ayvai birthaa jaa-ay.
Otherwise, your Husband Lord will not come to your bed, and your ornaments will be useless.
kaaman pir man maani-aa ta-o bani-aa seegaar.
O bride, your decorations will adorn you, only when your Husband Lord's Mind is pleased.
kee-aa ta-o parvaan hai jaa saho Dharay pi-aar.
Your ornaments will be acceptable and approved, only when your Husband Lord loves you.
bha-o seegaar tabol ras bhojan bhaa-o karay-i.
So make the Fear of God your ornaments, joy your betel nuts to chew, and love your food.
tan man sa-upay kant ka-o ta-o naanak bhog karay-i. ||1||
Surrender your body and mind to your Husband Lord, and then, O Nanak, He will enjoy you. ||1||
Third Mehl:
kaajal fool tambol ras lay Dhan kee-aa seegaar.
The wife takes flowers, and fragrance of betel, and decorates herself.
sayjai kant na aa-i-o ayvai bha-i-aa vikaar. ||2||
But her Husband Lord does not come to her bed, and so these efforts are useless. ||2||
Third Mehl:
Dhan pir ayhi na aakhee-an bahan ikthay ho-ay.
They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together.
ayk jot du-ay moortee Dhan pir kahee-ai so-ay. ||3||
They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies. ||3||
Pauree:
bhai bin bhagat na hova-ee naam na lagai pi-aar.
Without the Fear of God, there is no devotional worship, and no love for the Naam, the Name of the Lord.
satgur mili-ai bha-o oopjai bhai bhaa-ay rang savaar.
Meeting with the True Guru, the Fear of God wells up, and one is embellished with the Fear and the Love of God.
tan man rataa rang si-o ha-umai tarisnaa maar.
When the body and mind are imbued with the Lord's Love, egotism and desire are conquered and subdued.
man tan nirmal at sohnaa bhayti-aa krisan muraar.
The mind and body become immaculately pure and very beautiful, when one meets the Lord, the Destroyer of ego.
bha-o bhaa-o sabh tis daa so sach vartai sansaar. ||9||
Fear and love all belong to Him; He is the True Lord, permeating and pervading the Universe. ||9|| (Ang 788, SGGS)

[Jaybee]

Good question. Here is my opinion as a man of Indian ancestry. Ultimately, the fact is that men and women are NOT equal, from a biological point of view, and this percolates into every other aspect of existence.

Therefore, attempts to enforce an artificial equality are misguided, unnatural, and cause more misery than they relieve . Typically the man is the more skilled of a male/female pair, he is the primary breadwinner in the large majority of couples (at least in the western world), and so should enjoy greater authority.

I think the woman should appreciate the man's caring, loving dominance with grace, love and gratitude. This is the way forward for harmony - and I speak from sweet experience. :)

One God.

[Romesh Kumar]

Yes, equality is beyond arguments and debates followed by the fact that there has been a male dominance.
But there is something behind this equality which supporters and seekers either fail to understand/sense or pretend to be not sensing or do not want to do so. They sound to be making hay while the sun shines.

Equality in any way ''does not mean swapping of positions''.Equality has to be equality. In my experience in life it is swapping of positions, seekers seem to be looking for.That is why seekers, supporters and accused have been living with this problem.

[Mayank_sikhnet]

Kuri ji,

You mention that today's women are empowered and want to be equal to men. Ideally speaking, the two genders should be treated equally irrespective of who brings the dough and who cooks it.

But a family's members treat each other based on their spiritual leaning, social upbringing and similar stimuli. Gender roles are defined (or undefined) based on the society that we currently live in as well as our (personal/family's/nation's) past.

Many practices such as the purdah system were necessities of the previous times and as times change for the better we are rejecting them, slowly but surely. Let us hope that as time progresses we look at each other not merely as equals but as fellow-travelers in the journey of life.

Some families are run by the males while in others the females' writ prevails. Some are examples of equality while the less fortunate ones have either section fighting for superiority.

Nihal ji mentions rightly that the average male's domination style is overt while that of the average female is covert. I think neither of these is right, for as Romesh ji mentions, equality does not mean swapping of positions.

Instead of using superiority for dominance one should use it to bring the other up to speed. Once we start looking at the other person (in the home or outside), the other gender, the other race as a creation of God - a creation that at times will aid us and at other times require our services - there will be no question of disrespect and equality will be established automatically.

As far as having the final say in the family goes, there are doubtless many criteria other than gender that take priority - such as the age / seniority.

[gurmail]

Consider team work. You do what you can do better than the other, male or female, adult or child. You help when you are not as good. Ie take aback seat. Let someone else be the boss. The family flourishes. There is the dictatorial method or consensual. The one I have suggested is the consensual one. By the way this applies to management of professional teams as well. It works. The dictatorial method makes you look big and strong but only ends up in rebellions you cannot handle. Then you look and feel stupid.

Unfortunately you may have to be dictatorial sometimes then be sure that you will win otherwise dont even start. Don't even show you have thought about it. This applies specially when dealing with teenagers.

[singh13s]

“It is a woman who keeps the race going; we should not consider women cursed and condemned, from women are born leaders and rulers.”

- Guru Nanak, Founder of Sikhism