In-laws and traditions

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In-laws and traditions

Postby confused wife » Thu Aug 03, 2017 9:51 pm

I recently married into a sikh family (I am christian). Unfortunately mys husband and I could not live with the in-laws and had to move into our own home. However, the in-laws refuse to visit our new family home-claiming its tradition that we only visit them. I wanted to seek advice on this belief and if it is normally something which occurs in instances where son moves out of home.
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby VeeruS » Fri Aug 04, 2017 10:00 am

There is no such custom or tradition. They are probably upset that you are living separately. It will get better with time.
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby confused wife » Fri Aug 04, 2017 9:46 pm

Thanks for your reply. I thought this much but wished they had of said so much. Another query I had was is it typical for a Sikh family who has paid for the wedding to keep the wishing well/gifts that were received during the ceremony/reception?
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby gurmail » Mon Aug 07, 2017 7:53 am

Gifts given directly would be kept. I.e. Parents, siblings, other relations etc given clothes or items or jewellery handed over directly would be kept by the individual. That is the person giving wishes it to be so. Keeping gift intended for other person would be, well confiscation etc. However, the person receiving the gift being the new owner may gift it to another member of family. Mother may gift item of jewellery gifted to her to daughter, daughter in law or someone else.

The new bride if moving out of the family home may decide to leave items gifted to the family home if she so wishes. Could be because family home would be poorer by those item(s).

However, in your case you may decide with your husband to voluntarily leave everything behind because of your generosity. Or you two might think it is not worth the bother take them in interests of peace and tranquility and all that. How thoughtful you are about their needs. Bottom line is, it is your choice.

Personally, I wouldn't bother claiming and taking anything. However, an exception could be made if a specific item(s) would be very very pleasing to possess. This would be done with clear expression of desire & decorum.

The thing with families for newly weds and in laws is to always remember the simple basics. One day there will be children. You will be parents and in laws will be grand parents. That fact will remain forever to the end of time.
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby confused wife » Mon Aug 07, 2017 9:48 pm

Thanks for advice. I feel that I have a generous heart and would always give something to someone else in need rather than keep it for myself. However I was disappointed as my mother in law kept everything from our wedding (including cards and money) without even showing me these items-hence I couldn't personally see any well wishes from people who attended wedding. My husband said he had chosen to give them to his parents claiming it was tradition. But I was disappointed as he didn't discuss this with me prior to doing so and I felt that these gifts would of really helped us start our life together and his parents really didn't need the money-they are doctors/dentist and have lots of possessions etc and my husband and I are just starting out and had nothing for our home. Am I wrong to question him giving his parents everything without having discussed this prior?
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby gurmail » Tue Aug 08, 2017 1:27 pm

I do understand your sentiment about the cards and messages of good will, therein. Number of ways to approach.
1: you would like to see the messages of good will/wishes from your friends and new relations you have from husband's side. Answer might be that cards have been thrown away or only a few have been left.
2: if thrown away then you would like advice to know what particular person said and/or gave as present because you will ringing/writing to thank them personally. Clearly you will want to give good wishes and appropriate present to them on their special occasion.
3: you being new to the family need to understand how to deal with your new relations in the future. You need to know what has been said and given to respond appropriately. Of course you will seek advice from your in law because your husband being a man want fully understand how to advise you.

It gets too complicated after this. and personally I would only go as far as item 1 and be concerned with knowing good wishes of a very dear person.
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby confused wife » Tue Aug 08, 2017 10:57 pm

Ok thanks for your opinions.
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby VeeruS » Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:14 pm

confused wife wrote:Thanks for advice. I feel that I have a generous heart and would always give something to someone else in need rather than keep it for myself. However I was disappointed as my mother in law kept everything from our wedding (including cards and money) without even showing me these items-hence I couldn't personally see any well wishes from people who attended wedding. My husband said he had chosen to give them to his parents claiming it was tradition. But I was disappointed as he didn't discuss this with me prior to doing so and I felt that these gifts would of really helped us start our life together and his parents really didn't need the money-they are doctors/dentist and have lots of possessions etc and my husband and I are just starting out and had nothing for our home. Am I wrong to question him giving his parents everything without having discussed this prior?


Your mother-in-law taking all of the gifts and money clearly shows that she is one of those controlling mother-in-law. Although, not in every family, it does happen a lot among Punjabi families.

By now, you know that you can't rely on them for anything and moving out was the probably the best decision.
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Re: In-laws and traditions

Postby maryshaw » Sat Aug 12, 2017 12:57 am

In Response to so many opinions posted on this toplc.May I suggest my two cents worth of observation. First of all rushing to any conclusions is always fraught with error especially when suggestions are made by focusing on only one side of the story.
There could be a scenario where the so-called 'evil' in laws on the grooms side could have spent all the money for the wedding ceremony including catering for lunch for all the guests and then having paid for all the reception and party on a separate day with no contribution from any one else.No dowry elicited or given.
I think it is unreasonable to say that inlaws can not be relied on. There are situations where a Sikh or non Sikh brides simply do not wish to partake in any traditional ceremonies because they see themselves as modern or ceremonies not belonging to western culture. Here No suggestion is made that the wedded Couple have to live with inlaws. In lot of families strict religious practices or dress wear are not blindly enforced. But the overarching concepts of mutual respect and compassion which are very basic to Sikhism have to be promoted. Bonding with new daughters in law or son in law can only take place through family interactions. Now these can never always be smooth. In life we always have to take good with the bad.
How can one say so confidently that inlaws are at fault. Surely understanding and empathy has to follow.
what belongs to parents is one day passed on.
Here no excuse is made to stick to a violent or unresolvabl situation.
At the same time to break a relationship just on basis of not receiving material items should not be promoted.
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