I thank you all for our responses, i do now believe i am heading towards the spritual journey of Gurbani, I am thankful to god for giving me the chance to repent my sins, and put right all the wrong that i have done, and i am sure i have many more mistakes to learn from.
I have felt this calling or this need to fix up my ways for a while now, but i foolishly brushed these thoughts a side and continued with numbing myself and my pain by other means, a cannibus user for over 13 years a drinker for over 10years and occasional user of other drugs i always told myself that to feel intoxicated is how i like to feel, a day without a spliff would make me feel confused angry, i had so much anger and hatred, arguing with every1 all the time,beieved that no1 understood me, no1 knew the real me, but deep down i knew that i didnt know the real me,and most of the time i was angry at myself.
I'd occasionally when i felt really down i'd listen to paath and id cry and id feel as if i was wrong listening to it i wasnt worthy for all the wrong that i do. One day not even that long ago 2 weeks ago after going out and drinking so much that i couldnt see anything i could hear voices people swearing shouting and me screaming shouting back being verbally abusive and even being told that i was physically abusive to people, i apparantly collapsed and my friends couldnt wake me, i apparntly fell asllep on the road, i say apparantly because i dont remember fully what happened or even how i got home.
The following day i felt so empty and lost id been previous to this all week been on a amphetmine kind of drug that would bring me to a high, give me energy to do my daily routine, the mixture of the drink an the drugs i believe had a really bad effect on me, i was down and lost, and i hadnt felt this way in over 8 years now, i was depressed i was so angry at myself, i remebered all the wrong that has been done to me andlike wise all the wrong i have done and have still been doing. But just in that instant i decided to stop it all drinking drugs smokinging the anger i just wanted to let go of it all id had enough, and i knew god was my answer. Since that day i have been listening to Jaap Ji sahib every morning Sukhamni sahib rehras and kirtan sohila, as a addict especially to cannibus i have not once felt the need to touch anything no drinks no drugs, i for once in my life feel at peace, i know its early days yetand this will be a slow process but i am almost waiting for myself to fail and i know i shouldnt do so, i feel as though god has blessed me with this strength to change my ways. My freinds and family can not understand what has happened to me i cannot understand myself,i am queit i dont want to argue or talk about things that will corrupt my mind, i want to stay at peace with myself, i just hope nad pray this change will saty with me i dont ever want to feel lost again.
thank you all once again and im sorry if i have bored you with my story but i felt the need to share my experience with you after you guys have giving me the time to send me such useful and valuable advice.