Sexual Sins

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Sexual Sins

Postby bediban000 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 5:32 pm

I am a sixteen year old Sikh (not amritdhari) and fell in love with a twenty year old guy who happened to be amritdhari. We indulged in sexual activities, thinking we were going to marry each other. A month ago he had broke up with me, and told me he was going to wait till I am 18 till we date. A few days after the break up, he went to a camp and developed strong feelings for another girl. I tore my hear in half. Although the sexual things were consensual, my parents want to file a case and get him arrested, because I was a minor and he wasn't. Part of me wants to do it because he tore my heart in half and forgot about me in a weekend. But hes not a bad person. Atleast thats what im telling myself. We havent filed the case yet. And I still really love him. But I hate what he did to me. I might be joining the same Khalsa Gurmat School he attends this year. Should I tell the teachers to make sure this guy stays away from me and all other girls, without specifically saying he touched me, but heavily alluding it, or is that just my jealousy. I dont wanna get more paap. Please help
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby loveforsikhi » Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:37 am

bediban000 wrote:I am a sixteen year old Sikh (not amritdhari) and fell in love with a twenty year old guy who happened to be amritdhari. We indulged in sexual activities, thinking we were going to marry each other. A month ago he had broke up with me, and told me he was going to wait till I am 18 till we date. A few days after the break up, he went to a camp and developed strong feelings for another girl. I tore my hear in half. Although the sexual things were consensual, my parents want to file a case and get him arrested, because I was a minor and he wasn't. Part of me wants to do it because he tore my heart in half and forgot about me in a weekend. But hes not a bad person. Atleast thats what im telling myself. We havent filed the case yet. And I still really love him. But I hate what he did to me. I might be joining the same Khalsa Gurmat School he attends this year. Should I tell the teachers to make sure this guy stays away from me and all other girls, without specifically saying he touched me, but heavily alluding it, or is that just my jealousy. I dont wanna get more paap. Please help


I’m really sorry to hear about your situation Bhenji. It must be heartbreaking to see him with someone else now. It must have taken a lot for you to be honest with your parents and I think that’s really good that you were able to share it with someone and not have it all on your own chest, because it helps the pain.

For your case: I don’t know where you are from, I’m from Canada. I’m not sure what your laws are. Our laws say a 16 year old can consent to sex unless your partner is in a position of authority, you are dependent on them or the relationship was exploitative. The thing about consent, is that it has to be voluntary and you had to be free to be able to say no. Like if he pressured, threatened, intimidated, black mailed or guilt-tripped, you actually did NOT consent, even if you said yes. (Check this out http://www.consented.ca/consent/coercion/). I don’t know your situation, but you can always talk with the police to clarify if there can be a case. It’s their job to help you. I think it’s a good idea to take some time to think about it. In Canada, I think we don’t have a statute of limitations for these cases anymore. That means you can file a case later, but the problem becomes the details become fuzzy and it becomes harder for them to get the evidence they need. In some countries, they do have time limits. You should definitely double check everything about how much time you have, and what your case would involve, etc. It’s a good idea to understand the process before you get into it. The police or a lawyer can help you with that. The police usually also offers counselling services. The thing I will say is that sometimes it involves a lot more than we think (written statements, video statements, going to court to testify), and it can be a long process- it’s a good idea to not be pressured and just think about it a little bit without making a decision in the heat of the moment. It’s a complicated decision and only you can really decide, but you can talk with your family and get some help from the police or lawyers about it. Especially since you still love him, it might make it a hard process for you. So my advice is to get informed and then make your decision based off of that.

Why is he still in school if he’s 20? If he doesn’t stay away from you then obviously you should tell him directly and make that clear. If he still bothers you, then it’s harassment and you should discuss it with the school for sure. Is it possible for you to go to another school? Unfortunately you can’t control what he does with other people.

Now as for the emotional pain and turmoil you are probably going through. Please try to take care of yourself- body, mind, soul. That might mean writing in a journal, talking to friends or family, talking to a counsellor for your mind. For your body, exercise. For your soul, read Gurbani. Simran can be very relaxing. Right now you are probably feeling a lot of things. You didn’t deserve to be treated like he treated you. Remind yourself you are beautiful, strong, a survivor, a Kaur, resilient. Remind yourself you are daughter of Guru Gobind Singh Ji, that God watches over you. Remind yourself that even though you feel heartbroken right now, that things will come together again and you are going to be okay. Remember that God is just, and that whatever he has done, he will have to live out the effects of that. The pain will get less over time, but it might take a while.
You asked about shabads on the other part of the forum, because you were feeling bad about the sexual activities and wanted to know a path for healing. Sarab Rog Ka Aukhad Naam mission is about healing through Gurbani, and they have these shabads which are really helpful for everything, because all Gurbani is healing. http://www.curesbygurbani.com/shabad-pdf/ Go down to the bottom where it says seven hymns and starts with mool mantar. Try to read English translations and understand Gurbani. Do Ardas to speak to God and get Hukamnamas to hear what the Guru Ji is telling you. One of the shabads says this “Immense pain, murders and sins numerous, poverty and misery since birth, Troubles and disputes of major girth, Nanak, all that is destroyed by Divine Name contemplation, Burns like a pile of wood by fire’s action.” So keep praying and do simran. You'll get through this.
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby Romesh Kumar » Thu Aug 17, 2017 9:42 am

You must expose him to one and all.
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby bediban000 » Sat Aug 19, 2017 7:04 pm

loveforsikhi wrote:
bediban000 wrote:I am a sixteen year old Sikh (not amritdhari) and fell in love with a twenty year old guy who happened to be amritdhari. We indulged in sexual activities, thinking we were going to marry each other. A month ago he had broke up with me, and told me he was going to wait till I am 18 till we date. A few days after the break up, he went to a camp and developed strong feelings for another girl. I tore my hear in half. Although the sexual things were consensual, my parents want to file a case and get him arrested, because I was a minor and he wasn't. Part of me wants to do it because he tore my heart in half and forgot about me in a weekend. But hes not a bad person. Atleast thats what im telling myself. We havent filed the case yet. And I still really love him. But I hate what he did to me. I might be joining the same Khalsa Gurmat School he attends this year. Should I tell the teachers to make sure this guy stays away from me and all other girls, without specifically saying he touched me, but heavily alluding it, or is that just my jealousy. I dont wanna get more paap. Please help


I’m really sorry to hear about your situation Bhenji. It must be heartbreaking to see him with someone else now. It must have taken a lot for you to be honest with your parents and I think that’s really good that you were able to share it with someone and not have it all on your own chest, because it helps the pain.

For your case: I don’t know where you are from, I’m from Canada. I’m not sure what your laws are. Our laws say a 16 year old can consent to sex unless your partner is in a position of authority, you are dependent on them or the relationship was exploitative. The thing about consent, is that it has to be voluntary and you had to be free to be able to say no. Like if he pressured, threatened, intimidated, black mailed or guilt-tripped, you actually did NOT consent, even if you said yes. (Check this out http://www.consented.ca/consent/coercion/). I don’t know your situation, but you can always talk with the police to clarify if there can be a case. It’s their job to help you. I think it’s a good idea to take some time to think about it. In Canada, I think we don’t have a statute of limitations for these cases anymore. That means you can file a case later, but the problem becomes the details become fuzzy and it becomes harder for them to get the evidence they need. In some countries, they do have time limits. You should definitely double check everything about how much time you have, and what your case would involve, etc. It’s a good idea to understand the process before you get into it. The police or a lawyer can help you with that. The police usually also offers counselling services. The thing I will say is that sometimes it involves a lot more than we think (written statements, video statements, going to court to testify), and it can be a long process- it’s a good idea to not be pressured and just think about it a little bit without making a decision in the heat of the moment. It’s a complicated decision and only you can really decide, but you can talk with your family and get some help from the police or lawyers about it. Especially since you still love him, it might make it a hard process for you. So my advice is to get informed and then make your decision based off of that.

Why is he still in school if he’s 20? If he doesn’t stay away from you then obviously you should tell him directly and make that clear. If he still bothers you, then it’s harassment and you should discuss it with the school for sure. Is it possible for you to go to another school? Unfortunately you can’t control what he does with other people.

Now as for the emotional pain and turmoil you are probably going through. Please try to take care of yourself- body, mind, soul. That might mean writing in a journal, talking to friends or family, talking to a counsellor for your mind. For your body, exercise. For your soul, read Gurbani. Simran can be very relaxing. Right now you are probably feeling a lot of things. You didn’t deserve to be treated like he treated you. Remind yourself you are beautiful, strong, a survivor, a Kaur, resilient. Remind yourself you are daughter of Guru Gobind Singh Ji, that God watches over you. Remind yourself that even though you feel heartbroken right now, that things will come together again and you are going to be okay. Remember that God is just, and that whatever he has done, he will have to live out the effects of that. The pain will get less over time, but it might take a while.
You asked about shabads on the other part of the forum, because you were feeling bad about the sexual activities and wanted to know a path for healing. Sarab Rog Ka Aukhad Naam mission is about healing through Gurbani, and they have these shabads which are really helpful for everything, because all Gurbani is healing. http://www.curesbygurbani.com/shabad-pdf/ Go down to the bottom where it says seven hymns and starts with mool mantar. Try to read English translations and understand Gurbani. Do Ardas to speak to God and get Hukamnamas to hear what the Guru Ji is telling you. One of the shabads says this “Immense pain, murders and sins numerous, poverty and misery since birth, Troubles and disputes of major girth, Nanak, all that is destroyed by Divine Name contemplation, Burns like a pile of wood by fire’s action.” So keep praying and do simran. You'll get through this.


I live in the US. and i did consent the sexual relations thinking bc he told me he was gonna marry me and i blindly followed him. He meant a lot to me. Now hes going after some amridhari girl and i know who she is, but she is still a stranger to me. Should I let her know what he has done to me?

Also I cant get any help. My parents actually ended up stopping my antidepressants and therapy after i told them about this guy. Ive lost pretty much everything in all honesty. my parents want nothing to do with me. SImran has helped alot. I put all my love for that guy into Guruji and I feel much better cuz god wont call me "psycho" or "a burden" or "weird" or any of that.
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby loveforsikhi » Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:26 pm

bediban000 wrote:
loveforsikhi wrote:
bediban000 wrote:I am a sixteen year old Sikh (not amritdhari) and fell in love with a twenty year old guy who happened to be amritdhari. We indulged in sexual activities, thinking we were going to marry each other. A month ago he had broke up with me, and told me he was going to wait till I am 18 till we date. A few days after the break up, he went to a camp and developed strong feelings for another girl. I tore my hear in half. Although the sexual things were consensual, my parents want to file a case and get him arrested, because I was a minor and he wasn't. Part of me wants to do it because he tore my heart in half and forgot about me in a weekend. But hes not a bad person. Atleast thats what im telling myself. We havent filed the case yet. And I still really love him. But I hate what he did to me. I might be joining the same Khalsa Gurmat School he attends this year. Should I tell the teachers to make sure this guy stays away from me and all other girls, without specifically saying he touched me, but heavily alluding it, or is that just my jealousy. I dont wanna get more paap. Please help


I’m really sorry to hear about your situation Bhenji. It must be heartbreaking to see him with someone else now. It must have taken a lot for you to be honest with your parents and I think that’s really good that you were able to share it with someone and not have it all on your own chest, because it helps the pain.

For your case: I don’t know where you are from, I’m from Canada. I’m not sure what your laws are. Our laws say a 16 year old can consent to sex unless your partner is in a position of authority, you are dependent on them or the relationship was exploitative. The thing about consent, is that it has to be voluntary and you had to be free to be able to say no. Like if he pressured, threatened, intimidated, black mailed or guilt-tripped, you actually did NOT consent, even if you said yes. (Check this out http://www.consented.ca/consent/coercion/). I don’t know your situation, but you can always talk with the police to clarify if there can be a case. It’s their job to help you. I think it’s a good idea to take some time to think about it. In Canada, I think we don’t have a statute of limitations for these cases anymore. That means you can file a case later, but the problem becomes the details become fuzzy and it becomes harder for them to get the evidence they need. In some countries, they do have time limits. You should definitely double check everything about how much time you have, and what your case would involve, etc. It’s a good idea to understand the process before you get into it. The police or a lawyer can help you with that. The police usually also offers counselling services. The thing I will say is that sometimes it involves a lot more than we think (written statements, video statements, going to court to testify), and it can be a long process- it’s a good idea to not be pressured and just think about it a little bit without making a decision in the heat of the moment. It’s a complicated decision and only you can really decide, but you can talk with your family and get some help from the police or lawyers about it. Especially since you still love him, it might make it a hard process for you. So my advice is to get informed and then make your decision based off of that.

Why is he still in school if he’s 20? If he doesn’t stay away from you then obviously you should tell him directly and make that clear. If he still bothers you, then it’s harassment and you should discuss it with the school for sure. Is it possible for you to go to another school? Unfortunately you can’t control what he does with other people.

Now as for the emotional pain and turmoil you are probably going through. Please try to take care of yourself- body, mind, soul. That might mean writing in a journal, talking to friends or family, talking to a counsellor for your mind. For your body, exercise. For your soul, read Gurbani. Simran can be very relaxing. Right now you are probably feeling a lot of things. You didn’t deserve to be treated like he treated you. Remind yourself you are beautiful, strong, a survivor, a Kaur, resilient. Remind yourself you are daughter of Guru Gobind Singh Ji, that God watches over you. Remind yourself that even though you feel heartbroken right now, that things will come together again and you are going to be okay. Remember that God is just, and that whatever he has done, he will have to live out the effects of that. The pain will get less over time, but it might take a while.
You asked about shabads on the other part of the forum, because you were feeling bad about the sexual activities and wanted to know a path for healing. Sarab Rog Ka Aukhad Naam mission is about healing through Gurbani, and they have these shabads which are really helpful for everything, because all Gurbani is healing. http://www.curesbygurbani.com/shabad-pdf/ Go down to the bottom where it says seven hymns and starts with mool mantar. Try to read English translations and understand Gurbani. Do Ardas to speak to God and get Hukamnamas to hear what the Guru Ji is telling you. One of the shabads says this “Immense pain, murders and sins numerous, poverty and misery since birth, Troubles and disputes of major girth, Nanak, all that is destroyed by Divine Name contemplation, Burns like a pile of wood by fire’s action.” So keep praying and do simran. You'll get through this.


I live in the US. and i did consent the sexual relations thinking bc he told me he was gonna marry me and i blindly followed him. He meant a lot to me. Now hes going after some amridhari girl and i know who she is, but she is still a stranger to me. Should I let her know what he has done to me?

Also I cant get any help. My parents actually ended up stopping my antidepressants and therapy after i told them about this guy. Ive lost pretty much everything in all honesty. my parents want nothing to do with me. SImran has helped alot. I put all my love for that guy into Guruji and I feel much better cuz god wont call me "psycho" or "a burden" or "weird" or any of that.


If you haven’t already, forgive yourself. Because you made that mistake in the context of being a) a young person in a relationship with an older experienced person and b) thinking that he was going to marry you. It’s your choice whether to tell the girl. There’s always the risk that she could share your situation with other people, etc. which is the downside of sharing with a stranger. But it might also help to save her from the same thing happening to her which would be a really good thing.

I’m sorry you are having trouble getting help. Since your parents aren’t helping you in terms of anti-depressants and therapy (technically you should still be able to do this without their permission, but I get that that’s more of a theoretical thing because in our culture realistically if your parents don’t want it, it doesn’t happen), then try to do as much as you can for yourself. Exercise is really good for mood. Taking care of the mind by journaling, or talking to friends. And as you have been doing, most importantly, doing simran. You are right about putting all that love into Guru Ji!! Great job. You aren’t a burden. You’re not weird for feeling depressed that someone used you. It’s a normal reaction. But it doesn’t have to last forever, which is why continuing to do simran and read Gurbani is important. When you are sad, do Ardas and get a Hukamnama. You can get a Hukamnama online from Sikhnet even. The words will soothe your mind.

Hopefully your relationship with your parents will heal over time. I’m sure they are hurting from the broken trust right now, and also from seeing you hurt. I’m sure it’s all a shock to them. Just keep focusing on yourself and what you need to heal. May God bless you with healing and peace my friend. :)
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby Superstar » Mon Sep 04, 2017 2:06 pm

He has indulged in bajjar kurehit. He is no longer Amritdhari and is not a Sikh anymore either. He is a patit.
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby bediban000 » Tue Sep 05, 2017 3:40 pm

Superstar wrote:He has indulged in bajjar kurehit. He is no longer Amritdhari and is not a Sikh anymore either. He is a patit.


Well I indulged in those actions too. And i regret it A LOT. How do I fix myself and become a Sikhni again?
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby Superstar » Tue Sep 05, 2017 7:22 pm

First step to fixing is regretting and accepting that you did wrong. You have already done that. Next step is to make yourself strong to not indulge in those activities again. To be Sikh again, there are two options:
1) Take Pahul and become Pahuldhari and read bani and implement the teachings.
2) Go to Gurduara and do karah parsad bheta and do ardas to ask for forgiveness for this and promise to not indulge again and read bani and implement the teachings.

If you choose 1, responsibilities are much higher.

Refrain from Bajjar Kurehits as bajjar kurehit is automatic excommunication from Panth.
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby Superstar » Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:46 pm

By the way, you should let that Amritdhari girl know as well because he will leave her as well. He will probably marry someone who his parents choose for him. He deserves to have his 5 kakkars stripped.
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Re: Sexual Sins

Postby Romesh Kumar » Wed Sep 06, 2017 9:28 am

bediban000 wrote:
Superstar wrote:He has indulged in bajjar kurehit. He is no longer Amritdhari and is not a Sikh anymore either. He is a patit.


Well I indulged in those actions too. And i regret it A LOT. How do I fix myself and become a Sikhni again?


Were you non-Sikhni at the time of indulging in those acts ? Are you non-Sikhni as at now ?
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